How do you stop feeling hurt, angry and betrayed?

Clear Cloud,

I don't know how some people can live in a state of "auto-pilot" for years, just going through the motions as it were, allowing us to believe that everything's fine, holding back from real communication and then BAM - just dumping us along with our children at the worst possible moment without so much as an explanation. That's how it was for me too.

I'm so sorry your husband was such a coward, I really am. To leave you at such a difficult moment in your life, just unforgivable. If it's any consolation you must know that sometime in the future his conscience is going to give him hell for what he did. I'm not particularly religious but I do believe in divine justice, karma if you like, and it's almost certain he'll suffer the consequences of his actions in some way.

The important thing is YOU right now and it sounds like you are beginning to climb back up in the saddle again. You're working, piecing your life back together. So what if it isn't your ideal job? The main thing is it's giving you a reason to get up in the mornings, building up your confidence and self respect, and there is huge dignity in a job well done.

Right now it's early days for me and I don't have a permanent job yet. My husband dropped the bombshell by email just over a month ago (couldn't even summon the guts to pick up the phone) and I've been in a state of horrible shock ever since. Couldn't even tell me the real reason he wasn't coming back, just said he needed "time to think" and all that nonsense. I got on the internet to do a bit of research and lo and behold I found his sorry ar*e on a high school reunion site, chatting up an old high school flame who's now 48 years old and married with two children herself. I guess they think they can somehow miraculously step back to the future, but anyway, they are planning to run off together and live in Alabama. He hasn't seen her in 29 years so he's in for a wake-up call I imagine. Still trying to make sense of it all. Like you, I was clueless right up until the last second. I trusted my husband implicitly as he'd never given me any reason NOT to trust him. In fact he had always reassured me that the one thing I never had to worry about was him having an affair, that he'd always be loyal, etc., so I was lulled into a sense of false security for all of those years.

What hurts most is that I gave him my whole life. He was in the Navy for all the years we were married and during that time I raised his sons from a previous marriage through their turbulent teens, plus we have a beautiful little girl together. Because of his Navy career, we had to uproot the kids every couple of years to move on to the next place. Not the best scenario, but I accepted it because it was just part of the lifestyle of him being in the military. Our last duty station was Hawaii, so we spent 3 lovely years there (at least I thought they were lovely!). He is due to retire from the Navy next month, right around Christmas, so just four months ago I left Hawaii with our 13 y.o. daughter to come back to Texas in order to get our old house here fixed up and get our daughter settled into school. He agreed that would be a good idea, at least he wouldn't have a whole bunch of house repairs to take care of when he got back and would be able to devote his time to finding a decent job. Now that's not going to happen of course. Here we are stuck in Texas not knowing how our future is going to turn out. My daughter Kayla is completely broken hearted. She has gone from a happy go lucky little girl to an angry, sullen teenager who wants to wear black all the time and listen to 'emo' music. I've had to get her into counselling, I'm so worried about her. I also have to get a JOB really fast because there's a good chance my husband is planning on disappearing into thin air without even paying child support. I'm filing for divorce this week. This whole situation is a nightmare but I have to believe it will turn out for the best somehow. I just want to be able to reassure my daughter that everything will be fine but that's hard to do when I'm throwing up every 10 minutes with fear and can't keep any food down. She's old enough to know that I'm in a state of constant panic... I have to get a grip.

Anyway my darling, sorry about the long post. I just wanted you to know you are not alone and our situations are very similar in a lot of ways. Think you said you had a daughter too and that you'd also been married for 16 years? Yes, it's very sad that there are so many broken hearted people on here, but at least we can reach out to one another and gather strength. We just have to hold on and keep believing that something good will transpire from all of this devastation. It surely has to.

Love and hugs to you,

Aly (Scottish but living in Texas).

Hi Scottish Aly,
I like the Scottish, I find them very warm people. Was your husband American? What a coward he couldn't even tell you to your face, sent an email, that is as rude and bad as sending a text.

'Time to think' my arse. Mine told me he needed space and for me to leave him alone and not even talk to him. And then it was let's be housemates, raise our 15 year old daughter together but instead of being a couple live separate lives. I don't know why he thought I could do that. He was like a robot and totally devoid of any emotions apart from resentment and anger. I don't know why because I was the one unceremoniously dumped and he had the nerve to accuse me of not making any effort in our marriage and that he had made all the efoort. Total rubbish.

Like you I devoted myself to the family and taking care of their needs and loving them. I put a lot of love into our home and whenever I go back there to see my daughter, who is gorgeous and very mature, I feel strongly that the heart and soul has gone out of that house. To me it is only a building, not the loving home it used to be.

You are lucky, at least you get to live with your daughter. He refused to move out and staying there with him being so cold and critical would have driven me up the wall and I have to protect my health for my own sake and my daughter's. Luckily she understands, especially as I wasn't the one to end the marriage and break up the family. We try to see each other as much as possible, she sometimes comes on the train to stay with me in the weekend and I go to see her, although it is harder for me, as I can't afford the taxi fare from the train station to the house which is in the middle of nowhere.

Yes, I am piecing my life together and getting my act together. When I get my own place I will have truly sorted my life out. I am rather proud of myself that in the short space of 4 months I have managed to at least move on somewhat and be practical. I am really glad to have found a job, yes, it gets you of the house and now the weather has turned in England, rainy and grey, you can get quite depressed going over the past and asking the eternal questions 'why?' and 'what if's?'

The question I am still wondering is was he always this evil and cold or did he be ome like that? I think that people can't change that much and that it must be in you to be able to behave like that. It is true that love is blind, we make all kinds of excuses for people we love and put them on a pedestal with rose tinted glasses.

Now i know he never deserved my love and trust and instead of falling back into the old habit of asking,'What's wrong with me?', I am telling myself that one day he will wake up a lonely old man and realised what he had lost.

On the plus side, I have not felt this happy and free for a very long time. I could never relax anticipating the next putdown or criticism. it felt like I could never do anything right.

If it is any consolation, I don't think your husband and the old flame will live happily ever after; you cannot abandon your children and run off with someone else and have a clear conscience. In time there will be friction and blame and they will not trust each other because if they can do that to their spouses, they can betray each other too. Like you say what comes around goes around.

Strangers were incredibly kind to me last year and I go out of my way to be kind to others, good karma and it makes me feel good to help others.

I am sorry to hear your daughter is having such a tough time. I remember when my father left me as a teenager, similar age as your daughter, I thought.'Oh, so I am not good enough to stay for.' But she is lucky to have you to love and protect her.

Are you totally alone there or have you got friends you can talk to? What about coming back to Scotland? Do you still have family here?

Take care and stay strong and write to me whenever you want
love and hugs
Clear Cloud

Hi Pete
How r u? Wanted u to know that I have found a pt time job as a waitress serving breakfast at a hotel across the road from where I live and a Xmas job at W H Smith so things are looking up and working out. Thanks again for your advice and the encouragement. When I get fed up of working for min wage I may go back to teaching which is my real profession but first I need tosort head and heart out.

Cheers, take care
CC

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us."

You don't get over it, you have to power on through, vent the rage, shed the tears, share your emotions with others, this sites great you get to VENT baby. Time will be the only thing that heals, What keeps me warm at night is knowing that "what goes around, comes around", they can't always land in SH*T and come out smelling of roses. They are truly horrid people that go that extra yard to cause you more pain than is truly necessary, they'll get theres, I feel for you cos I'm sharing the experience with you. Sod him, forget him and love yourself, so you can love again in the future. SG