How long would you wait for partners divorce?

Jenna29 wrote:

So I spoke to him about his divorce and plans for the future and he says he can''t afford to keep calling his solicitor to chase things up as it costs £50 each time. He said he is considering moving into work accomodation (free) and giving up his (rented) house which will save him hundreds of pounds each month to use to pay off his debts. I said that if he pursues the divorce his wife will be ordered to pay some of the debts (they are joint) but he isn''t going to do that. He says he wants to be able to provide financially when we move in together, which he is planning to be around July 2014, when our daughter together will be over 2 years old.

Hate to say it, but it seems like a fobbing off answer

Basically he wants you to continue to wait, while he takes no/minimal action.

If they both want to Divorce - it can be done cheaper without involving the Sols (many people self rep - as you''ve read here) - it sounds like he''s making excuses.

As Elphie says - How do you feel?
WR

I don''t know how I feel to be honest. If I look at things long-term then clearing his debt is practical and another couple of years of living seperately won''t matter when we''re seventy. However if I consider the short-term then that leaves me as a single mum for another couple of years and we''ll have been together for almost 5 years by the time we move in together. I would just like a normal family home for our children. Our baby already won''t settle with him and she''s only 4 months, not living with him until she''s over 2 years old could cause problems with their relationship. Despite his debt plans, he still has no plans to hurry along the divorce or self-rep to make it cheaper/quicker. He wants to live in the work accomodation on his days at work and stay with me on the other days but that puts any routine for the kids out of the window and leaves me financially responsible for the kids all the time and for him on his days off.

He''s given you the answer. He isn''t prepared to push the divorce to reduce the debt (it''s joint as you point out) so indirectly you are affected financially and emotionally. He is proactively choosing not to contribute to your household rather than make his wife actually pay her share of their joint debts. It''s unacceptable and a very big red flag for the future.

He has told you time and time again Jenna. He is not prepared to divorce his wife. This is not about money or anything else. I think this is really about when you are ready to face it and accept it. Another two years of limbo land for you with no real evidence apart from his word that things will change then.

He has shown on many occasions that he puts his needs above yours. Ask yourself if roles were reversed what would you do? I''m guessing you would do things differently. Then if that''s the case why are you prepared to accept less than you and more importantly your children deserve?

If you end this relationship, then perhaps he might just get off his butt and sort matters. If not, well then at least you are not wasting even more time on a person who does not seem to take his responsibilities very seriously.

Well, personally, if he told me he wanted to sort out his debts, so that he could move in with me in two years time and take on financial responsibility for his family then.....well, I would tell him "fine, that''s ok. Give me a call in two years time, I might still be single, although even if I am single i doubt I''d be willing too give you a second chance. In the meantime, I''m giving the csa a call."

Like pps have said, he has fobbed you off. What is more, he is so manipulative he has conviinced you is plan is practical! What is practical would be for him to divorce and halve his debts, then to move in with you and contribute to his new family''s upkeep (and reducing his own bills, as he would be sharing with you) while paying off his remaining debt. And also, giving you practical and emotional support which bringing up a baby involves.

And would it be possible for you and your family to move into works accomodation as well - if perhaps tied property, thus saving money for everyone? Seems like you keep paying through nose to support yourself and his children as if you are indeed a single parent and he is saving money ...........

Ho hum Jenna, hiding to nothing with this man. He isnt going to change and you need to decide if you want to spend the next X years of your life being messed about and living with half promises that wont be kept.

We cannot move into his work accomodation and he cannot move in with me, now or in the future, as it''s too far from his work. He doesn''t ''refuse'' to get divorced, he is just unconfrontational to the extreme.

The thing is, Jenna, his being unconfrontational with his ex relies on you putting up with his not committing properly to you indefinitely, and he knows you''re not happy about that. So while he is not being directly confrontational with you, he is sacrificing your piece of mind to his own, and, to an extent, to his ex''s.

The more I think about it, the more I think this just isn''t fair on you. You need his financial help to support his child, but you don''t get it, because he is taking on all the debts from his marriage. You need his practical and emotional help as a mother and also as a student, and you don''t get it, because he is taking the easy route and not sorting his life out.

You have made things a bit harder for him by refusing to move in with him, and you are right to do that. But the truth is that not living with you, not living with your child, and not even seeing his other child are not bad enough for him to get out of his comfort zone and confront his ex. What does that say about him and his love for and commitment to any of you?

I know you love him, but I think you really need to get out of this relationship. I don''t think you will ever really be able to rely on him, for any of the things you need. You are a strong woman and you and your children will be fine without him. With him, you are constantly making sacrifices for his benefit, but he never makes any for you.

Best wishes,
Sadie