Hallo

I'm 52 and my husband left home 1st July.

We were married for 18 years and have actually been together for 31.

We have 2 teenage sons, aged 15 and 14.

My husband is now living with another woman and her 2 children aged 9 and 5.

I have been on a roller coaster of emotions. On the one hand I feel much better without husband's constant criticism and nagging and having to live with his rules. On the other its scary facing an uncertain financial future.

Practically, I am hoping I can stay in our house for next 4 years by which time younger son will be 18 and the mortgage will be paid. My husband is not keen on divorce at the moment either, provided he can support me and himself in our new circumstances. He is the major bread winner as I earn a pittance as parttime classroom assistant.

Emotionally, I feel v. angry that he didn't leave home earlier. I raised the question of separation in March but he wanted to stay at home till our elder lad had finished his GCSEs. April he told me he had another woman. When I asked why he hadn't told me earlier he said he thought I might throw his clothes in the street. I was staggered that he doesn't seem to know me at all. My first thought would be to protect our kids and I don't want to set them that example as a way that adults sort out their problems.

Hello Ann,
Welcome to Wikivorce. The launchpad for many a new and exciting life.

Sorry to hear that things have not been too good for you. But it does seem that you are beginning our road to recovery, experiencing the famous emotional rollercoaster.

I can kind of see where your husband is coming from about your sons GCSE's (How did he do by the way - Mine got 5 Bs, 4 Cs and a D - really pleased with him), not wanting to cause huge uproar in the house. If it was so important to him though, why did he pursue his affair at the same time? Surely if he was going anyway, there was no need to rub your nose in it as well before June was there?

He felt guilty as hell, as he obviously worried that you would throw his things out when you found out. But you are made of stronger stuff and look at the bigger picture - well done you.

As to the immediate circumstances. Don't worry. You will be fine. There are many ways of making things happen, and I am sure that you will find all kinds of useful and relevant info here.

If you want to talk to others in simialr circumstances - try the chat room. Evenings and weekends it is a busy place, often daft, but full of people who know how you are feeling, and willing to listen and help if they can.

Alternatively, why not write a blog about your experiences so far. Many find it very theraputic to unload their emotional baggage into the ether here. Very easy to do and very catharctic.

Anyway, welcome and look forward to seeing you around the forum.

Take care

Mike

Thank you Mike.

My GCSE son is still in France on holiday with a friend & family, so I don't know his results yet!

Well done to your lad.

What really narked me is that husband wasn't around much while son was doing GCSEs so he might as well have moved out really.

Thanks for your support. Some days I feel fine and strong and confident and others I am a wailing wreck, but I suppose that's normal. I'm just narked that I have felt so much pain (although our marriage was over, I grieve over what might have been) whereas he seems to have just moved over to someone else's bed and board without any concerns.

Hi Ann

Welcome to wiki, sorry to read your post, you have come to the right place for help and support.

Our circustances are so similar, I work part-time as classroom assistance and yes I agree with your comments regarding the salary but I do love my job. My ex left after having affair and I am staying in marital home until son 13 finishes his education. He pays mortgage and rents a home for himself and gf. Financially things are tight for both of us but we did what was best for our son so he wasn't affected any more than he needed to be.

I am 14 months down the line now Ann on this rollercoaster, didn't expect to be facing this at 50 but on wiki you realise you are not alone. It does get easier but for now please look after yourself and your children and just take one day at a time.

Poppie

Hi Ann
Classic case is he not of wanting is cake and eating it.
Wants to change his life and move on and you do nothing.
Well perhaps that is the best thing to do at the moment.
Just stay there and make him sweat, take your time and do not let him bully you into anything you do not wish to do.
All at wiki understand how you are feeling, we have all been there at some point, indeed many are still riding the rollercoaster
Throw his clothes in the road, I would have bagged them up and given them to the local charity shop. You have a perfect right to be angry, he obviously knows how much he has controlled and hurt you by making that comment.

Just you hang in there and enjoy life without him nagging you. keep posting we here will be ready to support you when the rollercoaster ride gets scarier, which unfortunately it will at some point.

good luck
zara:)

Ann Onymous wrote:

I have been on a roller coaster of emotions.

Hi Anne,
Welcome to Wiki. We’re your fellow passengers on that Rollercoaster. Some are still parked up the top, looking at the long descent, wishing they could get off and wondering if they’ll survive it....

.......others are at the hands-in-the-air screaming bit (with the inability to stay in control of their senses and not seeing the end of the first steep decline)

I’m personally in the first big loop; (upside down, inside out, knotted stomach; head-spinning) feeling disorientated with the court proceedings and mindless, expensive, litigation system; unable to focus or make sense of where I’m at.

Two more big loops (Court Hearings) and I’ll be hitting the Home Straight. Then I’ll get off the Roller-Coaster; laugh – and get on with the rest of my life.

Don’t be afraid to confront the inevitable. Of course he doesn’t want a Divorce, why would he? He’s got the best of both worlds! Alright for some. I’d suggest you start Divorce proceedings naming his adultery. The process takes around 18months. You’re stuck in a horrible place, when he’s had his fun and realised the grass was not greener, he’ll be back. He’s obviously wanting to keep his options open; but you now need to do what is right for your life.

You’ll get lots of help and support on Wiki, so stick around. It is unlikely that you would be removed from the house until the youngest is 18, or in some circumstances; has finished full-time education.

Sera
x

Thanks for your comments. It's comforting to know there are so many women in the same boat, but on the other hand, how depressing!

I think it seems men have a biological urge to mate with lots of women, which is why they don't hang around after they've had kids. Luckily my not-quite-ex has had the snip so won't be producing any half-siblings for my children.

I was feeling OK till he came round yesterday. I just find it upsetting that he's a mix of "let's chat and be friends and let me tell you about the great time I'm having" and "you need to stop spending money". He burbled something about being able to do something about repairing various things and I said I'd heard a lot of promises and I'd like some action.

When I said I'd find it easier if I didn't have to see him at all, he seemed quite hurt!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think he's living on a different planet from the one I'm on.

Before he actually left, and before he'd told me he had someone else, he said - and I can't believe this now - that he was going to be near my Mum's for a conference and could drop in to see her. I said I didin't think she'd be glad to see him at the moment and he said he thought she'd be fine with it and wouldn't mind if when he met someone new he took her to meet Mum!!!! Put him straight on that one!