Hallo

Hi
Seeing your Mum, who does he think he is.
He is just being a complete idiot (polite for me)
LEt him get on with it, I am sure your Mum, if like mine, would give him a right hook to contend with. Silly man, that is still trying to prove to you that he is in control.
Yeah!!!!!


Be better if you did not see him at all - he was hurt -
good.
Be strong
Zara

Hi Ann,
my ex was having an affair for quite a while, on and off with the same woman. When I found out, I threw him out. When I asked him how long he was prepared to keep it like that (he had a home, could see his children but also had the excitement of having another relationship...). His reply was, you might not believe me but I was mainly concerned about our children (also taking their exams). Well he is right, I do not belive him, as a matter of fact, the situation was very oppressive and uncomfortable when he was here and I asked him to move out earlier. He refused.And now Iknow why, she split up with him and they were not sure where they were going at that time. He is too weak and uncapable to take care of himself, so that was the only reason he did not want to leave. He cannot stand on his own, he was not capable of taking a decision like that on his own. He needs somebody to hold on to. So his children and their exam results are only a feeble excuse, that nobody, especially not our children believe. And he himself prefers it to see it that way because at least he does not have to admit to himself what a selfish, cowardly and inconsiderate man he is, so he prefers as usual lying to himself. As Mike said, he did not have to start his affair in the time when he knew that his children are going to go through 4 years of exams.
petrof

Ann Onymous wrote:

I think it seems men have a biological urge to mate with lots of women,

In the animal kingdom, it is the female that has the natural biological urge to mate with the biggest, best looking most verile of the species; and have the widest selection of suitors - because it is the female that needs to be impregnated.

Females need to be more actively sexual; because they produce just one egg a month; so we need to be biologically sexually active to ensure reproduction takes place in that brief cycle.

However, since CaveMan dragged us by our hair back to his lair; and rendered us dependable well into the 20th Century; we (women) have become socially adapted to being 'theirs'; and drilled into us that 'chastity' and all things virginal and inocent were our natural state. We accepted this; just as beautiful women of Islan accept to be shrouded, hidden and their men fear their education. Just as women of the Sudan expect to have their genetalia mutulated in order to please a husband.

It used to be the fear of getting pregnant and being socially unacceptable if we were unmarried. In the past few years, women have had choices (which includes financial stability without the man) and we are seeing women (naturally)acting out their own biological urges; hence many Wiki husbands are seeing their marriages destroyed by their wives affairs.

The bottom line is that adulterers have a CHOICE. He did some cunning calculated sums: Start new life. Don't tell ex until child passes GCSE's. He's lied, he's cheated; and he knows that what he did would destroy his family. Yet he's done it anyway.

...and now he's back expecting the 'doormat' to be Welcoming him!

If you accept that he's had this affair because he has an urge; then redifine your marriage to include the knowledge that it's not a monogamous relationship.

"Bye dear. I'm just off to meet my mistress"

"Will you be home for dinner love"!?

Me thinks not!

He's walked all over you. Snipped or not, he has little regard for your sexual health. How many men has she slept with? Aids anyone!?

You could slap his wrists; say 'poor-lamb-he-can't-help-it' and put up and shut up the next time. How happy would your life be with this liar?

If you're staying together; he'd need to end that affair, attend Relate; work on the issues that made him do that in the first palce; and if he's not the marrying type and wants a batchelor lifestyle, then either accept you're in a Harem, or let him go.

He's treating you like his 'Mum'. And mums are expected to revel in their childrens enjoyment and embrace their new girlfriends...
You're not his mum, you're his wife. and you've every right not to be listening to his new found happiness.

Ann Onymous wrote:

Luckily my not-quite-ex has had the snip so won't be producing any half-siblings for my children.

Ann this is what I thought about my ex when he left and set up home with gf who is 24, three months later I received phone call from BUPA regarding his appointment to have reversal, he forgot to change his contact number. Came as quite a shock and I was very hurt as he had always said he didn't want any more children.

Poppie

Hallo Ann

I have a similar story too! Mine also had affair, wanted to have his cake and eat it, offered me the "separate lives, same roof" option for the children's sake and was trying to pick his moment to leave at his convenience, probably when I'd finished helping him pay off his debt. Of course spending on a mistress doesn't count!

I have certainly found that no contact has given me the space to separate emotionally and start to think about a future of my own. It also means that most of the time I am in a state to support my children, which I am not after I've had any dealings with him. Mine has only just worked out that I don't like seeing him in my home and felt hurt by that! Makes you wonder if they're on the same planet.

Welcome to the rollercoaster - it's nice to have people to scream with

take care
finding

Thanks for all recent posts.

To clarify - he told me about the other woman before son did GCSEs but we didn't tell boys he was leaving until after they were done.

In retrospect it would probably have been easier if he'd gone anyway, but hindsight is a great thing.

Our marriage was really dead, I wish he'd left earlier. I guess he was just waiting till he'd found someone else to do his washing.

I feel so sad that he is so much more pathetic than I could have imagined. Why didn't I see this earlier???

Anyway, no way is he coming back. I can't believe he could be so insensitive. I've told him several occasions to shut up when he's been burbling on about his new life and how compatible he is with this woman. I did point out that when we first met he thought we were compatible too.

He's just being such a prat. I am seeing a counsellor at the moment (women's counsellor, not just marital, but life, the universe and everything) but she is on holiday so I'm missing opportunity to vent without damaging anyone else. Great to have this forum.

My Mum is coming to stay next week which will be lovely. Husband is away on business next week and he told me. I said I didn't need to know where he was as his mobile never works and presumably in an emergency other woman could contact him or I could manage on my own, thanks.

That shook him!

Hi Ann
Good for you girl
Why on earth do they think we want to hear about their floosy's. Like Sera says, they think you are their mummy and want you to hold a party for them. Is that Guilt or what??
My ex had the cheek, after had had shacked up with his one previously owner GF and had another baby, to tell me that it was so much better the second time around. OOOOh dear what a silly thing to say, I told him straight f**k off, of course it is better, you have money now, when we were young with children we had no money, had to burn old shoes on the fire for warmth etc etc. Amongst other things!!!!
His ear must have set on fire. Why did he think I wanted to hear it. Was I to be pleased for him, no.
So just stick your ground if he starts to talk about 'the love of his life' tell him where to go.
We often make the mistake of believing that they still care wanting to 'talk' to you. Dont be fooled, they want your approval so they feel better.
Keep on track and keep posting
zara