Hi, I am new . xxx

Thank you, Amanda. I appreciate your answer. My husband has been having an affair for 4 years though , following redundancy and mid-life crisis! We did go to Relate for 4 months in 2005 and afterwards I found out that he had still been seeing HER during that period. We have also both had counselling separately. The first time he left me - for a week - was in November 2006, 17 months after I thought the affair was over! I was devastated!

He has actually left 6 times; well, I threw him out the last twice. He has lived with HER, a 3-times divorced Life Coach, for 2 periods of 4 months and a period of 6 months! When he left in December 2007 he bought HER an engagement ring for £22,000, although the one she actually wanted was £50,000!!! No, we are NOT millionaires! Obviously I didn't know this when I took him back after 6 months last June.

Am I just a 'safe haven' or could he still love me?! DO men REALLY have mid-life crises and do very stupid things? Our children, 22 and 19, don't want him back.

With thanks,
Janine xxx

Hi janine

I know what i would do. I would take him back, make him feel you have forgiven him fully, use him for everything you can and get yourself an affair underway. Try illicitencounters.com.uk. That site is for married people who want an affair. It is free for women to join but expensive for men. Therefore, it is realistically only men who are financially secure who join the site.

Make sure your partner knows all about your affair eventually in explicit detail.

See how he feels!

JO X

Hi Janine

I think the questions you need to answer are 'do you love him?'

If you took him back again, would you ever really trust him?

Do you deserve to be treated better?

There are loads more you could ask yourself.

From what you say, in my opinion, I doubt he will ever change. I think you are his safe house as you say, and as long as he knows he can bolt back to you when things are not going right with his other woman, he will continue to do it.

Have a total break from him, do not have any contact with him and see how you feel in a few weeks. If you do not miss him & all the crap that comes with him, and you feel you are moving on, there is your answer.

It is a horrible time for you, but as has been said many times you will get through it, I think you need to break free from him once and for all before you can see your way ahead.
Be strong, and don't let him walk all over you.

Bevs

Thank you JoannaA and Bevs. Not sure about me having an affair though - just not my 'thing'.

I do still have feelings for him - goodness knows why! - but the lack of trust and respect really bothers me.

Be honest, please. Do YOU still I am being 'used' by him? My children and friends do and I can't discuss this with my lovely sister as she HATES him since all this! I do understand that too.

Janine xxx

Hi

If you are going to be content with a dysfunctional marriage, and quite possibly be just a'safe house' time and time again for him, which is all he sees you as, then you must try.

Why do you want him back?

He probably knows that you will open the door, anytime for him, he can go off to play, and then, when he is fed up, can pop back home for a recharge until his next affair.

I think you need to build up your self esteem, say goodbye to him for good and get on with your life. He obviously does not respect you, at all!

Carry on with your counselling, you need to be looking towards your future. He has treated you, and will treat you, no better than a doormat.

If you feel you want to try again, then that is something for you to decide, but I fear that you might be back here on the boards in the future!

Building up the trust, I cannot imagine how you would begin to do that. You would not believe anything he said, you might think that you would, and try your best, but I dont think you will ever trust him enough to make another go of this marriage.

If you were totally 100% sure that you could do this, you would have done it, I dont think you would have needed to place a post on a forum asking for other's advice.

I think deep down you know what you need to do, but are finding it hard to accept.

You are worth much more than just being a 'whistle stop' for a man that quite obviously cannot help himself.

zara

Thank you, Zara. I am sure you are right.

What should I do now? What would you do?

Janine xxx

Hi janine

I think you posted here as a call for help, help to guide you as to do exactly what you have asked, 'What should I do next'

You will need to go to counselling, to try and help you disconnect yourself from wanting a man back that is clearly going to cheat on you again. You have been stuck in a place of uncertainty. You said that your family dislike him and I can see why.

If I were you, I would tell him NO I do not want you back, I have had enough and I am going to make a life for me, on my own, you are not going to be part of it anymore.

Book some session, you will need them, waiting around for this man to 'show some respect and love' has clouded your views of exactly who you are and what you should expect from a marriage.

If after all this time he shows no remorse for his actions, sorry, he never will. His piece of elastic has been stretch time and time again, he will not want to be tied to anyone.

Take time, think, get advice from professionals, work out what YOU want to do, where you want to be and what you now want out of life. You will manage without him, very well. Once you have started the healing process and have a clearer view on what you want, it will all fall into place.

If you do not respect yourself, why do you think he is going to respect you. It is probably not want you wanted to hear, but many on here will tell you the same. It will not work.

Have a look at other posts on this site, take time to read how other people have come through and made decisions that they never thought they would.

Give your loyalty and love to someone who does really deserve it. First book some counselling sessions. It will give you guidance as to YOUR wants and needs.

You used a couple of angry faces in your posts, which tells me that your anger would not subside if he did come back, you would not be able to forget what has happened and definitely not forgive.

Time to plan your own future, enjoy your own life without having to worry about him, and his latest flame.

Wiki will give you good support and guidance too.

zara