Feeling so guilty

Hi Darwin,

You must be going through hell, you sound like a very generous person, always putting your children and your husband before yourself. My heart goes out to you.

Your situation sounds very similar to my own. I was the initiator of our separation, oh boy it was tough on some days; but easier on others when my ex reverts to type and displays all the behaviours I abhor.

I too tolerated behaviours that I hated for years, as I couldn't bring myself to break up our family. It took nearly 12 months of Counselling before we split for me to see that there was only one way for me to be happy and truly learn to be and enjoy being WHO I AM. I had no idea who I had become after compromising for so long.

It takes two to fix a relationship - I tried this too. But he just couldn't "get it". Doing it by yourself means you making all the effort, it can't work in the long run. It's exhausting with little reward and much frustration. But you already know this.

Please try not to feel guilty, the only person this will hurt is you. Only you know what is in your unspoken thoughts.

How best to do it? Talk to your children, they might surprise you with how they see their parents relationship. Once you've made up your mind - go for it.

Best of luck.

Em x

Hi Darwin,
welcome to wiki.
I understand how you feel.It is very common that after being together for so long that you realise you have not got much in common and one of you want to move on.If it is done in a civilise ,thoughtful way,I am sure though you husband will be hurt he will be able to recover fairly quick.
Talk to him ,be fairly frank.Give him time to adjust to the idea.He will be angry and go through all the emotions of getting divorce but with your help it might not be so severe.
Work things out together towards ending.
Offer him to petition you on UB.
I am sure the children are not blind and they are aware of your unhappiness,but you should never mention that you stayed because of them,that will make them feel guilty.
Both you and your husband deserve to be happy with or without each other.
good luck

Thanks noregrets, emma b and mariaa.

You all make good points and I'm very grateful for your advice and thoughts.

emma - your point about not knowing who you were I can completely empathise with as I too feel that the real me has kind of disappeared.

mariaa - you are right that I shouldn't tell my children that I stayed for them - it would just make them feel bad.

NoRegrets - I'm glad that things have worked out well for you and very sorry that he hasn't shown more interest in your boys.

I will keep on with the counselling and hopefully will soon feel strong enough - in terms of my decision - to be able to talk and get things started. I think I have to try and look forward to a more positive future rather then letting myself get so buried in negative guilt - it's just been dragging me down into depression and that won't help anything.

Darwin,
your's is probably one of the nicest posts I've read on this site.

As you probably realise, many of us were devastated by our spouses leaving because they choose to find emotional support in someone else before they told us. Don't let this happen. It will be many times worse than just separating.

There is no need to rush into a divorce. There is a need to talk to your husband, he deserves to know how you truly feel. Maybe you will find that he too has let you go emotionally already, or maybe that his love is so deep that he will need alot of compassion as you move out of the relationship heart, body and soul.

Happiness, is as you know, inside of us. You won't find it in someone else, not permanently, it does not work that way.

The guilt is part of the process. It is healthy as long as you don't let it consume you.

mariaa is right, don't say the children are the reason for staying. I also don't feel it is necessary to tell the other person that you have felt this way for years and years. It makes it very painful for them, as if they have failed you all that time and you never said anything, never gave them the chance to sort it out.

I know some people will say if it the truth then say it. The truth however isn't that you have not been happy for a long time, it is that in the last 12 months you have changed. You have gained sufficient self awareness and drive that not being fulfilled is a problem. That is not something to be guilty about. It is life.

There is never a good time to tell someone you once upon a time loved and who may well still love you, other than right now. The sooner you two talk about it the sooner the way forward will become clear.

Hi Darwin
I was in exactly the same position as you, i even paid for a spell to love him again.
We had nice home cars, holidays 2 lovely kids and didnt want for anything, but you know what he was near perfect but i JUST DIDNT LOVE HIM.

You think how can we have all this the perfect life, but without love, life is far from perfect.

I have since met someone, my other half and im like a different person, we do sit infront of fire with bottle of wine and always laughing and smiling. You will get thru, If you are going to do it, go for it before a 3rd party gets involved, i also stayed put for 8 yrs for sake of kids.

You have been given some great advise on this page from everyone.
Good luck Sam

Sam - thanks for your advice - it is good to know that someone else has been in the same situation and that they got through it and it worked out well.

perrypower - thanks also for your support - I'm not going to rush it and I will talk to my husband once I'm a bit clearer about how I want to do this. I have tried talking to him before - we went to a Relate therapist a long time ago - my h took it very badly and got dreadfully depressed so I thought the best thing to do was just keep going and try and forget about how I really felt. Which is partly why I'm so apprehensive and feeling guilty now. You're also very right that I have to keep this from consuming me - I've felt myself getting very depressed and have had to force myself back from that negative spiral.

I have found all the support in here to be extremely helpful - its good to know that others have been in the same position and that maybe I'm not such a bad person after all. Thanks.

hi darwin, i clicked on your thread out of interest since i also feel guilty and i am in a similar situation to you. i have been married for 10 yrs, with him for 15 yrs and we hae 3 childre, 8, 6 and 3 - how on earth can i possibly find myself in this situation where i simply do not love my husband anymore? it feels strange to write that but i am slowly coming to realise its the truth. i go from wondering if something is wrong with me to feeling strong a like i want to get on with life without him. like you, there is no-one else involved (at least not that i know of!) and my husband buries his head in the sand (or a bottle of wine on a bad day) and thinks we can just carry on as we are.

I feel for you but i am glad you have found some support here on this site, i have only just joined myself and am already finding it a fantastic outlet for getting all my thoughts out. i hope you continue to work out your feelings and can move on

pink xxx