I seem to have divorced my 18 year old daughter as

I won't be the first person who's gone about this the wrong way, hopefully someone out there can give me some advice ? Background, after 22 years of marriage I strayed and left the marital home, 18 months later it was sold and my now ex moved in with her parents for 4 months taking my daughter with her, moving from a 5 bed house to the in laws, up until the day this happened I was seeing my daughter, holidays, days out etc etc. Then it all went terribly wrong, her choice not mine consequently I haven't seen her for 18 months, she's off to uni 200 miles away so no chance to bump into her for the next 3 years and clearly I'm too blame in all this mess. I've tried the casual approach, small gifts, holiday money etc, just a reiminder that I'm her dad, still around and love her dearly, but this has got me nowhere, so do I continue ? Do I increase my "small gifts" ? I've been speaking to her O2 answerphone for the last 18 months so as you can imagine it's getting a bit difficult to sustain. Meanwhile, our son then aged 20 now 23 has been OK with all these new arrangements, I see him twice a week, holidays etc etc, he's independant has own flat so has not seen the pain I now doubt caused.

So like I say, seems I divorced my daughter as part of this process, the question is simply what next ?

Thanks for all comments.....

Hi Bob,

You have no control over your daughter or her feelings. I cannot comment on why she refuses to see you or even talk to you, but young people see things very much in black and white terms and I suppose you are very much in her 'black' corner at the moment.

By all means continue the small gifts - they will remind her that you care about her, although they may be received with a lot of irritation and very little gratitude.

You also have no idea a) what she has been told about you by various people and/or b) whether she believes all she has heard.
Very often young people deal with a break-up in the following summary way : yep, s/he is the guilty one, that takes care of that problem, s/he really hurt my mum/dad, so I shall ignore him/her. End of story and they get on with their own life - which, if you remember being that young... - is the single most important thing on this planet, ever.

It is only later in life that they actually realise that there are more shades of grey than green in a rainforest and they learn not to judge ( well, some of them do ! )

I cannot give you a time frame, but can only advise patience and never giving up.
You will not be rewarded for it - maybe not for years.
It will cause you a lot of heartache, but you have to remain doggedly determined, not expecting anything in return.

They don't tell one these things when they are little ...

I wish you patience and fortitude

Red XX

Hi Bob
Sadly you reap what you sow and your d may well blame you for leaving and upsetting the family. Teens are naturally self centered. Yes I would try to keep up contact via cards and gifts eventually she may respond to you. At the end of the day it was you who caused this situation by being unfaithful to your wife and her mother

Hi Bob

Never, ever give up on your daughter. I'm afraid this is the ultimate test and if you stop contact you will fail.

One day when she is a Mum with her own children she will be glad of her relationship with you. Hang on in there. a Letter once a month, a text every week. Something to say you love her. She is asking you to prove yourself and teenage girls are stubborn - in the end she will come back to you.

Take care xxx

Bunty said,

Sadly you reap what you sow

As I've previously posted before, my teenage daughter refuses to have anything to do with her father as she said he abandoned her. I have tried to get her to communicate as it is in both our interests for her to do so but I've given up now as it irritates her when I mention it.

What upsets me more than anything, is that he has totally given up on communicating with her (although she does not appear to be unhappy about this).

I would suggest that you never give up trying.

Bunty that is not a helpful comment - adultery does not exist in a vacuum and no one person can ever truly be responsible for a marital breakdown.

Bob, there is nothing quite like teenagers for a display of moral rightousness. Sadly all she will have seen so far is a very hurt and angry mum and a house move from her home to her grandparents, which will undoubtedly have affected her greatly and who will undoubtedly have their own view of you which was/is unlikely to have been witheld from her.

However, they do come through it, you just have to have a great degree of persistance. Send her little but usefull gifts, perhaps put a little money in her bank account to ease student life, and send cards telling her you have done so - there is nothing that a student appriciates more than a few pounds to fund an unexpected night out or other little luxury they thought they would have to do without.

Although she is 18 you are the adult, and the duty falls to you to keep in touch until eventually she sorts everything out in her own mind and reciprocates the contact. You are likely to find that as she is away at university, she is more able to make up her own mind, and will be mixing with other intelligent young adults who have been through similar experiences and will all have their tale to tell - she may well soon realise that a dad she ignores but who constantly tries is a dad worth getting in touch with. Dont stop the calls and texts - the mere fact she has kept the same number is likely to be indicative that she is listening, and although cannot or will not respond, that says a lot.

Dont give up, dont stop - carry on and bide your time until she comes round, but don't stop showing you are there and that you care - all girls need to know that their dad is their for them somewhere.

Good luck, and I hope it turns around soon for you.
Amanda

Amanda wrote:

Dont give up, dont stop - carry on and bide your time until she comes round, but don't stop showing you are there and that you care - all girls need to know that their dad is their for them somewhere.

I couldn't agree with you more. It's a pity that my stbx took advice from "people" who said that his texts "might" be upsetting her. Never asked me if this was the case. They weren't upsetting her, she just didn't reply to them.

I'm afraid that I have some sympathy with Bunty's comment as we all have choices and sacrifices to make in life.