Feeling so guilty

Reading through this forum it looks like I may be one of the few people who would be the initiator of a separation.

I've been with my husband for 25 years - since I was 21. We have 2 children now 18 and 20. I have had problems with this relationship for at least 15 years and have kept it going for the sake of my children. My husband is a very good father and a good man - however I just don't love him. I don't really know why - I feel very guilty that I don't love him - he deserves my love. He loves me and wants me to be happy. We went to Relate about 14 years ago to try and fix things - it didn't really solve the underlying problems but I realised that the pain I would cause to all of us if we were to split up was so huge that I just couldn't go through with it and have just kept going.

I feel very unhappy in this relationship to me it feels very strained and communications are very difficult - we seem to have lost the ability to talk properly. There are aspects of his behaviour which I find very stressful. I know that my behaviour also annoys him at times too.

I started going to a counsellor recently - initially with the intention of trying to find out what I needed to do to improve things between us. However as I've talked about it and thought about it I have come to realise that I don't think I can fix it - I don't see how I can change my feelings for him. I now believe that I want to separate from him - however I'm racked by guilt at the thought of doing this as I know he would be devastated and that our children would also find it extremely difficult and would probably blame me for breaking up our family. So I feel kind of trapped by the whole situation.

I know that I should probably just be grateful for 2 beautiful children and a man that loves me - but this just makes me feel even more guilty and selfish.

Has anyone else been through this sort of situation and has anyone got any advice or thoughts on how I should go forward.

Hi Darwin

We only have one life - your children are grown up - maybe its time to start living yours. You are still a young woman.

Do you want to get to 90, look back and think - what was all that about?

It will hurt people and it will hurt you if you break up, but we all deserve to be happy and your husband deserves someone who loves him back.

It is hard to be selfish but it sounds like you have done your time in that relationship. You have half a life yet - whatever you do - if it is working it out with husband or not - make it count.

Wishing you luck and strength.

SadEyes x

SadEyes - thank you so much for your sympathetic reply - I burst into tears when I read it.

It means so much to have that support.

I do hope that my husband might find someone that really loves him.

Also that perhaps one day I might find someone that I can really love too.

Thank you again

I'd give you a big hug if I could
darwin111111

Hi Darwin

It is tough to break up a relationship and family. I know - I've done it. It is hard for you as you have no "reason" to do it.

Yes the children will make you feel guilty (mine are 11 & 7). Yes the husband and his family will make you feel guilty. But the pay off longterm is to know you can live the life you want to and be free. That is an amazing feeling - to be who you truly are, not what you think you should be.

Follow your heart and you will find the strength in your convictions. Have dignity - be firm and start demanding what you want from life. No more second best!

Take care and keep posting

x

Hi Darwin'

Well I do have respect for you, (assuming adultery is not involved). It is very sad when one party in a relationship isnt happy and feels they cant mend the problem. You seem to love your husband in many ways.

We are a long time dead so we must make our living years count.I admire you for wanting to leave your marriage before involving a third party. If you leave your husband it could leave him broken for a while, but he will recover, as we all do. But it could be a lot worse for him. If you had an affair the situation for him would be a lot worse. Other wiki peeps may disagree with me. But speaking from my own experience I would still be torn apart by my husband leaving me, but I would feel better if there was no other woman to contend with.

If you make the break now it will also give your husband chance to have a better life too. He can find someone to share his life with, who will love him the way he needs.

Its tough but you must let him move on too.

Keep posting with your progress, debs

Thanks for your thoughts debs - there is no adultery or relationship in my case. I am still trying to figure out what to do and am not sure I have got to a final decision. Hard to know what to do as it feels like it might be better for all of us to move on. But I know the pain of getting there would be awful. I read some of the terribly sad posts in this forum about spouses wanting to separate and the pain it causes the other half.

I keep thinking that there must be some way in which I can fix things but I think through all the things in my head and jsut can't see how. I need to talk more with my counsellor I think.

Thanks SadEyes also - I will try to figure it out - it would be great to feel like I was able to be the real me.

Hallo

I don't see that you need to feel guilty. You've done counselling, both with and without your husband, in an attempt to fix things.

But I think you are realising they are unfixable.

You don't need to stay with your husband because of the children, as they are grown up and will be making their own lives.

You say that you don't want to hurt your husband - but however painful it is to split up, people do have an amazing capacity to heal and your husband may find a better life with or without anyone else.

I have been separated from my husband for 5 months and am feeling tons better, as though a great weight has been lifted off me.

Its clear that my husband was only interested in himself and he has hardly bothered to see our children (2 boys 16 and 14) since he left. He only lives 5 minutes' drive away so its not a great logistical problem. But both my boys have said they aren't bothered about whether they see him and that he wasn't around for them much when he was living here. So I now wish I'd thrown him out earlier - it might have made things better, but I put up with being unhappy because I thought that was what was best.

But I am aware now that life is finite and I need to make the most of it. I have a right to be me and so do you!