Hello - this is my story! Long.

Hello all. New to this site, so thought I'd post up with my situation.

I've been married for 19 years to a woman 13 years older than me. We have 1 son, of 14.

Our marriage has - with hindsight - slowly drifted apart over the last 5 years, and at the beginning of this year my wife and I discussed this. She - at nearly 60 - was feeling very much that she wanted to "live a little" and we agreed to an open arrangement where we could both see others if we wanted.

We agreed not to tell anyone about this new relationship status, mainly for the sake of our 14 year old. Neither of us knew whether it would be a temporary thing and we would soon get back together, or if we would be formally splitting in a few years. Open minded, basically.

She was very soon dating, and not long afterwards so was I. We have both now been seeing new partners for 6 months - I am very much in love with my new girlfriend, but find it hard to read whether her boyfriend is serious or not!

In any event we both now agree that divorce is inevitable. She is still adamant that we should put it off for 2 years or so, and it is "all or nothing" - if we start telling people, especially our son, then we divorce and split now; or we should keep up the pretence, act like adults, and split at a time of our choosing. Sounds a bit idealistic if you ask me, but we have - for now - agreed to keep trying this approach.

Through all of this, our 14 year old has been our priority of course. We want to give him a stable background through his adolescence, GCSE's etc. She, more than me if I'm honest, has maintained that we should not tell him despite it surely becoming more and more obvious - even to a self-centred 14 year old! - that we do less and less together, and spend one or two nights a week away (with our new partners).

Nevertheless, we have agreed to consult solicitors to establish the facts and get whatever paperwork and agreements in place now in anticipation of the divorce.

I do stress that at no time is there any acrimony in this, and we will split things fairly down the middle so neither benefits at the expense of the other. I know this will be possible.

The things that I imagine may complicate proceedings are:

- living in the same house for the next 2 years, assuming we can continue the pretence (and I have my doubts!)
- we still share a bed! Yes, it sounds strange, but we don't hate each other and going from sex maybe once a year to never doesn't exactly make much difference. New girlfriend doesn't like it of course. But if we move to separate beds, surely it's a step closer to having to explain to son what's going on.
- she has not worked for the majority of our marriage so I guess I end up with paying maintenance...
- but with her about to formally retire in 18 months, but me being 20 years off it, I imagine pensions might be fun to sort
- the company I co-founded and have worked for over the last 22 years is likely to be sold in the next 2 years and could net a sizeable chunk of money. She is entitled to a good chunk - half, quite possibly - for sure (and that's fine) but it will be difficult to know how to deal with it as I have no idea what it will be worth (more than £100k, less than £1m!). This was another reason for thinking waiting 2 years might be a good thing.
- House prices - not good right now. Might be better in 2 years when we sell up?
- main issue, of course, is our son. Is it better to lie to him like this and run the risk of him resenting one or other of us, or to come clean and be honest with him now but still try and hang-in together for a few years. Or just get on with it and split now.

Well, that's me.

Omg! you are going to get so many replies to this post lol... My question is... is your girlfriend still going to be there in two years time?

At the moment I would say definitely yes, I will still be with her. I am the happiest I have ever been from that point of view. I do know I will NOT be back with my wife - NO WAY!!!

But I am enough of a realist to know that things don't usually work out in the way you expect!

The more replies the better lol

I think you misunderstood me, I mean, will your girlfriend wait the 2 years you intend to stay with your wife and sleep in the same bed? Hmmmm.

I think you have a very enviable position compared to most of us. But I see some real pitfalls.

What if your wife wants to get back together and you don't, will it turn acrimonious?

As previously stated, what if your new love gives up on you or adopts the approach that it is OK for her to see other people, 'just in case'?

Is lying to your son protecting him, after all he is 14 and probably knows as many chldren from split households as traditional? Don't treat him like a child, he will be angry with both of you for that.

The financial issues you raise are very sensible in light of the current climate. It would harm all parties, your son included, to jump into a situation that destroys wealth.

If it was me I would agree to talk to my son with your wife and be truthful. You no longer love each other but love him. You are going to separate (judicial) but continue to live together for the next two or three years because that is what makes the most sense. You will probably meet other people but you and your wife are friends and want to stay friends. You will always be there for him and as much as possible for each other.

You need to also think that maybe your wife does not want it to be public for any number of reasons. You should as much as possible accept and respect this.

If I had to voice a judgement call (we all make them, we just don't voice them) it sounds to me like you want to move on to be with your new gf and your wife has not reached that stage. This means that you are no longer functioning on the basis that you started out on. It will not be tenable long term. Whatever you do, be compassionate and respectful towards your wife. That is something that you can do which many of us wheren't given and if we had been given it we would not have had to troll the depths of dispair before moving forward.

Good luck to all three of you TimH.

mizmagoo wrote:

I think you misunderstood me, I mean, will your girlfriend wait the 2 years you intend to stay with your wife and sleep in the same bed? Hmmmm.

Apologies - I see what you mean now. At the moment she accepts it grudgingly, but inevitably, albeit only occasionally, it comes up as a bone of contention.

Bottom line - if (maybe it's when?) it jeopardises my new relationship, I will do whatever I need to do make sure the problem is fixed to the satisfaction of all parties.

perrypower wrote:

I think you have a very enviable position compared to most of us. But I see some real pitfalls.

What if your wife wants to get back together and you don't, will it turn acrimonious?

Hmmm - good point. But I really don't think this is likely. It might have been a possibility 6 or 9 months ago but not now. I said asked her just a few weeks ago whether she could imagine wanting to get back together and she agreed with me that it was "no way".

perrypower wrote:As previously stated, what if your new love gives up on you or adopts the approach that it is OK for her to see other people, 'just in case'?[/quote]

If that happens, then we've both blown the new relationship. As long as we're keep being 100% honest with each other - and I've never been as honest about myself as I have been with her and vice versa - then I do not see this as a possibility.

perrypower wrote:Is lying to your son protecting him, after all he is 14 and probably knows as many chldren from split households as traditional? Don't treat him like a child, he will be angry with both of you for that.[/quote]

This is absolutely my biggest concern. I am all for discussing it with him, but my wife is not. I must - and can, and will - respect her wishes here. We will no doubt revisit the decision every now and again.

perrypower wrote:The financial issues you raise are very sensible in light of the current climate. It would harm all parties, your son included, to jump into a situation that destroys wealth.[/quote]

That's the way we see it - thank you for supporting our views!

perrypower wrote:If it was me I would agree to talk to my son with your wife and be truthful. You no longer love each other but love him. You are going to separate (judicial) but continue to live together for the next two or three years because that is what makes the most sense. You will probably meet other people but you and your wife are friends and want to stay friends. You will always be there for him and as much as possible for each other.[/quote]

May I quote you? Nicely put and exactly the conversation I want to have with him. He's not stupid and I believe he will respect us, longer term, for being so honest with him.

perrypower wrote:You need to also think that maybe your wife does not want it to be public for any number of reasons. You should as much as possible accept and respect this.[/quote]

Wise words - thank you.

perrypower wrote:If I had to voice a judgement call (we all make them, we just don't voice them) it sounds to me like you want to move on to be with your new gf and your wife has not reached that stage. This means that you are no longer functioning on the basis that you started out on. It will not be tenable long term. Whatever you do, be compassionate and respectful towards your wife. That is something that you can do which many of us weren't given and if we had been given it we would not have had to troll the depths of despair before moving forward.

Good luck to all three of you TimH.[/quote]

I think you have summed it up very well, and I really appreciate you taking the time to reply. I will do my best to be compassionate and respectful not just to my wife, but to my g/f and son too.