How do you stop feeling hurt, angry and betrayed?

clear cloud
you sound as if you are moving in the right way
im going thru second split with a live in boyfriend with a 'bit of paper' i have to look at it that way as the marraige was a farce i adored him but he shouted at my kids so i threw him out and he took twenty four hours to go crawling back to the 'lady' hes living with (the one he joined a dating agency to meet me through when he was with her)
i am on my own with four kids
well DONE for getting a job
and actually you shud be able to get a cross over in beneftits with going back to work
also youl be able to still claim housing benefit even though you are workingi fy ou are on a low income
and my rent is six hundred a month i only get four fifty paid
so i DO nderstand but THINK of how proud you will feel when you have your first wages, even if they go on supporting you they are what YOU have earnt

if you EVER need a friend
i can use plenty
hugs

Cheers Sun
Good to know there are others cheering me on. Did feel rather alone and sorry for myself yesterday, like nobody cares and had a good cry.

May sound pathetic but having been in in a marriage for 16 years the thought of being on my own having to sort job, housing and how to support daughter when we live together again is a bit daunting and scary and what if I get ill again, how will I cope?

I know it is all negative thought and I may not get ill again and last year when shit hit the fan, excuse the French, I did marvellously on my own when the beloved walked out on me in the middle of my 6 cycles of chemo and I took myself on the train to London and got to the hospital after 3 hours and bravely and tearfully suffered needles of which I am severely phobic, severely and that is no joke.

Then i stayed in London on my own for 3 weeks, Monday to Friday for radiotherapy after that and not once my husband came to see me and even when I rang him up really upset one evening, he still wouldn't come.

but I survived and realised that I didn't need him anymore and that we are all tougher than we think and you do have the inner strength and resources to do what you have to when it comes to it.

Take Care and thanks for listening, I don't feel so alone anymore.

Clear Cloud

hi angelsmum,
you've got a deal, at a time like this we can't have too many mates or support. That was a really sweet message from you, thank you. You know last year when I found myself all on my own coping with breast cancer recurrence after nine years and I am only in my forties and my husband's business collapsing and for some peculiar reason did not seem to fit in any neat slot to claim benefits, even though I have worked as a teacher for 20 years and paid my due, it was strangers that offered me the most kindness and kept me going. The only person in my life who did not let me down was my 14 year old daughter who came back from school and straight away came upstairs and asked me what I needed and when I had mouth ulcers and sore throats galore from the nasty poisonous chemo, she heated up some Heinz tomato soup and persuaded me to swallow some.

Strange how you can find yourself alone without support when you have a husband, a sister, a best friend of 27 years and others who claim to be your friends but when it came to the crunch, where were they?

it is easy to be bitter but I am not going to be, because it will eat at me and that is no way to live. I didn't survive cancer twice not to start enjoying life.

You definitely did the right thing, you shouldn't let any bloke shout at your kids, if he loved and respected you, he would treat your kids well too. My daughter definitely comes first with me, which is why I am working hard at building up myself and a new life so that I can provide for her and be a proper mum again.

I did not walk out on her, if I had stayed at the marital home, I would have got depressed again and be destroyed and what good would that be to her or me?

Hugs 4 u 2 and stay strong
Clear Cloud

Hi ya Clear Cloud,

Just finished reading all these messages (WOW!)and would just like to say I wish you all the best of luck for the future - you are going to do just fine - take one day at a time. Take care.

Big hug
Rainyx

Hiya Rainy
It is so great to meet more and more new mates who know what you are going through without having to spell it all out. it is like with the breast cancer i hated it when people who had never had it tried to give me advice or tell me they understood what I must be going through, because they didn't and never could unless they were in the same position. I hated it most when people insisted they would pray for me because i am now an atheist, was a practising Christian a long time before but long ago gave up on the myth of a loving caring God because he allows such nasty cruel things to happen to good people then he certainly is neither loving or caring. And sorry all you Christians out there but giving me the usual reason of freewill doesn't wash it with me, what about all that ethnic cleansing in Rwanda and Bosnia and my having cancer twice young and being depressed for 8 months afterwards, hardly being able to get out of bed and only jumping out just before my daughter got back with the school bus so it wouldn't upset her and then getting better and working at Tesco doing evenings and weekends to make ends meet and doing a really physically heavy job carrying heavy boxes of wines and spirits which was actually detimental to my health, as my left arm was weakened trememdously after all the surgery and I was told not to carry anything heavy, not even personal shopping or hoovering and got no thanks for it from my ex and then ceremoniously dumped and have all my illnesses thrown back in my face. I told him only a bastard would do that and I never took him for one. And he turned out to be a coward and a liar too by forcing me to separate as it became all too painful and a coward because he didn't have the guts to tell me he had stopped loving me and left the marriage in his head and heart years ago.

Yeah I will do fine because I am one tough cookie and I lost my personal power and handed it over to someone I thought loved me and was committed to our relationship and family come what may but I was obviously very much mistaken. I cannot recognise him at all now, he certainly is not the person I thought I had fallen in love and trusted and loved all these years, there you go, sad but true.

In chinese we say you dropped your glasses and I did big time and so did my mum with my dad and my half sister with her physically abusive husband. Unlike them I don't believe in the old Chinese belief that you made you bed so you have to lie in it, if it is destructive and killing you emotionally or otherwise and you start to not like yourself or lose confidence then you definitely have the right to get out, you owe it to yourself and your children.

take care and thanks for the encouraging comments
Big Hug 2 u 2
Clear Cloud

Clear Cloud,

My heart goes out to you. I am struggling with a similar pain. Married 16 years just like you, with a daughter, just like you, married to someone who became emotionally distant a couple or few years ago. Whenever I asked him was anything wrong? Was there anything he wanted to tell me? He only ever said he was "stressed out because of work" and didn't admit the real reason: He was in love with a woman he knew in high school 29 years ago and had started messaging her and phoning her every day, planning his escape from me while still going through the daily motions of, "I love you Sweetie" to me. Oh, it makes me sick, but here's the thing to think about: We may have wasted 16 years on these silly men, but thankfully we didn't waste 26 or 36... There is hope for a new and wonderful life. We deserve it, it's coming to us, so hang on.

((((((Hugs))))) to you.

Aly

Cheers Aly. it is sad that every day there are new broken hearted people introducing themselves and sharing their stories, which sound all too familiar and painful. I am sorry you find yourself in the same boat too but you sound a remarkably strong and positive lady, so huge respect to you.

Took me a good 4 months to get over the shock and devastatation to start to think straight and look for a job and start thinking about getting myself somewhere decent and permanent to live.

What hurts most for me was not that my husband had an affair and that was the reason the marriage broke down. He simply had fallen out of love with me for years now and going through the motions of a marriage, except he didn't even make the effort to make the right romantic noises and I was simply too blind and in love to see it. Or maybe I didn't want to, self-denial can be very powerful and perhaps is a self defence mechanism till we are tough enough to recognise the truth.

And the truth hurts. it is obvious I loved him far more than he ever loved me and I cannot forgive him for making me live a lie, believing I was in a happy marriage where we were both committed to each other through thick or think come what may. It may sound naive and pathetic but I believed in my marriage vows and my family was the only thing I cared about and which was what I fought so hard to keep together during my cancer treatment last year. When we had turned the corner and things had getter, he dumped me saying some extremely hurtful things which were not necessary. Rejection always smarts but the timing was particularly cruel and ironic.

On the positive side I have found a job, it is not very glamorous but it is a job and earning again will give me some independence and make me feel better. I am serving breakfast at a hotel just across the road from where I am living with friends and because the chain is always short of staff I have been able to pick up extra hours working in the cafe or other hotels having functions so I am very hopeful. The work is physically demanding but you can go home and forget about it whilst before as a teacher I could never relax worrying about all the things I hadn't done, so things would out for the best in the end.

Do you live in the States? I didn't realise this is an international site but of course the world is a global village now with all this modern technology Do you have any children?

Take care and you enjoy today.
Love and Hugs
Clear Cloud