Hello - New Here

Hi,

I am just in the process of separating from my wife of 11 years, she wants to leave me and our two children (16 and 13) after I recently found out that she was seeing someone else.

Not too sure how to explain this so apologise if it is a little disjointed and sorry if it is long.

We had been drifting a part for the last 18 months, since going back to work a few years ago she had found new friends and began going out with them more and more. In the beginning I was supportive, we had moved areas two times due to my job and she had had a hard time developing new friends, in the same process I did not make new friends, she was my only close friend and best friend.

During 2007 she began staying out once month with a friend and going away for the weekend with them once every couple of months, again this was OK. However over the last year this has changed to 3 or 4 times a week, one night baby sitting for a friend and staying over night, another night going out with the girls and on Saturdays going out with another set of friends and coming home Sunday evening. Things were made worse as she worked most weekends so we had very little opportunity to see each other.

I tried to do things with her but she was never interested, I invited her out during the week and away at the weekends but she was always had other things to do. I guess by about March time this year I stopped trying.

At the same time, I was doing things with the children, taking them out at the weekend and having DVD & pizza nights on Saturdays, it was nice but still sad as my wife was not sharing this.

During the summer I found a card which was obviously intended for someone else saying how much she loved them, I did not say anything as I tried to figure if I was mistaken (I know how that sounds). Then a few weeks ago I found a bunch of cards, letters and photos while she was on a week’s holiday with her friends. When she came home I told her I knew, at first she denied it and then accepted that it was true…that was 2 weeks ago.

She has told me she no longer loves me and wishes to sell the house so that we can have two smaller houses; she wants me to have the children. She wants to move out as soon as she can and has been staying around friends or sleeping on the sofa, she always wants to be home in the morning to make sure the children go to school OK.

Talking to her over the last week I am confused, she says she is very unhappy and will loose everything, she feels the children and I have our own life which does not include her even though it was her choice to go out so often, she says she is not a good mother and I will make a much better father, I disagree, if only she would give herself a chance.

I am now at the point that I feel guilty for making her feel this way, it was never intended, I have had such a mix of emotions over the last weekd. I am feeling it is my fault for her having an affair, although at the same time I see what she has done, I am confused and very lonely. I am also very worried for her; she is very low and confused, I want to help her but also understand I need to give her space.

We plan to tell the children tomorrow, explaining that they will live with me and she will come around each morning to see them and in the evenings to cook diner, I am not sure if this arrangement will work, I have said that we should try again but she wants to leave.

Thanks for listening.

Hi Mark

Sorry to hear this. Sounds like you've been thru the wringer a bit there. I can relate to a lot of your story. First of all, try to stop blaming yourself. You didn't make her have an affair, that was her decision all the way and guilt will only add to your already considerable burden. You have found a place to find support, advice and friends so call back here as often as you need

I hope it all goes as smoothly as possible tomorrow

Sun

Hello Mark

Wellcome to wiki i hope you find it usefull, i agrea with Sun dont blame yourself she chose to seperate herslf from the family and have an affair, and if you are prepared to try again perhaps she will see sense in time,

Hi Mark
welcome to wiki, as everyone has said, you will get the support you need here.

You will need lots of it as the days go by.

One of the worst things about affairs is that the adulterer already has the support they need from their partner in crime, and you are left feeling alone, lonely and lost.
WE ALL KNOW BECAUSE WE HAVE BEEN THERE.

I do hope it goes well when you speak to the kids, as I've said many times they are resilient and do bounce back. But of course that doesn't make it any easier for you all, I do undersatand that.

Please tell us how you get on over the coming days.At the moment things will just feel unbearable, but it will get better, look after yourself, debs

Hi Mark
Welcome to Wiki,

Sorry to hear your story. The spinning top will slow down in time and you will be able to cope a bit better.

Unfortunately, you are in the position of being on the bottom rung of the ladder emotionally. The party that decides time is up, has usually planned and schemed and had the opportunity to climb the steps a little faster. They have had time to plan and adjust to the potential changes that are going to happen.

It is a case of riding the rollercoaster, holding on tight, gritting your teeth and waiting for it to stop. It does, in time, but it is a scarey journey all the same.

Wiki will be a great place for comfort, realising that you are not on your own. You will get both emotional and legal advice which will keep your head just that bit clearer.

None of us really WANT to be here, but sharing your thoughts and fears can make the pain a little less to bear on your own.

So dont sit there all alone, log on, there is usually someone around to chat with.

take care
zara

hello mark,
welcoem to wiki,
It sounds you are a very tough time.Like sun said,do not blame yourself.If she was unhappy she should have discussed it with you and give you a chance to put it right before moving on.She has taken her new found freedom to a new extent.and she will soon realised that it is not as good as she thinks it is when reality sets in .but unfortunately she would have caused so much hurt along the way.I cannot understand how any parent can just offer the children to the other partner.Your children are very lucky to have you.I am sure the arrangement of her coming every morning to see to the children will not work out.You need to decide on a better arrangement for her visit.The children are old enough so need support and guidance which Iam not sure she can provide at the moment.You should take the wishes of your children into considerations and do not forget your feelings too.Can you cope with this arrangement,not knowing where she is coming from?
take care,
hang there ,we will support you
xxxxxx

Hi Mark,

Sorry to hear about your situation. It must be so awful for you. I am sure you will find support on this great Wikki site.

I don't think you can blame yourself in this situation. As I have been told by many of the Wikipeeps it takes two to reach this point. In saying that I am afraid I cannot completely sympathize with your wife. She has thrown away a beutiful life and a mothers responsibility and for what, to live like an 18 year old again?

It still astounds me when I read stories much the same as yours. People nowadays have become so self-absorbed that they do not even consider anyone else. Maybe it is a symptom of the age we live in, where we are encouraged to think about planet "me" and to hell with the consequences.

There will be light at the end of the tunnel, please try to remain strong for your self and your children.

All the best.