Womanising ex with no conscience

I've decided to pull my finger out and talk to people in a similar boat - i.e. divorcing. Only in a way, I feel like I'm in a somewhat weird situation. I was utterly devoted to my husband; I thought he was amazing. And then it seemed like he was having some sort of out of the blue mid life crisis, complete with young blonde last year. He assured me that he'd never been unfaithful before etc etc but that he wasn't going to stop seeing her. I was devastated - our youngest child was barely one and our oldest was only three - and this was the love of my life....but he kept on seeing her and I kept on hurting. And then after five months he suddenly said he wasn't going to sleep with her any more. To cut a very long story short, he lied about that as well. When I finally confronted him and said her or me - he chose me - I was even slightly disappointed at the time because I knew that I could never trust him again. Even so, I was pretty surprised to discover three weeks later that he'd picked up a 24 year old at work (he's 42).

And of course, in case you haven't already guessed, it eventually transpired that this wasn't the first time either - by far - and that he'd never been faithful to me.

I could perhaps begin to understand it if I were a mad old bag but, according to one of my friends 22 year old son, I'm "hot" (oh yes, I did very much enjoy hearing that and I've never been short of friends, male or female, so I presume that I'm not unattractive as a person.

I've come to the reluctant conclusion that, as he's done this before...and has two other children by two other women, that in fact, his initial story of regret for his past actions and committment to monogamy when I first met him was just that - a story. He appears to have no sense of remorse whatsoever and no insight at all into what he might have done to me. Indeed, when my weight got down to seven and half stone, rather than being concerned, he was congratulating me on looking so "fit". Bizarre. It took me a long time to come to terms with this, but he's a psychopath - in the clinical sense that he feels little or no guilt for the effect of his actions on others. I did put this to him quite mildly once and was horrified when he agreed.

So there you go, I married a psychopath. He's not sadistic per se. He doesn't cut up small animals - or people (not literally anyway). He just does what he wants, when he wants and doesn't care about the consequences to others - and I'm just one of the consequences - as are our young children.

It does make the whole post separation stuff difficult though. I want to be civilised. I don't care who he sleeps with now, I'm just glad it's not my life he's screwing up. But it's quite hard to be civilised and arrange regular contact for the kids etc when I know that he's not like me and other people around me. I can't appeal to his better side, because I really don't believe he has one. He's paying maintenance at the moment (although he halved what he said he would pay), but how long will he do that for? I now know that he didn't pay for his other kids so why should these ones be different?

I don't know if this seems like an incoherent, bitter rant, but I am fairly lucid and sane - most of the time. I'd really appreciate talking to people in similar situations, even if you have slightly more human/e exs

I always said to my ex that the one thing I never wanted to be was a single parent - and now I am - and that's a shock and a half, so any thoughts on that subject would be much appreciated too

Hi herasdaughter

Don't worry, your post didn't come across as bitter and incoherant - at least not to me!

It is so hard coming to terms with the person you marry not being the person you thought they were - with all your hopes and dreams seemingly over.

I wanted in particular to comment on your last thought: that you never wanted to be a single mum. I completely relate to that! I knew it would be really really hard - and I also think that ideally children should have two parents to bring them up. However, in this slightly less than ideal world I have found that whilst it is hard work - I can do it. Even on the days that I think I can't!

Hang in there - you will find as you slowly heal from the distress of your situation that you are actually better off on your own with your beautiful children, than with a partner who cannot (or does not) support you in the way you deserve.

Take all offers of babysitting - make sure you socialise with friends as much as possible. And you have found a great site here with many many people who understand some of what you are going through.

Good luck
x

Hi ,
don't think that you are the bad one my Ex slept with lots of women and denied it . what make me sick ,when I found out he slept with his own cousin .I didn't expect to be single , but being a single parents is the best thing and that we don't have to stress about who he sleep with. And we have more time to spent with the children and to know ourself. I don't regret for one moment I think that the best thing that ever happen to me since I left my family home to marry a donkey. take care.

Aw, thank you both. I think you both make very valid points. Getting someone like that out of your life *does* give you more time (and head space) for your kids and to know yourself. And the latter is definitely a bit scary for me, because I'm terrified of being single - but on the other hand, perhaps that makes it an interesting challenge...

And I loved what Jacsmum said about being a single parent - I'm slowly learning too that I can do it - and even on the days when I think I can't...

My Perfect Husband was so Perfect that he probably did more child care than I. We were both working, he was self employed and I was also studying. He'd had two older children so when we had our first, I thought he knew what to do, not realising how little time he'd spent with his other kids. Our first child was a very difficult baby and I was quite overwhelmed, so he took over and I never found my confidence as a parent. With hindsight, I think it made him feel good about himself, that he could do everything and I was so "useless". He never said that I was out loud, but again, with hindsight, clearly that's what he thought.

So I do take quite a lot of pleasure in the fact that since I chucked him out, I've got more and more confidence as a mum and I'm closer and closer to my kids. Everyone around me has noticed it - except him, of course. The other day he said that I was "hardly a competent parent" - and I just thought that it showed how little he knew me any more, whereas in the past, I would have taken it to heart.

Yep, ditching him was the best thing that I ever did for my parenting skills, and that's a very signficant consolation to me, I have to say )

There's a saying "if one woman isn't enough, then fifty ain't too many".

Your husband appears to be a serial womaniser. Whether or not he is a psychopath, you will find on this site there are plenty of women whose husbands put their own pleasure above their wives, children etc. Not sure if its psychopathic, but its certainly blinking selfish!

Psychopaths/selfish men often appear charming and women fall for thinking they are perfect/near perfect. You get sucked into believing their own publicity. They think they are fab so you think they are fab.

Now I've been separated from my husband for 7 months I see all too clearly that he has feet of clay. I never thought he was perfect, but I am staggered at how selfish, pathetic and cowardly he is.

You will be fine - being alone seems scary, but then I was alone quite often in my marriage. Nothing lonelier than being in a room with your "other half" and finding yourself divided from him by a wall of coldness. I am actually enjoying my own company and I am sure you will too.

Thanks Noregrets (Love the name, too!),

I've never heard of that saying, but boy, isn't that the truth!

There are, as you say, a lot of men who behave in this way...but then some authorities on psychopathy think that there are a lot . of psychopaths out there. One of the leading experts in the field estimates that 1 in 25 Americans fulfil the criteria for psychopathy. That's an awful lot of womanising men - or indeed manising women (interesting though, that there isn't a female equivilant for the term, don't you think?).

There are of course, clinical criteria for psychopathy, but the key point, as far as I concerned, is lack of empathy and guilt. Some people are unfaithful and they feel bad about it; others appear to feel nothing - or fake remorse occasionally, but then it disappears. It's the latter group that I'm talking about.

I couldn't agree more about the correlation between psychopathy and charm. I *know* this and I was *so* suspicious of my husband when I first met him - how could anyone be so perfect, I thought....but he's really really good and very convincing. I'd feel like a complete idiot were it not for the fact that I think I was merely guilty of assuming that he had the same human feelings as I do, whereas I really don't think that he does now. As I said, I said to him once that I thought some of his behaviours were somewhat psychopathic - to which he replied calmly, "yes, it worries me sometimes that other people's emotions don't seem to impinge on my behaviour."
unquote.

Oh, I guess I should 'fess up; I'm a psychologist so a) I've done my research and b) I feel *really* stupid not realising... but we're all human, I suppose.

I so know what you mean about feet of clay. Oh my god! The man I put on a pedestal is a selfish, unstable wa(ooh, am I allowed to say that here?) just fill in the rest for yourself. And this isn't just my opinion, he has, ooh, let me see, no friends whatsoever. I was quite impressed that when I left his friends on facebook and he'd kicked the woman he had previously been having an affair with off, that left...his sister. It transpires that everyone around us hates him and has done so for years. They just didn't like to say anything because they liked me.

yes, "staggered" is a great word to describe my astonishment, too.

And I am beginning to realise that the last seven years of my life have been shit for a reason...and I rather suspect that reason is that I wasn't with a very nice person and however much he pretended to be perfect so that I and everyone else would think he was a Nice Guy, I think his weirdness did slip through. I knew I wasn't happy but I couldn't work out why, because on the face of it I had everything I wanted in life; a good partner, a good job, great kids....now I'm skint and single, but the kids are even better and I don't have to deal with the emotional fall out of living with an emotional retard. It's got to be some sort of improvement

Thanks for giving me the excuse to rant...I've been unreasonably reasonable with him and there's an awful lot of things that I haven't said and I forbear from saying because of the kids, but it feels a lot better to say some of them

This site is a great place to sound off and we all need to now and then! It helps that readers on here know where you are coming from, whereas friends and family can't always understand.

I am realising how unhappy I've been in my marriage. I knew I was unhappy but not how much. I've had to learn to forgive myself for putting up with it for so long.

NoRegrets was chosen as a name to remind me to look forwards, not back and to not waste time over things I can't change.