What a mess.

Hi.
I wish I never had to join this forum, but there you are, life is just cruel. I had been with my partner for 21 years, married for 8 years.
During those 21 years, I was chief bread winner for 17 years and eventually ended up in over £20,000 of debt for which I took a loan to cover and am still paying it today. A year ago he started an affair and because of this I asked him to leave. He had made life miserable prior to me asking him to go, obviously to force me to take action. No sooner had he left and he moved in with the other woman. Mid 2008 he came back begging forgiveness and asking to try again. Because I am still in love with him I agreed, but at this time because of the financial crisis I suddenly found myself without work. He had a job by this time and I think he suddenly took fright because he knew he would be responsible for looking after me for a change. To cut a long story short, I found out he was still sleeping with the other woman so I ended the reconciliation abruptly. What is the point of carrying on? We had no children together. Anyway at first because I am bitter I told him that I would not divorce him and if he wanted a divorce he could do it, but it is too much of an emotional strain as I cannot move forward. I keep thinking of him as my husband who is sleeping with the slut down the road and I want to rather think of him as my ex and cut him out of my life altogether. He is a bit like a bulldog and keeps popping up every time I think I am recovering.. and giving me false hope.
Anyway - now I know I am out of the picture and he has transferred his love to her but I am never the less unemployed and on benefits and STILL saddled with the massive loan repayments. Other than a few pounds that he gave me while we were back together he has not attempted to find out how I am doing or how bad my financial position is, so I need to apply for maintenance. What are my chances? I can probably survive on my benefits if I never had the debt to repay, but at this time have had to look to my children from a previous marriage to keep me from going under.
I am raw and sore and living in false hope that he is about to swoop down on his white horse and sweep me back into his arms and take care of me.
I am not looking for retribution. But I think he owes me for providing a very good life for him for all those years and for putting up with immense and continuous emotional abuse (with the odd physical abuse thrown in) - would I stand a chance in hell of getting maintenance? Say until one day if I should marry again? (God forbid).
I also want to sue the woman for Alienation of Affection. If she had not hung on by her front teeth, I know we would have been back together now. How would I go about that?
Is there anyone who can advise me? I would be most grateful for advice and perhaps a hug! I feel completely isolated and alone.

More expert people can advise you on the way in which your financial settlement could go.

On the emotional side - let go. Stop tormenting yourself thinking about your ex and his new gf or getting revenge on her. I think it would just be an appalling waste of money to pursue her - and you can't prove that she alienated your husband's affections. I think if a man is willing to have an affair there is something wrong with his marriage anyway. The affair is a symptom, rather than a cause.

Why give either your ex or his new woman room in your head? Fill it with planning a more positive future.

Hi Shuiiz

You are not alone! There are unfortunately lots of us on this site with similar experiences!

I am no expert on the legal stuff, but there are others on here who are and can help you.

I would say on the emotional side to try and get thoughts of revenge out of your head. When I found out about my wifes affair I was very bitter but as time went on I realised that all I was looking back to the past and an imperfect marriage. I have found it is better to look forward and leave the negative thoughts in the past where they belong. I know this is not always easy to do, but it is really worth trying and is the best way of rebuilding your life!

Take care

Steve

Wow u wished you had never joined this forum! You feel isolated and alone!

You appear raw and angry and \i would like to hug you but you scare me.

Elle

I thank you all for writing.

I had to smile at the comment that I scare you. I scare myself too. I never ever in my life time expected to feel this vulnerable or dejected.

This is the reason I need to find a smooth method of divorcing my husband. It is the only way I can move forward and let go.

I am sure there were cracks in our marriage. But before now we were always able to work on them until the third person arrived. He forgot to mention to her that he was married when they started out. Show me a good marriage where there are never ever any cracks, and if the two people love each other enough they would work on them. I thought we had that. Of course I was wrong. It has been proved now.

I just really need to know whether I can afford to divorce him and whether I can apply for maintenance for myself due to my financial distress.

Again, I appreciate your comments.

I am sorry at the breakdown of your relationship. I am sending you a BIG HUG and some advice. It's not professional tho !

First don't act rashly, take some time to think about what you are going to do.
Visit the Citizens Advice Bureau and get financial advice. Do you own your house together ?
Tell the CAB everything and take their advice without getting emotional.
I know you are hurting but you need to be cool calm and collected.
Do not telephone, contact him or give him any information via text or email.
It will work out in the end, maybe you are bruised and battered emotionally now but you need to know this person is a toxic influence and getting back together will be a pause before the next affair.

I know as my hubby of 38 years is a serial adulterer and I forgave him time and time again for the sake of the kids but he is 63 and now having an affair with a 35 year old who is married and I think he is giving her money too, so I am also on an emotional roller coaster and I am going to try and do an Ivana Trump and not get mad but get it all. LOL
Good luck and keep us posted

ceebee2

Thank you Cee-Bee. Actually I think you are also in need of a hug or two. One for putting up with him and two for sticking it out. I just hope for your sake that holding on to him knowing the circumstances doesn't break you in the end as this has done me.

I also knew that my husband was unfaithful time and time again, but I closed my eyes to it because I knew he always came home. I used to think he had a built in homing device.

With this last one he started staying out over night and then I cracked and threw him out thinking it would open his eyes! He did return a week later but I was feeling strong then and wouldn't let him back. Then 2 months later he asked me again and I thought about it, but was still feeling betrayed and said it probably would not be a good idea as how could I trust him? But when he came back a third time I thought right.. on condition we talked it through and then if I knew all the why's and wherefore's we can start anew. And we did communicate - but I kept questioning him, "are you sure this is what you want".. with tears in his eyes he swore it was me and always had been me that he needed. So when after three months I was warned by some stranger about what was going on I phoned the woman and she confirmed it and I sent him a text ending it again. He actually sent me a text back saying "you have been given the wrong information and you are over reacting". I wrote back that I had it directly from the horse's mouth! I was devastated because I had really fallen for his pleas and stories and had believed every word uttered. Then just before New Year he called again also telling me it is just me and always has been me.. this time I turned off my phone and he left voice messages. The next day he sent a text to say "it was inevitable" but he was back with her.

It is all these mind games that have finally destroyed me. Combined with being unemployed at the same time I have too much time to think. I try to keep busy and scrub and clean and tear my hands to a shred to stop me dwelling on the "what if's".

I will contact Citizen's advice. Good advice. Thank you. I never thought about them previously.

Like you, I have always been determined to make the marriage work.. and while he has affairs but still comes home - accept that he is trying to hold onto his youth.. 62 is not old, but it is when one must have serious doubts about your looks, stamina etc.. and they need the ego boost.

I know this sorrow will pass. I am just licking my wounds and trying to figure out what now! I lost 6 babies and 3 sisters and know only too well how heartache eases and life continues never-the-less.

I am also not young anymore, so have to direct my life in a different direction.. start painting, doing volunteer work etc... something to keep me busy. I am certainly past the stage where I can look towards another relationship. Bluntly, I am past my sell by date - but don't want to sit in the fridge and rot!

Take care and my best wishes to you at this time.