Hello - New Here

Hi,

Thank you for your comments and help.

We told the children last night which was pretty hard. My son took it in, did not say anything which is what I expected as he is the younger and quieter one, I will look after him in the next few days.

My step daughter took it much harder than I expected, the last week or two she had been dropping heavy hints, but last night she just cried and then went out with her friends.

Today feels like an aftermath, but I know we have to look after the children get them through this and shelve our feelings for a while.

It has helped writing to this forum and appreciate your support.

Hi mark,

What a terrible time for you all. It will seem like time is standing still right now. Yes your children will be needing lots of support, the only positive thing right now is that you have spoken to them and that part is over. You wont have to go thru that again.

They see this at school with their peers, they will know that they are not alone. once the shock wears off they will come round.

Do tell the school so they can look for any downslip in their schoolwork.

Most importantly keep the lines of communication open even if they just grunt answers back at you. They also have exam and test pressure and the usual teenage grievences so be patient yet firm and keep talking to them. I also have 2 teenagers,their feelings toward their dad and his GF keep changing. One week they hate him the next week i'm enemy no.1. You just cant win. lol

Make sure your son, who is quite does talk about his feelings, my youngest keeps things in, but it comes out in other ways.

Keep posting mark, debs

Thanks Debs.

It feels a bit strange posting here, I know everyone has heard something similar to wht i am saying so don't want to whine on. But it does help writing it down and talking.

One of my main problems in all of this is that I have no close friends to talk to, actually if I had the whole thing may have been fixed long ago.

Back to the children; this weekend that have not mentioned it and I have not pushed, I wanted to leave it so that they can speak when they want. I think as my wife is still sort of living in the house they are thinking it is life as normal so can hide from it. We will see.

Thanks for listening

Hallo Mark

You aren't whining on. You are trying to get through a very painful time and people on here have either already done that, or are in the same process, so are best placed to listen.

Friends are good to talk to, but often its difficult. I don't want to run down my ex to them, nor listen to them run him down either. I'd rather have a fun time with friends and only talk to those who have been through the same thing as they understand how confusing it is with all these emotions swirling around.

As for the children, just try to keep things as normal as possible for them.

And for yourself - stop worrying about your wife. She has chosen not to be helped by you or to share her concerns. You need to focus on you now.

I know its hard, 31 years of being with my ex, I found when he'd moved out that I was worrying if he'd be happy with his new woman!!! I didn't want him back, but I didn't want him to be hurt!!! Now, after a lot of grief and anger I've got through with anti=depressants and counselling, I feel indifferent to him. He's made his bed and he has to lie in it.

I had been beating myself up over being a bad wife and mother, and have now learned that I was just doing the best I could. My 16 yr old son has left school and refuses to do anything job/career/educationally and I can't tell you how happy I was when I bumped into an old acquaintance yesterday whose 16 yr old daughter has done the same thing. It isn't cos we're bad mothers. We are both doing the best we can.

You are doing the same, so give yourself a pat on the back and treat yourself to something indulgent - even if its only a hot bath!

Hi Mark

Your story is very similar to mine. I am further down the road as my wife moved out more than 6 months ago and my stbx says she wants 50/50 childcare. This didn't happen when she first moved out, but now she is being forward in having the children with her half the time.

My children are 15 (boy) and 12 (girl) they seem to have coped very well.

I have found that trying to push them into talking about how they feel makes them uncomfortable, especially my son, and so have just let things drift along and make sure that they know I am there for them.

I am in a similar situation on the close friends front as I have lost touch with all my old friends and my circle of local friends had ended up being partners of my stbxs friends and so I have lost touch with them.

I have started doing things like popping down to the local with a paper and can usually find someone to chat to, and I hope that I can build a circle of local friends. I have also joined a social group and been to some events to meet people as I was feeling quite lonely when the children where at their mums.

I have also found that things get easier with time.

If you do want to chat and let off steam feel free to send a private message

All the best to you and the children

Steve

Mark,

Hey,no way are you whining on. Its the best place to be right now and you absolutely must let your feelings out.

Your feelings will keep on changing and you will take steps forward and steps back.

I dont have any close friends of my own either. So wiki is my lifeline.

Keep posting with your good and bad times.

love, debs

I know that you are right, just taking time to get used to it all. Also (I know you will love this), I want to make sure that I give you a balanced view, my wife has done this for a reason, and obviously I am not perfect so there are reasons on both side - just don't want to paint my wife as a monster because in most ways she is not.

I also see this is definately a rollercoaster ride. Yesterdy was actually a good day, had a good night with my so watching DVD's, went to bed a about 2am and the woke up with that anxious sinking feeling at 4am....did not get back to sleep.

Today my wife has come back to the house and I am tip toeing around not sure what to do. I would like to be friends and talk but don't really feel like it.. I am confused, I would like to sit with her, hold her as I know she is also struggling but, I would like to remain friends so feel that I should try harder, but then I remember why we are in this.

I think my up days are when I don't see her and my down ones are when she is at home, but when she is away I miss her.

confused............