I seem to have divorced my 18 year old daughter as

Hi Bob, as the Mum of a daughter who is devastated by her fathers actions and the resulting heartbreak caused by these actions, I would join the others in encouraging you to keep up your contact with your daughter.
Scumbag appears to have given up trying with our girl-as she hasn't responded to his last text-1 month ago.
I keep telling her that he hasn't been a cr*p dad, just a cr*p husband, but she feels so let down-as a female-by scumbags behaviour (which wasn't an affair, but serial infidelity with prostitutes).
We saw a fridge magnet the other day, that said 'The only man a girl can trust is her dad'. She laughed out loud at that.
Please don't give up on her-she needs time and a lot of effort on your part, to build up her trust in you again. It may take many years, so I hope you have some staying power.
Good luck.

Hi Bob
From a different aspect, my Husband's ex walked out five years ago, all planned as she moved straight into a flat with her new love. She left the children, did not even bother to tell them, their father had to do that. They did not speak to her for a while, but it soon passed and they were visiting her again. She then had another baby quite quickly!! In the meantime, she contributed nothing towards the house, the children, just made my husband's life sheer hell. He nearly went bankrupt, but all the time making sure that his children had clothes, food, warmth, holiday, mobile phones, he was financially crippled, but still she offered nothing.

How the tides turn, now the daughter will not speak to her father, will have nothing to do with him, probably because he never mad mouthed his ex, did not really say much to them about their mother, they were teenagers. Consequently, the ex has literally poisoned them with lies.
The Son is fine, I think he sees the truth in it all. The daughter ignores anything he does and has punched him, been downright awful. So this is the other side of the coin, he did not leave, have an affair and split the family up, he just looked after them, loved them helped them as much as he could, and she still turned against him. So it is not just the ones that leave that get a hard time. I am hoping that she will soon realise how much her dad did for her and how much he loves her and contact him. I hate it, he is such a good dad. But, if you have poison injected into you it takes a while to get out of your system.
Just keep doing what you are doing, and be patient.
zara

Speaking as an ex-teenager, many moons ago of course ... the most important man in your life is your dad, even if he dissappoints you. She'll come round eventually, I wouldnt stop trying to contact her altogether, but just ease off a bit. Take a little step back and she'll come to you when she needs you, after all, that's what you're there for, you're her DAD! That's one thing that isn't ever going to change. Good luck.

Thanks Red, very helpful and in line with what other have said. Time and patience is without doubt the key to the issue!! The "problem" i have is that clearly my daughter has changed a lot in the last 2 years and I find it almost impossible to buy something meaningful for someone I'm not in touch with. It's a bit like buying a christmas gift for a long lost aunt.....plus how to treat both kids equally when you only see one of them ? i sense the other point is that my daughter doesn't see where the money comes from that funds her life i.e. the maintenance I pay, her mum is the one always reaching for the purse or not, so I lose on another front. Going to uni is as I predicted a watershed, we've already had her 18th, I was excluded as was all my family, no photos were forthcoming etc, all pretty nasty stuff, fathers day is long forgotten, as is my birthday, don't get me wrong i seek nothing other than a nominal thought for the day. All in all it seems this is a very deep rift and whatever I do, low profile, pay maintenance, sent a token etc etc I am dammed, for now anyway. They say time is a healer.........clearly I will be waiting a long while, sound in the knowledge that one day she will meet a man that she will love more than her dad.

again, thanks

Bunty wrote:

At the end of the day it was you who caused this situation by being unfaithful to your wife and her mother

Lady in Blue wrote:

I'm afraid that I have some sympathy with Bunty's comment as we all have choices and sacrifices to make in life.

It is precisely because of this mindset that so many child custody issues arise, a HAPPY man or a HAPPY woman doesn't have an affair, if a relationship fails in the majority of cases it is because of the failings of both parties, even if it manifested itself as an affair by one or the other.
The point is it has nothing to do with the children and far too many aggrieved parties justify their actions on this very argument line and Amanda is entirely correct.

Excuse me Arnie,

I said I had some sympathy with Bunty's comment but then I agree with other people's comments as well if you were to read my post properly.

Each case is different but I still stick by my comment that we all have choices and sacrifices to make.

I chose not to re-kindle a love affair from many years ago after we bumped into one another. I chose to forgo my own personal happiness to honour my marriage vows and try to make a go of things. And more importantly, I chose not to leave our daughter and tear the family apart. I do not regret that decision one little bit.

My stbx chose to do prescisely the opposite with someone of dubious character. It is not my fault that our daughter has nothing to do with him. Indeed, I encouraged communication but to no avail. As I said before, he hardly makes any effort with her at all because he listens to what other people say instead of doing the right thing.

So please don't go spouting off about my mindset.

Lady in Blue wrote:

I chose not to re-kindle a love affair from many years ago after we bumped into one another. I chose to forgo my own personal happiness to honour my marriage vows and try to make a go of things. And more importantly, I chose not to leave our daughter and tear the family apart. I do not regret that decision one little bit.

So please don't go spouting off about my mindset.

Quite nicely illustrates the point about problems on both sides manifesting itself in an affair by one party or another.
Staying together for the children can be equally argued as both a good and bad thing.
Spouting off: I thought that was what forums were for, expressing your opinion, just because you don't agree doesnt make it any less valid.