Looking for friendly advice

Hi everyone,

I am a 51 year old guy who has come to the end of my ability to cope, and having been married for over 25 years I'm new to all this so advice would be welcome.

My wife is alcohol dependant, and drinks regularly. She manages to work and keeps the drinking largely under wraps, but when home will be drunk every night. The problems are that the drink reduces her willpower and she spends vast amounts on credit cards (to the extent that she is always in trouble with the bank), she has had a number of sexual experiences with other men (not full affairs as it only happens when drunk), and is very aggressive and occasionally violent when the drink takes over.

I've tried to get her off the drink, with the help of her doctor, for over 10 years but we are now in a position that we cannot pay all our debts and I have foolishly re mortgaged twice to pay off her cards which has now left us in negative equity.

I need to leave to get my own life back as she will not come off the drink, but this will be very unpleasant and aggresive as she will put her head in the sand and ignore it all. Also once before when I tried to leave she took an overdose and I'm worried that will happen again.

Due to her drinking I have no friends to ask for advice, and her family don't want to know her so no help to me.

So any advice on how to come out of this disastrous situation would be appreciated?

hi norfolk
welcome to wiki..

i havent been in your situ so unfortuntely cannot give you the advice you are looking for..

but you've come to the best place...

there are people on here who will give you the advice you need right now.....

we are all here for you even the ones that cant give advice...we seem to say this alot to each other on wiki, whatever the situation you are not alone....

so take care and wait for some responses.....

Daisy
x

Hello I just want to say this:

When anybody abuses alcohol or drugs, it is their choice. It is not anyone elses doing. No one else is to blame. Unless someone actually forces it into your mouth, you are responsible for what you swallow.

Hey big ug as this is an awful situation for you.

I am a qualified drug and alcohol counsellor and where I work we run a group(free) for carers, partners etc. Se what is available ni your area, have a look at 3rd sector as primary care services are over stretched and may not have the funds for family support. It will get you to meet others with an alcohol dependant spouse and give you strength and understanding. You need to start focusing on yourself and realise it is her decision whether to drink or not. Remember it is her choice, it sounds harsh but only she can decide about her drinking, whatever you do will not make her change.

I am sure you are aware if she is alcohol delendant it is dangerous for her to suddenly stop drinking but there are harm minimisation options as well as abstinance based services that can work well with people who are not quite ready to stop drinking. Where abouts do you live?

Do not give her your money, go see a solicitor, maybe see your gp and get some counselling for you as you have had a very long and stressful time, have a look on the internet for alcohol groups, AA have spouse meetings where you can share your experiences, if you have kids there are also groups for children of alcoholics. It is a devastating life runing condition.

Would write more but am off to London for the day but if you need any info or support let me know:-)

Look after yourself,

Claire:-)

Hi Norfolk,

Welcome to wiki, like Daisy said I'm sure there will be someone here that can give you advice.

Take care of yourself and try to be strong.

Poppie

Hi Norfolk

Welcome to Wiki - Im sorry you have need to be here, but you are in a good place.

My soon-to-be-ex husband is also an alcoholic, he refused to accept that he had any kind of a problem in the first place, never mind thinking about treatment for his addiction. Our lives, the children and mine, were dictated by pub opening hours, and his drinking - not a pleasent way to live.

Sadly, until your wife accepts that a) she has a problem and b) she needs help, there is very little you can do. There is only so much that one person can take, and after 10 years, you must be at the end of the road, understandably.I too tried to help my x2b many many times, and while I found a plethero of treatment and support for him, for me there was very little where I lived. In the end, like you, I simply couldnt live like that anymore, and gave him a choice, me or drink. He didnt choose me.

There are support groups for partners and families of alcoholics, I will post the links at the end of this posting.

You are not alone now, Norfolk, you have a whole host of new friends who will support you, and advise you the best we can. This will not have been an easy decsion for you to make, I fully understand that, and the road ahead isnt going to be smooth, but we are all here for you.

the chatroom is a good place to go for some company, you will be made very welcome there.

Take Care, and keep posting

Ruby

www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

Hi Norfolk guy. I believed in my marriage vows. One of which was "For richer for poorer and in sickness and in health". Your wife is ill. Alcoholism is a disease of the mind. But there are limits. It maybe that you have reached yours. You could try relate. That way you may find out why she is doing this. C