Feeling so guilty

Darwin and Pink,

There is a book by Andrew G Marshall, "I love you, but I'm not in Love with you". Seven Steps to saving your relationship. That you should both read. It is cheap, just a few pounds from Amazon or Tesco.

Give it to yourselves and partners for Christmas. If you really can't make a go of it, it will be apparent very quickly and then you will find that the guilt will be easier to face if you sadly have to go for a separation/divorce,

best of luck,
Perry

Hi Pink

I'm sorry you're in same situation and that you feel guilty too.

I think I am gradually starting to feel less guilty as I realise that there are quite a lot of people in this situation - this site is good for this. I'm also starting to be able to remind myself that I'm not a bad person or abnormal in some way - thsi is just something thst has happened. Sorting it out is going to be very messy and I'm not close to doing that quite yet - Xmas not a good time for these discussions!

I hope you also manage to sort our your situation - I do not what you mean about getting on without him

Take care and I hope the site helps you - let me know if I can help talk it through - since we seem to be in such a similar position.

Perrypower - thanks for the book recommendation I'll have a look for it

Hi there Darwin...well Im another one!!! I was in exactly the same position as you..I married at 20..was with husband for 17 years..married for 15. Two lovely girls, now 12 and 8. I ,like you, just fell out of love. There were things over the years that caused me to resent him in some ways, yet on the other hand he has such many good qualities. But I couldnt help feel trapped. We had a nice life, lovely home, nice cars, holidays etc etc. On the outside we were known as the golden couple.

I told him 2 years before we actually separated that I felt unhappy and didnt feel emotionally close to him anymore..I told him I no longer felt" in love" with him though I would always care deeply. He was having none of it and came up with "ground rules to a good marriage" and really did try and make lots of effort. But even after 2 years of him making more effort, I just couldnt force myself to feel differently. I eventually decided I had to leave 16 months ago. I especially knew I couldnt live the rest of my life hyperventilating at the thought of him coming near me sexually!
We have a right to be happy. And I knew I wasnt being fair on him because he needs and deserves to be loved..and I just wasn't fullfilling his needs.
I have gone through hell and put everyone around me through hell. I can't pretend to you it's a piece of cake. Its not. The guilt is awful. Particularly when your ex is very angry and upset and looking to blame you at every opportunity with continual finger pointing and claims of "YOU BROKE UP THIS FAMILY YOU HAVE RUINED MY LIFE AND THE LIFE OF OUR CHILDREN". Its really hard. I went through counselling just a few months ago because I felt myself weakening to his pressure...but knew I just couldnt and didnt want to go back. I needed to feel strong to see it through and not be manipulated back into a relationship that simply wouldnt and couldnt work for me.
My kids are fine now..they took it hard to begin with but they are both really happy girls..still doing well at school..stbex and I are actually on good terms now and still close in a strange way.. I know he would still want us back together at the drop of a hat..despite the fact he now has a girlfriend! Thats hard too to know that If I really wanted I could go back..and somedays granted, I have been tempted!..when its all just seemed so hard and complicated and upsetting. But Ive stood my ground.
I feel happy and content with my life. Not sure Id say i feel happier than I was when married and sometimes still feel sad and miss the stability of married life, but I know I needed to just be on my own.
I have my own house now and the kids are over at stbex this weekend. I have the whole weekend to myself to do my christmas shopping, I have just been promoted and now working full time at work..life is good xx

Hi there , I can see that you have had many lovely posts of support and encouragement.
You are not the only woman to stay in a marriage for the sake of her children there are plenty out there and probably always will be.
I was once in that situation myself.
But one day,like you, I woke up and realised it's time to move on.
It caused my ex husband and my children more pain by us staying together.
I think my older children breathed a sigh of relief when we did split.
You're children are old enough to understand and yes they will be grieved that their parents are to split (if you do) but in time they will accept it.

It takes alot of inner strength and courage to face a whole new life , and you will amaze yourself at how much you will cope and how far you will advance if you do take that path.
You are already showing those inner qualities by having counselling sessions.

That is a fantastic move on your part , it is there where you are exploring your feelings and emotions and working them out in your own mind.
You say you just dont love him anymore ,sometimes people can find that love again that was once there and sadly some don't ,whichever it is for you ,you are finding out.

You are taking your time and not rushing into leaving or any rash decisions so the decision that you come to in time, will be the right one for you, and when you know that , then you will find the strength to follow it through.
I wish you well on your journey
xx

Hi, Just read your thread as my stbx keeps saying she is feeling so much guilt, so I wanted to know what a women is thinking when they decide to leave their husband and break up a family with 2 very young children when they have a nice home, holidays and a loving father/husband. I can see being in a relationship with a man you no longer love but just care for isn't ideal and you have tried your very best to make a go of it but you still feel the same way. Can I just say well done for trying so hard, I know some women would of left a lot lot earlier.

Hi all

I am amazed there are so many of us out here that feel this way I am now a year on and things are so much better. I still cant talk to my ex properly I still feel upset id love to know why(even though he also wanted out) we still lived in the same house after separating for about a year and he just lost it towards the end as he began to lose control over me he said so many nasty things and did some really bad stuff too. I still, even through the bad things he said to me felt guilty. Looking back now though it was still the best thing I ever did I still for even all the bad stuff he did and has done since still cant hate him . I have a fantastic new boyfriend this makes me also realise how much I just didn't love my husband anymore and hadnt for longer than I thought . I get on great still with my kids who both live with me. It can be hard sometimes but I think the only thing I miss is being a family as in mum dad and kids I also think its because I have never really been on my own that was a scary part but a year on ive still survived and I know things are only going to get better :)Even though I dont post often I love to check this site from time to time more for the fact I know things I go through im not alone in my thoughts x

Living again wrote:

Hi there Darwin...well Im another one!!! I was in exactly the same position as you..I married at 20..was with husband for 17 years..married for 15. Two lovely girls, now 12 and 8. I ,like you, just fell out of love. There were things over the years that caused me to resent him in some ways, yet on the other hand he has such many good qualities. But I couldnt help feel trapped. We had a nice life, lovely home, nice cars, holidays etc etc. On the outside we were known as the golden couple.

I told him 2 years before we actually separated that I felt unhappy and didnt feel emotionally close to him anymore..I told him I no longer felt" in love" with him though I would always care deeply. He was having none of it and came up with "ground rules to a good marriage" and really did try and make lots of effort. But even after 2 years of him making more effort, I just couldnt force myself to feel differently. I eventually decided I had to leave 16 months ago. I especially knew I couldnt live the rest of my life hyperventilating at the thought of him coming near me sexually!
We have a right to be happy. And I knew I wasnt being fair on him because he needs and deserves to be loved..and I just wasn't fullfilling his needs.
I have gone through hell and put everyone around me through hell. I can't pretend to you it's a piece of cake. Its not. The guilt is awful. Particularly when your ex is very angry and upset and looking to blame you at every opportunity with continual finger pointing and claims of "YOU BROKE UP THIS FAMILY YOU HAVE RUINED MY LIFE AND THE LIFE OF OUR CHILDREN". Its really hard. I went through counselling just a few months ago because I felt myself weakening to his pressure...but knew I just couldnt and didnt want to go back. I needed to feel strong to see it through and not be manipulated back into a relationship that simply wouldnt and couldnt work for me.
My kids are fine now..they took it hard to begin with but they are both really happy girls..still doing well at school..stbex and I are actually on good terms now and still close in a strange way.. I know he would still want us back together at the drop of a hat..despite the fact he now has a girlfriend! Thats hard too to know that If I really wanted I could go back..and somedays granted, I have been tempted!..when its all just seemed so hard and complicated and upsetting. But Ive stood my ground.
I feel happy and content with my life. Not sure Id say i feel happier than I was when married and sometimes still feel sad and miss the stability of married life, but I know I needed to just be on my own.
I have my own house now and the kids are over at stbex this weekend. I have the whole weekend to myself to do my christmas shopping, I have just been promoted and now working full time at work..life is good xx

I hate to read this post as this is how my wife told me it was, if it had been this way and no one else had been involved with her sexually I would like to think we would also be getting along nd things would not be as nasty as they have become. I do also take much comfort from your post in your words of regret and remorse, hurt that you still have and the thoughts that you still miss many aspects of your previous life together. I would like to think my wife feels the same but I am not sure? Thanks for posting it anyway, I try to picture her writing it and actually having some feelings of remorse as I have had none from her.