Looking for friendly advice

Read here for Grounds and Facts on divorce.

www.wikivorce.com/divorce/Divorce-Forum/...acts-of-Divorce.html

When you're ready to discuss Finances: see the Ancillary Relief threads.

Since your wife is working, and you have no resident children, it looks as though you should go for a Clean Break; whereby no future claims can be made by either party... if she is prone to excessive spending (on a whim) and you clearing her debts; this will at least put an end to your responsibility for that.

When she finally has to take responsibility for her own downfall; and maybe have to pay for her own problems (ie: repaying after drunken spending) it is only when she sees her world affected; and you NOT there propping her up.... she might then get some help for herself.

Thanks for the advice. Now I know why this forum exists, its a useful place to find information when your brain is on overload!

For some reason I'm dreading the next contact with her, and yet (I hope) none of this has been caused by my actions so why should I be the one concerned about it all. Worse still this weekend trip was organised while at work and while she was sober. He has even sent her photos of the cottage. Needless to say they have been forwarded to a new private email address I have made up, along with all of his details that were at the bottom of his company-based emails.

As opportunities allow I'll update this post on progress as I have no doubt I'll be asking more questions. One comes to mind, if I move out do I prejudice my rights to my share of the house? Or can she refuse to sell??

Hi again Norfolkguy

Im sorry to hear that things havent been good for you, and particularly your recent "discovery".

Im not much help on the legal side of things, but as Sera says

you're right: her illness will make you ill.

- you do need to ensure that your own welfare wont suffer anymore than it is already. been there, dont that, got the t-shirt. Make your GP aware of the situation at home, they may be able to refer you to a counselling service, or point you in the direction of other agencies who are there to support families of alcoholics.

Divorcing an alcoholic is difficult, compounded by the fact that they are often inebriated, unreasonable, agressive, and just down right awkward. you will receive the blame for thier drinking - but its NOT your fault, its thier way of transfering the guilt of thier behaviour onto others, and as an excuse for thier unacceptable behaviour.

you have plently of brother (and sisters!)-in-arms here on wiki, we will do all we can to help and support you. Please feel free to send me a private msg if I can help, or you just need a good old rant ora shoulder to lean on.

take care

Ruby

rubytuesday wrote:

its NOT your fault, its thier way of transfering the guilt of thier behaviour onto others,

There's a good deal of emotional support posted and in the chat rooms. However you asked about a few legal points:

"if I move out do I prejudice my rights to my share of the house? Or can she refuse to sell?"

You don't lose your rights. If you're not on the Deed title; then you can register matrimonial home Rights with the Land Registry; which will prevent her selling without your knowledge.

In any AR proceedings: the housing 'needs' of both parties will be addressed. Having moved out; (and assume you'll be renting elsewhere?) illustrates that your immediate 'needs' have been addressed.

You'd need to post more financial information before anyone can advise who keeps the house. If it exceeds her needs (no kids; she only 'needs' a one bed place, as you do) then either party can buy the other out; agree a Sale and agree how this (and other assets) are to be divided.

Can she prevent a Sale? She can certainly make it very awkward! But you could have a Court Order ordering it to be sold...but these things take time. That could be 1-2 years off if she doesn't agree!

Two years? Cripes never expected that.

Neither of us can pay the mortgage alone that's for sure. Its a 2 bedroom bungalow, so more than she needs? maybe not? But there is no expected equity to release either (due to that going to pay off credit card debts etc) so nothing to stay for either. She can have the house but I'm damned if I'm going to pay the mortgage for her as we have no kids and she has a salary of about two thirds of mine.

If I move out then obviously I have to pay rent, but that will mean I cannot also pay the mortgage and we will default. I think a trip to see the bank (bank mortgage) is called for urgently!

norfolkguy wrote:

I cannot also pay the mortgage and we will default. I think a trip to see the bank (bank mortgage) is called for urgently!

In the present Credit Crunch - Banks are not doing an awful lot to extend the period of repayment; or advancing further loans... for now, I'd take a back seat on seeing them!

Sadly; people do de-fault; and sadly people do lose their home when their is no equity. However; were she to argue any kind of incapability to work; then you could be forced to continue to pay the mortgage for her. (Not fair I know!)

My first advice would be to post what divorcelawyer has recomended in this thread:
www.wikivorce.com/divorce/Divorce-Forum/...G-IN-THIS-FORUM.html

Once wiki users have your details, you can get a ball-park figure of what you might be able to rsolve. However, AR proceedings cannot start until she accepts the Divorce, and so maybe your financial withdrawals may just force her hand now, rather than having to wait two years...

Ok, as promised an update.

She has admitted lying about the weekend away, and admits she went to see 'a male friend', but denies adultery. However I have seen a solicitor who says the drinking, credit card spending, a previous affair many years ago, plus the new deceipt and meeting a man, all contribute to unreasonable behavoir and that I have good grounds for divorce.

I was advised to start dialogue about what happens to the house (we have no kids) but she refuses to talk at all. I have offered her the house if she will pay the outgoings, and even sent her an email offering same, but she says she deleted it before reading.

I have no choice but to begin proceedings and force the sale. This is going to be messy and will create huge anger, but I have no options as I will not pay the mortgage on a house for my wife who has been so deceitful and (in my mind) has cheated on me.

Seeing the bank tomorrow to see if I can arrange a mortgage holiday to fund both rent payments on new property for me, plus £500 up-front my solicitor wants to commence proceedings, plus to give her some cash to be able to buy food etc that would have come from my salary.

How the merry **** did I get to this? At 52 this is all I need..!

More to follow I have no doubt......