Hello - New Here

Hi Mark,

It is a confusing time.

My s2bx is staying for the weekend. He isn't very well (has a chest infection). He arrived friday night in a bad mood and has spent all weekend being very cruel to me and boys. He said he should have stayed at home with his GF, but she hasn't been looking after him. Now the wifely side of me wants to wrap him up and make him feel better, but it really isn't my role any more. So he is angry because he hasn't been getting the attention from me that he thinks he should still get. So me and the boys have spent weekend walking on eggshells.

So yes, the roles we play in life can be confusing.I guess its like a new relationship it needs time to settle, and for us to find our place in the relationship, into the new role we find ourselves in.

You say you want to be friends, thats fine but dont bother unless its recipricated. You can make new friends, dont rely on her to be there for you.

hugs, debs

Debs

She says she wants to be friends and is friendly when she is here, she is not nasty in any way.....which is the same as we are both doing the eggshell thing.

But for me it is confusing, I see the woman I still love but know I cannot be close to now.

When she is here it is like a month or so ago before I told her I knew..........friendly but cool.

We are not arguing, but we rarely did, only time we argued was when she was drunk which has become too often, but that is another side of things.

Hi Mark,

Then you need to Break the 'love hook' that exists. You cannot carry on feeling the way you do. It sounds like you are fortunate in that you are calm and civil toward one another and that is good.
However you cannot go on feeling love struck with someone who is not feeling the same toward you. You are slowing down your own progress.
You are not allowing yourself to heal and move on. This is not good for you, I have been there , accepting it is over is the best you can do.
We have called it the 'eureka moment'. One day it will dawn on you that you have wasted your emotional effort on her. It will happen.

Hugs , debs

You are right and in general I accept that it is over and she is moving on, mostly I am doing OK for this point

I trip up when she is at home and can see her. For instance tonight she is going out to dinner and I assume that is with her new love....that generates feelings of hurt which I know are not healthy.

I think if we can sort out the house and she can move out then that will be a big step forward and I can begin rebuilding my life.

Hi Mark,

Poor you, I really do feel for you.
I was given this advice : As far as possible have zero contact with your x. This will hasten your recovery.
When there are children involved of course its not possible.

You have hit the nail really, it is not possible to move on when old feelings are being raked up by seeing your loved one.

I hope your house situation is resolved quickly, then you can start afresh, you will get there, just dont give up on yourself. debs

I agree, unnecessary contact prolongs the agony.

I find I am always upset when my ex comes round. Even if we chat and get on, I feel really down when he goes and I know I am better off without him.

Hi Mark

I am really sorry for the pain hurt and confusion you are feeling.

It does not help when sleep evades us, but as everyone says it will get better. Belevie that.

I remember telling out kids (well he did) it was the most horrific day ever, I am assuming that your kids are teens from your post - but there are websites if they are interested in looking them up.

It must be doubly hard for you seeing her everyday, can you be out when she is there - I think I woulod have found that too hard to take, seeing him everyday.

You need phsyical distance to get emotional distance enough to recover. But I understand that it is hard to do that.

One piece of advice that was given to me about the kids - was to ask - how are you feeling/do you want to ask/it is ok to feel sad....etc - to give them an opportunity to talk but to give them space not to if they dont. but to leave it open and so that they know they can talk to you - they often worry about us - and maybe feel unable to talk for fear of worrying us more.

Good luck and keep posting - we are all in the same boat and can empathise.

take care
Jolly