I'm new - What can I expect ?

Hello,

Sorry if this is too complex.....but my head is spinning from this weeks events.

I have been married to my wife for 4 years and 4 months.

We have a little boy who is 18 months old.

Our marriage has been a little rocky to be fair, as we hold seperate interests.

since we had our little boy who was premature, my wife became totally obsessed with him and does not let people other than her parents have access to him. Me included at times.

My son has never seen his cot as she wont let go of him. He spends his nights in our double bed. Because of this, I had to move out because I didnt want to crush the little fella.

I have been in the spare room for over 12 months now...............and not made love to my wife in this time, as she goes to bed with him.

She is also a big drinker. A bottle of wine a day. she has had anxiety and slightly more problems with Neurosis in the past too that has required prescriptive drugs. I think the two do not mix. She is constantly short and abrasive with folks anyway, which I put down to this.

The differing points between us really are our social patterns. My wife, because of her anxiety problems wont drive, so stays in with the baby. She wont let anyone babysit, so going out together is a no no. I'd love it if she did drive, because she could meet other friends / young mothers but instead I get grief, when I go out for my social balance. Even the shopping is considered a night out for me, as obviously I have to drive and she wont come cuz of the baby.

She says I'm useless with the baby, which has some truths because I found it hard. It was alien to me. I was when he was a babe, but now I love it.

However, I do all the groceries, laundry and housework.

We are not suited to be honest.

Anyway, last Sunday a day after I had raised a lot of money for charity (Funny how life kicks you in the teeth), she sat on my bed, congratulated me then asked to split.

What can I expect to happen ???

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Here is our criteria :

Me (Husband) - 36 years old , £24k income with company car
Her (Wife) - 35 years old, £33K income.

House - Est £185 - 200k value with £125k on mortgage

Son - 18 months old

Savings

Me - approx £28k that I have accumulated prior to marriage
Her - Unknown but has a savings plan.

None joint

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Do I now class myself as "Seperated" ?
Should I leave the house if asked to ?
Are my life savings safe or should I move them to my Mum ?
What can I expect ?

My head is spinning. Thanks for any advice.

Hi there

I cannot advise on the financial stuff (others on here can tho)

It sounds like your wife is very depressed and anxious.

Is she asking for it to be over because she does not know what else to do? or what other reasons does she give.

She sounds very insular, I can understand that as many woman who have to worry about ill young babies get very over protective.
Lots of new mums in this position think they are the only ones that can do things "right".

It is concerning if she is drinking a lot and taking medication and then sleeping in a bed with your child.

You say he is 18months old now - does he need to be doing this, has she had input from a local health visitor?

I think from what you say - you need to speak to her, would she go to counselling - it can help even if you decide to seperate.

How do you get on with her parents and do you have other support for you?

I would also be concerned about how much she would let you see your son after a seperation if she does not let you do anything with him.

sorry dont want to make things worse - but you both sound like you need help and support.

take care
Jolly

I cant agree with you more to be honest...................but she seems set in her mind.

I'm thinking something is going on anyway. the old "classic" of mobile phone permanently in her hand, sleeping with it, etc..

Hi again Captain

You may be right - I had same situation with the phone, but if she does not go anywhere and Tesco is considered a night out - would she be in a position to meet someone else?

You sound like you are not happy in the relationship either - so maybe the practicalites to sort out will be the next step, however be careful as a few weeks down the line when things have sunk in more you may have different feelings too.

Make sure you sort out how often etc you will se your son.
take care
Jolly

Hi Captain. Welcolm to the site. Sorry you had to be here. Finacials are a long way off. You have a lot to go thru 1st. But firstly, dont leave the house. I cant reinforce this enough. If you do then you probably not get back in. How come she earns that large wage with a baby? If she drinks that much how come she can hold down a job?

This may not be relevent but there must be a reason that she takes the baby to bed with her. Sleeping with a baby is a no no. Esp if you have been drinking. And also trying to get a baby into a cot after being in the parents bed for so long will be a major drama.

I would wait a bit before doing anything as this may have been the drink talking. If she realy wants you out then try and find out why and work from there. Best ones, C

Heck, this is strange. Your wife's behaviour does not seem normal to me at all, and yet she seems to be holding down a job paying more than you get.

I will try and deal with your queries but no doubt there will be more.

1, It is possible to be separated if you are, in effect, living separate lives under the same roof. This is really a matter of fact and degree. As an aside, your wife might well find it difficult to find grounds to divorce you at the moment.
2. The advice which I would normally give to a man in your situation is that, firstly, you do not have to leave because she asks you to ; second, she could, at least in theory, ask the Court for an order excluding you from the house, hence do not give her anything which she can use against you ; thirdly, you could compromise your position financially if you do leave the house and other things being equal, I don't recommend it. Sometimes however there is no realistic choice.

Normally with a child as young as this the wife/mother
would be awarded day to day care of the child but in this case I'm not so sure, but I stress I am not, I repeat not, an expert in these matters and you probably need more than legal advice.

3. Asking a relative to ' look after ' your assets to reduce your wife's claims would land you in trouble if the Court found out and is not recommended.

4. It is hard to advise on limited information and I don't advise the Divorce Calculator. It is likely that
there would be a nominal order for spousal maintenance,
even though she is the higher earner, in view of the fact that you have a dependent child, but if the issue is raised, then try to limit it until the child reaches 18. Ideally you want to avoid a situation where the wife has the right to live there while the child is still dependent, but this is a possible outcome. A buy-out may be a possibility ; you both have reasonable incomes and you might be able to argue you should keep your capital if you need it to re-house yourself. A sale and division of the proceeds might be another option. The issue of child support and the CSA will depend on how the child is housed and whether you share residence, although your wife looks the type of person who would resist this.

Sorry but I can't advise fully except on full facts. Good luck anyway ; this seems to have the potential for being messy.

Mike

Thaks Mike,

She is an established School Teacher and I am a Sales Rep (Salaried not commision). Hence her good earning power.

As a Teacher she gets around a £1K oay rise per year............So i hope spousal maintenence isnt on ! Obviously our child is different.

I'd argue that I'd need my savings to buy a home again.