totally lost

Hi

Your description of events virtually mirror mine back 16 months ago, she was 28.

Im not in love you anymore
Mobile glued to her hip, with a password
Nobody else
No younger model

There was one truth, he wasnt younger, he was older!

Prepare yourself for a tough ride, and the no contact thing is rock hard to do but the best thing you will EVER do, trust me.

Once the greener grass has gone you will be in a better place to judge her actions.

Keep posting, eating, improving yourself, keep fit, look damn good - self improvement!

You wont find answers from her, so best all round if you dont go looking for them.

thanks taff and donkler.

from what i have heard, i dont think shes off partying and all that, that may yet come. im still of the opinion that she hasnt been seeing someone else, however i have taken on board everyones advice and am steeling myself for the revelation in case. obviously, she may meet someone since shes left too, but from what i know, again i dont think she''s looking (she said she wanted to be on her own for a bit - how long a bit is i dont know and i know everyone will say is she being truthful but im still inclined to believe it - i believe in waiting for actual evidence)

i still haven''t seen/spoke to her, despite having a bad day yesterday and wanting to. i went and spoke with a friend from work and she asked me what i wanted to say to her. when i thought about it i didnt even know. i suppose i just wanted normal conversation etc as i miss her, but i realise that the current situation isnt normal so that cant happen.

i''ve no intention of begging. Having thought about it, for a number of years i bent over backwards for her and if this is how she wants it when i took some time for myself then theres nothing i can do, i dont see that i should beg, after all its not very attractive

obviously i still love her and wish for a reconciliation. if im right and she hasnt cheated then i know only time will potentially help that to come to fruition, but im not holding out any hope, after all if she did care for me she would have been in touch by now.

last time i saw her, she asked me to contact her when i had finished the jobs on the house, so we could discuss selling it. i dont know whether that could be the start of something or not, but as i said, she hasnt been in touch with me. it almost feels like brinkmanship - whether she''ll get in touch to see if im done before i contact her. plus i havent quite finished the stuff round the house - i hope to by the end of the month - i dont know whether to tell her that or just wait to tell her when its done. if i did she would likely not respond anyway so it would be kind of a wasted text. however part of me thinks that if i say that to her and deliver what i say, it could make her think better of me?

the other side to it is when to contact her regarding a Separation Agreement for the financial side of things. i know that i should do this sooner rather than later. i dont want to push her along the D route but i know i need to raise this, for both our sakes.

SOOO, when should i get in touch with her?! i know the advice is not to get in touch, but i assume thats in regards begging and or mundane stuff as opposed to practicalities of the separation?

ps donkler - as youve said in particular i can wait for the greener grass to go, but im not putting my life on hold. i know that shes in limbo at the moment as shes with family, so her greener grass hasnt really arrived yet; that''ll come in her mind once she has her own place and space. if there is to be anything different it''ll be a long time coming and who knows what the future holds...

The key thing here mate, is similar to me you have NO KIDS, so there isnt any great reason to make contact.

If I had my time again, I''d just let her go.

If you go begging like you said yourself its a bit unattractive, so the best thing you can do is let her go off on one, and work on yourself - look as to why things have fallen apart from your prospective and make damn sure it doesnt happen again - If you dont learn from YOUR mistakes history tends to repeat itself.

You mentioned you would bend over backwards for her.....did this cause issues?? It did for me, I learnt I was a doormat and codependant "nice guy", she would have me jumping through hoops of fire, I thought the more I gave the more she would love me..BIG MISTAKE it just caused resentment....but thats changing because im working on myself.

You can contact her when it suits you mate, you need to do whats right for you, nobody else.

If you want to take a holiday, take a holiday, If you want to climb Everest, climb it, if you feel its time to sort finances out sort finances out....your call, your timescale.

You need to weigh up Limbo land too. Worst place to be is in Limbo the weight and stress is tremendous.

thanks donkler,

major problem was my hobbies became excessivley time consuming so that was an easy lesson learnt right there.

ironically i cant seem to fill my time anymore as i cant now do that hobby, it makes me feel sick to think about it and how it contributed to the destruction of my marriage

for years i bent over backwards - at least thats how it felt. people have said i put her on a pedestal. i took up my hobby 4 years ago (out of a twelve year relationship in total) it became a big part of my time and she saw it as excessive - yet never said anything.

well the partying started for her last night (a fb pic in my newsfeed shows it) and i had the wave for fear swept over me, is she out on the pull, is she with someone else blah blah blah... why oh why are my waking moments filled with thoughts of her - i doubt she''ll be thinking of me. i could just crawl into a hole and cry myself to death. how sad. i cant bear the thought of her with anyone else. harder still i cant imagine myself with anyone than my OH even though shes told me she sees no future with me.

part of me STILL thinks this is some sort of mid life crisis thing. shes out with single/separated friends, seen how much fun theyre having, and thought i want that too, so yeah ill leave my long term relationship. i know this is stupid thinking as she said its because she doesnt love me. my god why is this so hard

Hi Mag

Yes your right this is hard, theres no getting away from it but listening to others stories here gives me hope it can and will get better.

For me letting go was the hardest thing I have ever done but the best thing. But by doing this and moving out of limbo land my husband has now realised what an idiot he has been.

One certainty in all this, you need to survive and find a better place with or without them. You need to find the best path for you - it`s your journey. Have you got support from family and friends? Talking things through helped me make sense in all the insanity.Counselling has also been amazing and helped me find what I needed to rebuild.

Keep posting and sharing - for me its been a lifeline. Hang on in there.

Have you thought about quitting Facebook, for the short medium term?? I quit well over a year ago and have no intentions to go back on......If you decide to deactivate you can download all of your content incuding photos for the future.

Facebook will only cause pain you have recently witnessed.

We seem fairly similar in experience here, I put my Mrs on a pedestal, and bent over backwards etc..etc...

Hows the no contact going?? Remember this is the only way to heal.

If you have kept it up you have done amazing, and remember if/when there is contact.....beleive nothing of what she tells you and less than 50% of what you see.

My Mrs came around the other Saturday night to seduce me, and to take a nose around the house and to see who I am dating and thats 16 months on from D-day. She told me loads of stuff about her and her life - alot, if not all totally untrue.

Continue working on yourself.

My moment of realisation was when somebody asked me if her idea of marraige was

1) The Bills are Paid
2) I Kiss her ass
3) She does what ever she wants

Google "Dr Glover no more Mr Nice Guy" - see if any of this applies to you, I have a copy on PDF and can send you it or post a link I think.