What a pickle!

Ok well here goes, my husband of 8 years has left me (with absolutely no warning) 3 weeks ago. He's left me to care for our 3 boys all under 7.

He is supporting us financially atm, but i think that's because everything inc joint bank accounts and the house are all in joint names. I don't work as i'm fulltime at home with the boys.

He told me that he didn't love me anymore hadn't for a long time (thought he'd tried to make it work,though forgot to tell me!!) He's also told me he's had numerous indescretions, though not actually slept with anyone (yeah right!!)

I've been so hurt by him and i now think that a recent friendship developed has moved to another level for him which is what has caused this flip out as before this you honestly wouldn't have met a nicer more genuine guy.

I Want to know where i go from here really, i want to make sure myself and my boys are secure both financially and emotionally. Trouble is my husband even though he's living round the corner (literally) not seeing them all week, then turning up on weekend (boys letting him in) and spending all day here (in our house) with them, being really moody and cold to me(even though i've done nothing) and making everything very uncomfortable. He's not even being the fantastic dad to them that he was.

There is no way we will reconcile, he's done far too much damage for that, it's just trying to get my head around what to do next as it's driving me insane, if this is the way it's got to be i just want to move on and make things normal as i can!

Sorry that was a long mail, feel better off my chest now thou!!

had same problem with my ex hes not allowed my children at his house due to his new gfs behaviour so thought he could just turn up here whenever he wanted i got my solicitor to write him a letter saying this was not on u can stop this happening i did they change when they have a new gf believe me mine did big time didnt see his kids at all for 6 months now i say where and when he can see the boys you have every right as the mother to do so set it in stone or you will be walked all over by sounds of it the police are actually more help with problems like this than solicitors as its harrasment x

Thanks Sasi, it's so difficult to know what to do, i've offered him to come over a couple of night a week to bed and bath boys but he's said doesn't want to. JUst wants weekends (when assumably he has nothing else to do)

I don't want to be petty but feel that he is trying to have his cake and eat it. I asked what access he wanted and he said "i want to see them all the time at the weekend" but then nothing changes, he gets entire week of living the single life then comes home and plays dad at our house, though making him self at home and watching what he wants on the telly helping himself out the cupboards etc...makes me feel very uncomfotable. After all he's the one that chose to leave!

I haven't lost my temper, sworn, shouted, thrown anything at him at all, i've tried to stay calm, but the calmer i stay the worst he seems to become!!

Hi Puddy,
welcome to wiki.
I do believe that both parent should have free access to the children but in your case I feel what he is doing is very unfair.You cannot be only a weekend dad when there is nothing preventing you from seeing them during the week.
Young children like these need frequent ,short contacts.
You need to put your foot down otherwise he will walk over you.He chose to move out so you need to set boundaries .you need some rooms that are private for you.
You need to think and make a list ,only to do with the children and if you can get away from the house ,neutral teritory,set down you you want and expect and ask him to do the same.Tell him how you feel when he is in the house all over the weekend.
Next weekend why don't you just arrange to have a full day out and leave him to care for the children.Do not give him any notice-just say as you are always here so I am taking a day off,even the 2 days.Do that a few times he might change his mind.
Try and sort things between yourself if you can before getting others involved.
Make sure you have everything in writing and give him a copy.You would never realise how things like these are valuable in the long run as unfortunately the most considerable person tends to turn into monsters.
take care,you will get through it

Hi Puddy. Its common to get treated like this. I got the blame for her affairs and like a mug I took it all in. Firstly you havent done anything wrong. He is trying to shift the blame onto you for something he cant take the blame for. So dont own his lack of self worth or weakness or guilt.

If you dont like him in the house at the weekend inform him that he is not welcolm. If he wants to see the kids he should take them out. Why should you have to suffer his mood swings and indiference? Its not right. Also the kids will pick up on this. Kids love a bit of bother. So tell him he can have the kids when every he wants. Just not at yours. Thats what I would do. C

Hi Puddy

I agree with Marshy - there are 2 aspects to the FMH: one it is a house in joint names and two, it is your home!

Not much you can do at present about him effectively ending your marriage and setting up home somewhere else. However, in doing so he has removed himself from the family home.

I listen to a lot of situations like this in wiki (my own experience is different - neither of my 2 husbands would leave the FMH) and it seems to me that what you do next depends on the current state of the relationship between you. Given that you only really have 2 immediate choices, either continue with it or stop it, you first have to make a choice. I know which one mine would be

Having made that choice, if you went for option 2 then I would first discuss the interim arrangements with him. Now this is where I do have some personal experience.

In the first instance, my first ex and I agreed our own arrangements during the divorce proceedings. However, it didn't take long for him to spit his dummy out, so to speak, and aggressively ignored the arrangements, turning up when he felt like it and causing much disturbance; eventually running off with our (then 3 yr old) daughter. After police action and advice, I obtained an interim residence order and he was ordered to return her. I was also granted an injunction, he couldn't come within 3 miles etc.

I guess what I'm saying is that I think it's always best to agree things between you where possible, but I accept that there are sometimes circumstances that force our hand and we have to take what practical decisions we can.

The bottom line for me would be, it's currently your home and you get to decide when he can visit it and what he can do there. At least for now. Everyone has the right to feel safe in their own home Puddy - and if his behaviour is threatening that then I think you need to take some action.

I would also wonder why he is sitting in your home and watching television???? Does he know he's left?

People can only 'have their cake and eat it' if other people allow them to. Try asserting some authority and see what happens?

Let us know how you get on?

Good luck

Shezi

OK, he is coming over tomorrow to watch the baby while i take the eldest2 trick or treating, feel very unsure about it as i almost don't want him in the house while i'm not, but not a lot of choice.

The "friend" who i think there's something going on with is going trick or treating with us so it's the devil or the deep blue sea. Still trying to keep everything neutral so they don't get an inkling that i think somethings up..

He has just called and said about being here early on the weekend again. Know i have to tell him no it can't keep happening but it's very difficult as don't want the children to be messed about as it's HIM that keeps telling them that he's coming early before even consulting me.

He seems intent on playing happy families with this "friend" and her family (husband) included, and i'm starting to feel like a gooseberry within my own family...excluded when he's around as he seems to be unable to focus on the kids without including some sort of activity which is involving them(her) also!

All such a mess!!!!!

ANd shezi the funny thing is, i think he's left in lots of ways but still seems to want the perks of being here!! My telly my rules i think!