Don't know what to do....

This is going to be pretty much the same as everyone else has said. Take your time, talk to someone you can trust, even if it is to pour your feelings out, and not keep them bottled up. But whatever you do, don't bring your child into this, at 9 she is old enough to realise that something is wrong. Reassure her that no matter what, its not her fault, and that you both love her, she needs to know this.
And for staying together for her sake, don't! Only stay in your marriage for you, if its worth fighting for then go for it but if its not then staying together will only hurt her more in the long run, an unhappy mother and father living together will cause her more pain than happy parents living apart.
Go through counselling, work out what you want to happen and then try your best that's all YOU can do but remember it takes two to make a marriage and if only one of you is trying then its not a marriage any longer.

Good Luck x x x

I understand counselling, but once another woman is involved I don't see the point.

Only the H can rid the marriage of this woman. The relationship could be perfectly innocent, which it isn't, (think clothes in closet)but he knows his wife is upset by the woman's presence in their lives, so therefore should tell her to take a hike. If he doesn't, proof he cares more for her and his way of free and easy living, than he does his wife and daughter.

As for why hasn't he left? Straight off I can think of 4 reasons and none to do with the sanctity of Marriage.

That first dawning of what is going on, the knowledge, the shock,it takes some getting over. It's the feeling too that H and OW knew long before you did. Not only hurt but humiliation also.
It does get easier though, then hate, acceptance and best of all indifference.

A lie detector test isn't something used in counselling. It's not about proving who is telling the truth its about working out what you want. Counsellors don't give answers or take sides.

You aren't prepared to tolerate being lied to. It seems your ex is lying and being evasive. So to get past that he needs to change or you need to change.

You cannot make your husband change - he has to want to.

I know accepting your marriage is over is tough - I knew mine was over before my husband left to live with someone else, but it was still very hard for me to suddenly think "me" instead of "we". It takes a lot of time. But you cannot live your life trying to keep your child and your mother-in-law and whoever happy at the expense of your own happiness.

I realise Nell NR that Lie detectors are not used in Counselling, but still wonder where and how JoannaA was going to find one and how it would be used?

Ha, ha, the main Counsellor in my region who trains others, actually sought my advice some years ago. (Friends at the School gate.)

Come back Jo and explain, as I am intrigued.
I've only ever seen them on Jeremy Kyle etc. Were you thinking of dragging him on there?
As a LD is only 94% accurate, wild horses wouldn't get me to take one.
Even though I've not as as much as fancied another man, (first lie,) I never took up on it, and positively discouraged it.

Frankly, if I were asked to take a LD test as to where I was on the day JFK was shot or when Madeleine McCann went missing, I would refuse.
Six out of a hundred are wrongly accused.

I have in the past dreamt of tracking and recording my H's every move.

Now I no longer care, and that is a good place to be.

Hope you all get to the station of indifference soon.

I am sure child would not miss H too much as H is usually drunk or tired or both during the week and doesn't do child care.

Every night I think yes divorce is the way to go and then in the morning I think wait and see.

But - remembered something I had chosen to forget 13 years ago. We had to go through 7 years of IVF etc to have child. 4 years into the process had to be tested for chlamydia (1996). That's right positive! But I chose not to believe it even though I had to take antibiotics. 2 years later still trying told another infection had to take antibiotics again. I have always been totally faithful throughout our marriage no question the infections were from him.

How can I divorce and protect child? Are there any good books or links to help me get through this with well adjusted child.

I don't need a lie detector - although child has an electronics set and you can put together your own lie detector - senses the sweat on a fingertip - that would be a laugh!

thanks to all
x

Remember you are your daughter's example of what to expect in life. You and she deserve better. I know it's easy to offer advice from the outside but look ahead 20yrs in your life and imagine where you will be ... you only get one shot at it ...

Laughed at the amateur lie detector kit.

It's amazing the horrible things I've remembered about my H since we parted (under the same roof).

There must be something in our brain that blocks it out to preserve the marriage. Get out of the relationship and it all comes flooding back.