Help - what do I say?

Please help Wiki's. I have just come from having a big chat with my 10 year old son. He has been saying for a while now, that he hates me, hates himself, wishes he were dead, hares his life etc... All of which has been very worrying. I have tried talking to him, alone on a one to one, taking him out alone for some son and mummy time, (I have 2 youngers children too). It all came out tonight in bed, we were chatting quite happily and then when it came to saying goodnight, he turned really cold again and wouldn't hugh and kiss me. He then started shouting that he hated me and to get out of his room. I wouldn't have minded but we had been chatting very happily moment before. His behaviur has been erratic for a while now, some of which I put down to hormones, and other stuff due to the situation. It has got to the point where I am considering councelling.
However tonight I said I wouldn't leave his room until he told me why he was so angry. He got upset and said if he told me why, would I tell him why I and his dad split up. I said I would to the best of my ability. He said he hates me because he blames me for daddy not being at home and that he thinks it was me who made his dad leave.

Brief history ( his dad had affair, twice, last one spanning 6months. I got told via woman Dec 09, 1 week before Xmas. Kept it quiet from all over xmas and New Year so as to not ruin it for anyone and also so the children don't remember xmas as a bad time. Agreed for stbx to move out in Jan. Contact with the children ahs remained regular and consistent throughout. Children were told (stbx and I agreed this between us and told them together) that daddy had done something to upset mummy and that daddy would be living somewhere else. In hindsight this was probably not the best thing to say to them as ever since from my eldest two they want to know what 'it' was). But it the turmoil of discovery etc, things aren't always thought through well. stbx also wanted this said as he didn't want the children to blame mummy). The reverse is happennin.
Middle child, full of anger and agression 2010 for 4 months, sought councelling via the school and praentline keyworker, dealt with anger and he seems ok.

Eldest has always bottled things up, which deeply concerns me. He said that he was so angry when we went on holiday this year ( I took them away alone but had terrible time with eldest). He said that he felt angry that daddy wasn't there. He said he hates me and is angry at me, because daddy is not here and just wants things to be normal.
He has kept asking me tonight, why we split up. I explained that mummy and daddy didm't love each otjer any more, but still loved him and the other two with all of our hearts. Being 10 he wasn't satisfied and kept saying but why mummy did you stop loving each other, you made daddy go. To this I replied that I didn't make daddy go, but mummy and daddy couldn't live together any more. He knows there is more to it. I explained that mummy had a broken heart and it couldn't be repaired, why he said why?

Help what do I say. He is now angry at me for sharing his feelings and he feels that I haven't told him the truth. I explained that I have tried my best to explain to him in 10 year old language...

He is one very angry, mixed up little boy, who some 18 months later is clearly traumatised.

I cannot discuss any of this with stbx. Tried that when middle one was having problems and he just said "well they're fine when they are with me". He will not accept that this could affect the children.

Please help as I am so upset by this and just want to help my son, who I love so dearly.
What should I say to him as he is clearly not happy with my explanation and thinks there is more?

Survive
x

Can you not tell him that dad had a girlfriend and that is why you split up.

Is dad not with anyone now?

the gf he is with isn't the one he had the affir with. The affair was with one of the mums at the school!!!

I have bee advised that it wou'dn't be right/correct to tell the children the real reason as this may damage their image/relationship with their dad. So I haven't and don't bad mouth him. But when your son is hating you and blaming you??? I also don't want to give my son any extra stress as he has an important exam coming up.

Survive
x

Hi

I am going through a traumatic time as my stbx is trying to get custody of our boys to get back at me for finally having the balls to say enough is enough.

I will say that for the majority of the time the truth is the best policy, obviously explained age appropirate. At the end of the day if daddy was big enough to go off sleeping with other women then he has to accept responsibilty. I don't for one moment mean to it explain it like this to your son, but surely it is better your son trusts what people tell him to be the truth as opposed to being scared by future relationships, which is doubtful, he is not the first nor the last man to commit adultry.

Summary, I believe in most cases honesty is the best policy. You don't have to bad mouth your ex but the truth is the truth. And, more importantly, constant reassurance that you know your son is angry but no matter what happens a mummy always loves her children. I suppose a child may imagine mum/dad to stop loving them if they are capable of stopping loving there husband/wife?

All the best

Louise X

survive

I'm sorry, but the truth will out. You should tell them the (bubble wrap) truth. Tell you ex you are going to do this - give him the chance to tell it first if you wish but your kids need the truth.

GMS

Well whatever you were advised your son is not dealing with it very well and needs to know a bit more. Maybe he will be relieved to know the truth. Saying daddy did something that upset mummy could send a child's imagination wild as to what he has done to you - physical hurt for one.

I have probably told my children too much at times (in anger) about their dads but it has not turned them against them - I have heard it is very difficult to turn a child against a parent.

Survive.

Your son is angry, telling him the 'truth' wont stop the anger it will just re direct it.

Is that what you actually want for him to stop being angry with you but with dad instead?

You need to deal with the emotions he is feeling. Is he just angry at home or is he demonstrating his distress at school too?

Has he witness angry situations? It appears that at the moment the only way he can express himself is with angry outbursts.

Does this reflect the situation between you and your ex?