Looking for friendly advice

Marshmellow

You know I love ya - but you know that until you have lived with an alcoholic, you cant understand what that life is like.

yes addiction is an illness, but the only person who can take the first step to recovery is the addict themselves - if they wont/cant make that admission, then there is nothing anyone can do. In order for them to get the help they need, they must first admit they need help.

Living with an alcoholic can be scary, they are unpredicatble, have mood swings, may be lovely-dovey one minute then the next shoving you around and shouting in your face, pinning you against a wall, or worse.

Most treatments for addicts are self-referral ones, it is rare for an addict to be "commited" - and only then if they pose serious risk to others (I was told this by various GPs and alcohol counsellers). As to why these people drink - well, its all our fault, didnt you know? No-one can answer that question, sadly.

Yes Marraige is meant to be for life - but we here all know that it doesnt work out that way, for various reasons, it is not fair to expect someone else to live a life of utter misery and fear because of someone else's actions. it is not a life, but an existance.

Norfolk - only you will know if you have done the right thing - this is your life and you have had to live it, those on the outside can give advice and suggestions, but at the end of the day, this is your life and you have a right to make your own choices.

Ruby xx

Thank you all for the kind words. When I came on here I wasn't sure if I'd even get a reply, being the new boy, but I'm overwhelmed by so many of you doing so.

You all seem to indicate what my brain has been telling me for some time, namely that this won't get better by itself, and the next thing that will happen is that I'll finish up ill or worse.

occasionally when my wife decides to stop drinking (and I'm only talking about a couple of days, largely as a gesture to placate me, life is better and you see a false light at the end of the very long tunnel. But of course that soon goes when the drinking starts again. But you find yourself hoping for those few days of peace. Clearly I cannot do that for the rest of my life, but all the unanswered letters from the bank will, I fear, be the issue that starts proceedings. If I no longer have an interest in the house, and we have no children (thank goodness - I'd hate to have that added stress factor to worry about), then there is no reason to remain.

I think I'll arrange to see a solicitor to get legal advice over finances, but I dread the time when she receives any divorce papers as world war three will erupt!

Good morning, what are we doing up so early??? Yep all the same have problems and cannot sleep Have read through the thread and I think you have had good advice, it is not your fault. Start today and makes steps towards the future, we are all here for you.
good luck and try and have a good day. Make appointments as advised to sort out financial situation, one less thing to worry so much about.
good luck
Zara

norfolk,

I was in a completly different situation although it had similarities.

My ex was not an alcaholic, but she did behave irrationally, spending money like it was water, abusive, threatened to take her own life etc. This went on for many years, it made me very misserable, and therefore I couldnt love her anymore, at the same time she fell out of love with me.

It wasnt until I could get her to agree that we were both too misserable to stay with each other that she would accept our seperation.

Perhaps, if you can get your wife to agree that she is unhappy with you, as much as you are with her, she will be able to come to terms with the concept.

Just and idea,

Good luck, and keep posting, I have found this site very supportive, even to us men folk!

GM

After 10 years it's time you started to live your life, I applaud and respect you for staying that long and it show's the commitment and love that you had/have for your wife. But is she really going to change after 10 years? Wouldn't she of tried to stop before, if she valued your relationship ? I have no experience of living with an alcoholic but do know a couple and from the very small amount I know alcoholics are very selfish and don't care about anyone except themselves, the bottle and the landlord.

You have done your best, move on and enjoy what the future holds for you

I wish you all the best

Phoenix

Hello again all, sorry for not being on here since my post above but frankly life has been s**t.

I've just learned (yesterday) that the work trip my wife is supposed to be on this weekend isn't for work. On looking through her emails (as I know the password when she asked me to look at something once before) she has been making arrangements to spend the weekend with a guy in a cottage in wales. Don't I feel humiliated!

I texted her this morning saying that I know, that I'd be starting divorce proceedings on Monday, and not to bother ringing me. She is due back tomorrow and I have no idea what to do. Part of me wants to move out but I have nowhere to go, the other part of me wants to confront her but I know she will start drinking and it will be pointless.

The thing is - how do I start proceedings exactly and what do I need to be able to prove because she may deny it all?

Thanks folks....

rubytuesday wrote:

yes addiction is an illness, but the only person who can take the first step to recovery is the addict themselves

I agree totally with other users advice; especially Rubys': re: the addict having to want to make a change. Otherwise - you're right: her illness will make you ill.

So where do you start!? You can apply for divorce on the grounds of Unreasonable Behaviour. (You can sumarise what you've written, re: Physical abuse, debts, drinking etc) You'll need a few short paragraphs.

She can refute the reasons if she wants to... and still accept the divorce. However, you've had a lot of problems this far: I don't expect it will be easy.