Help - what do I say?

I am generally of the opinion that the truth is always better than leaving someone to speculate.

Of course there are ways to tell it -
saying "Daddy betrayed me by having sex with X's Mum" isn't the same as saying "Sadly daddy fell out of love with mummy and wanted to be with someone else".

Whatever you tell your son, he's likely to want to ask Dad about it.

But the anger seems to be about Daddy no longer being part of the family at home. He may just be lashing out at you because you are there and its safe as he knows you love him. Perhaps he needs more contact with his father? Or he may be trying to express his sadness about the family being split up.

You could try explaining that mummy and daddy are both sad about it, but that sometimes adults can't sort out their problems and that separating is the best solution.

I'd also suggest you talk to his teacher to see whether he's having difficulties at school.

Thanks Wiki's for your replies.

I know my son is a very intelligent little by and am also aware that this has affected him 'internally' since the tsart of it all. I could have predicted that this would eventually come out as he is also highly sensitive.
Some children just accept things and others don't.

I am not trying to ruin his relationship with his dad in all this, but he does need some kind of explanation. And that is what is so desparately asking for. If he doesn't feel he can trust his mum and she is 'lying' to him then what hope does he have.

No, he has not be subject to any violence or anything of the sort, but he has been told lots of uneccessary information by stbx like that we attended court. Arranging for a sleepover with his new gf (sharing a bed with her alone???) - see one of my previous posts. He is also used as a mseenger from his dad, again not appropriate.

What I am really after is some helpful advice of what exactly to say to him. Some of you Wiki's must have been in this situation with your children.

Yes, he is angry, but he is angry at his mum and the situation and is not happy and satisfied with what he has been told. For your son to be crossing out his face on his school photo becase he says he "hates himself" and that he hates me and he hates home and all he wants is for daddy to come back, and at times he says he wants to kill himself to me shows a clearly traumatised little biy, who if this is not dealt with once reaching adolescence could have some very serious repurcussions.

So please Wiki's I am trying to deal with things before they go too far. Help.

All I can think of is to go straight to school on Monday and ask for a referral?

Survive
x

Survive

I think Nell's version of an explanation is your starting point but it does sound as though you need professional help too. It can take ages to get a referral through the NHS and you might need to look at paying for a counsellor.

Hi

I have 11 year old twins and TBH my stbx had said ge will destroy and is trying to do just that. He cannot hurt me except by hurting or taking the boys and he Is trying to get custody, he gets legal aid, I don't

Anyway, I have always told the bits what they need to know, my ex has to be responsible for his actions - he wants to look the good guy, working on the assumption they will chose him. Of course, I love my boys beyond belief and would never allow for them to stop loving their dad, but so they are aware and able to deal with matters he is forcing they have been told a lot of truths.

Your son is suffering and needs help - I suggest school or doctors - we deal with matters sometimes by being lighthearted about it - try to get him to open up. Another trick is allowing him to pretend dad is (a pet or cartoon character and mum is another tv character/pet) and see if ge can talk mire openly when he is not talking directly about the people he loves most. Also, there is the 'worry bag' - google this in books - although it us fir younger children it has proved invaluable over the years. I make my son peek in his 'bag' to see what is in there and to share it.

He will get there, with lots of reassurance, live and encouragement.

All the best

Lou xx

(ps - plz excuse errors as reply typed on iPhone and I have sausage fingers )

This is a bit of a random suggestion, but after my ex left my son got some pet gerbils and my daughter some guinea pigs. Ex always hated having pets so it was something positive to come out of the split and having a pet can help a child emotionally. Even three years on my son thinks the world of his pets.

In my local area there is a free counselling service just for children. There might be something similar in your area your son might find it easier to talk to a third party.

It sounds in someway he is blaming himself and thinking that if he was different the situation would be different.

It hard if the father is treating him like an adult and expecting him to deal with issues that are beyond his maturity level.

I think the most important thing to remember is he is still a little boy (despite what he might think!!) and needs reassurance like any small child in a strange situation.


The anger is his way of showing you he is scared and doesnt now how to deal with the emotion.

When he is screaming and shouting, hug him and keep hugging him. He want to know you love him and not going to leave him whatever he says and does.

Tell him Nells version of the truth, try really hard not to blame the father just explain it in a ''these things happen'' kind of way.

have you tried childline these might help some way

www.childline.org.uk/Pages/Home.aspx

08001111 (freephone number)