Help - what do I say?

Thankyou Wiki'e I will try and explore all avenues. I know parentline were very helpful last year when my middle child has anger issues - got assigned a keyworker from parentline but by referral from school.

It's the not knowing what to say for the best that is worrying me.

Am constantly praising my son and re-assuring him of my love, but I guess people/children who bottle things up ofetn carry a lot of 'weight' on their shoulders, which is what I feel he has been doing.

It's so sad that this can affect children in such a distressing way. They don't deserve to be experiencing this and I know many thousands are all in the same boat, but it deeply saddens me that these lying, cheating, bury there head in the sand parents (the ones who have the affairs) do not take into account any of this before they try another piece of cake. Is it a wonder that so many of our youths go AWOL these days, with the divorce rate so high etc.
This is why I am conscious and am desperately trying to seek help.

Thanks for the advice so far, any further comments would be greatly appreciated

Survive
x

Here are a couple of websites that may be useful......

Www.itsnotyoufault.org
Www.whenparentspart.org
Www.parentlineplus.org.uk
Www.divorceandchildren.com
Www.lemons2lemonade.com

Hope they are of use xxxx

Hi
my daughter had the same with my 9 year old grandaughter,she would be quite happy playing then she would just flip and no one could get through to her. The worse time was night she wouldn't sleep she would just scream downstairs how much she hated her. She even defaced pictures of my daughter.
In the end my daughter went to talk with the doctor then she went back with gd. They arranged counselling,she didnt have to wait long.
Turns out like your son my gd blamed her because she was the one who told her it was over but her father wouldn't comfirm it was over, so he had to go along to a session to tell her.
My gd has not done it since. Hope this helps.

Hi Survive

Your son sounds like mine; he was / is angry for the split, ended up in a lot of bother at home & school. He was (according to counsellor) hitting out in the place he felt safe with the only person who “he felt” could take it “Me”

Relate helped him a lot, (its free for kids just give your local office a ring & keep pressing i.e. for me – hes excluded now can you do anything?). They helped with anger management & just being able to talk, he is still under them if needed.

It is really hard, but you just have to be there for them, focus on the good things & talk through the bad times (even when they don’t talk & you have to wait for the explosion & then the calm down before you know what has upset them) .

Be as honest as you can with him, about everything, my son knows I will tell him the truth even when it hurts - (the lies & cover ups & silence were all part of the problem TBH) & the truth helps them feel safe, if I say you will get XX or we will do XX we do it.

It is still really hard, kids come back on a Sunday’s & its like a bomb’s gone off, fighting with each other, tired, irritable & grumpy but I try to be ready for it now – tea ready, waiting & ready to give them time to come down from the weekend etc etc.

All you can do is your best & you’re doing it, keep going & Stay Strong.

JJX

Don't know what to add to all the good advice but what comes through is your love for your son and how hard it must be to hear him so unhappy. He's hurting a lot and how casual of his Dad to say he's not like that when he's with him. No! Of course he's not, because that's what your son wants -to have his Dad close.

How very sad that you're the one dealing with all the fall out as well as your own emotions. It's probably as others have said, because he feels you can take it. He fears that if he was the same with his Dad, he may not see him again but knows you'll always be there when he wakens each morning. I feel his father ought to know what's going on too. He has a responsibility for his son's wellbeing. Perhaps one of the agencies recommended could talk to Dad about how he can help too because he probably won't know what to do either.

Remember how we felt when we were desperate for the truth? How we wanted explanations which weren't forthcoming? Your son's had his world turned upside down too. Don't try to carry this burden on your own. Get help and soon.

So I can only send a big virtual hug and best wishes that you can find the right kind of help for you all.

Mitchum x

Thanks for all your help and support Wiki's... have looked at the websites mentioned (some of which breaks my heart becuase I am fully aware that children 'caught up un the middle' get hurt) Unfortunately I cannot have a say on what goes on when my children are not with me.

Just an update.... went and saw headteacher, who was lovely and suggested a councelling service but would have to get a CAF completed first. In order to spped things up it was recommended that I saw my gp. Saw gp today who said it was nothing to do with them and gave me a leaflet to contact a locaility co-ordinator via the schools but nor based at my school. Contacted them who said I need to complete a CAF form. Back to headteacher who has now waiting to make an appointment with me to complete CAF from.......
I'M TRYING!!!!!!!


Survive
x

Hi

Just a thought. Could your son have found out that daddy went off with one of the mum's from school? Playground gossip and all. If he half knows the truth he needs it validated otherwise he will think you are lying to him and therefore all adults are not to be trusted.

If he is an intelligent boy I say treat him as such. When he is older he will find out the truth anyway....he may not appreciate the time you "lied" to him.

I know it's hard...try not to worry...he is suffering with working it all out. Give him simple facts. Life is hard and sometimes we can't protect our children from the reality forever. He may be angry at his Dad for a bit but it will allow him to move on as you adults have been trying too.

Best of luck.