totally lost

thanks everyone.

i cant help but think about her and cant help thinking "is she thinking of me too?". i get stupid thoughts that if i''d contact her she might come round a bit. i dont see us getting back together in my rational mind based on what she said. i only know snippets of her "new life" but what i do know, it doesnt seem all that different or new to what she had before, except im not in it at all.

i want to suggest counselling again now we''ve had some time apart to see if she is more receptive or not (i.e. if shes come round enough to consider it or is still totally adamant our marriage is dead).

i think doing this would clarify in my mind how to proceed rather than this limbo i feel trapped in. just not sure of how to go about it, plus im still scared to contact her - i can only think this is because her rejecting counselling and by extention me again, whilst it may end the limbo, it will make the separation more real (as if it isnt real enough already!)

i know i need to look out for myself. i am doing, im keeping busy, eating ok and trying to prepare for the future. thing is im still in love with my wife and am still prepared to do anything to make it work. whether she has even considered this i doubt very much. i know my thoughts arent rational, but i still cant help myself!

re the money - i can cover the mortgage payments, but i dont see why i should. after all she can more than afford her half (as she has no bills as she is still living with her family as far as i know) and she will expect an equal half the equity when the house is sold, so why should i subsidise the whole thing and then just hand her half. if the house takes time to sell, this could be hundreds going to thousands of pounds i''ll end up covering. if she doesnt pay, itll cost me more to go to a small claims court to get it back so im not getting sucked into that. whether she knows that or not i dont know. i do have a tendancy to prepare for the worst...

id rather speak to her about the money face to face. i dont know if shes deliberately not paying so that ill contact her about selling?

i know i need to look out for myself. i am doing, im keeping busy, eating ok and trying to prepare for the future. thing is im still in love with my wife and am still prepared to do anything to make it work. whether she has even considered this i doubt very much. i know my thoughts arent rational, but i still cant help myself

I can completely relate to this. I am in exactly the same boat. At the end of the day as much as its not good for us we still love them. Thats what makes this so difficult - the emotion. Rationally you can tell yourself the relationship wasn''t good for you and you are better off without them and a new life. But its the emotion that makes that so hard. No matter what logic says your heart wants them.

I am trying to take it one step at a time and hope we can find a better tomorrow if we have the courage to keep on going.

I think the hardest thing to ever do is to letting go of someone you love.

I honestly believe in the statement.

"if you love them, let them go, if they love you they will come back"

Sadly often they dont love back and you have to let go.

It is VERY hard. We know exactly where you are coming from.

I know deep down that my hubby is a good, decent man. Everyone seems to get on well with him and even now I get asked how he is by people that we work with (work for the same organisation but different departments).

If you are able to seperate the emotional from the logical then great - today I am on a logical day (but have been a mess since Monday).

Perhaps you should consider noting down certain things ie non-payment of her share of mortgage as she is jointly liable - perhaps this could be taken into consideration when the time comes to split equity? Have you considered legal advice?

Hang in there and try to take each day at a time - baby steps.

thanks guys. mathsisfun - i know the saying if you love them let them go - im having a rational evening, so that is almost making its way into my brain (if i dont laugh id cry)

baby steps indeed kazza and taff

Re money: i have spoken to an advice line i get through work. they have suggested exactly what you have kazza, as well as trying to amicably sort finances in the first instance. sols at £150+VAT or more per hour will cost an arm and leg so wouldnt make small claims worth fighting over.

an excellent piece of advice ive recieved is this - when prinicples get involved the only person who wins are the solicitors (apologies to any sols reading this )

getting acrimonious costs a lot of money as im sure other wikis can testify to. ive no reason to not assume we''re amicable still, but if i dont contact her until next week, that''ll b four weeks and i dont know how she''ll react. shes usually reasonable...

Mate, like others have said.

It doesnt matter how she will react, its tough titty.
If you need to raise an issue raise it.

If it makes her mad Its nowhere near as bad as shes made you feel

Set your boundaries now mate and dont let her cross them.

Good luck

The best of luck to you mag. Take it on the chin and pick yourself up. If your ex. no longer loves you it is out of your control now.

Be thankful that you have no children to worry about. For many dads on the forums that is when the real nightmare begins if their ex. decides to limit or deny contact.