Need some advice because I think I am going mad

Hi everyone,

Any advice would be gratefully recieved as I think i am slowly turning mad. This is my story:

A yr a go I found emails from my husband to suggest he was having an affair. He admitted that they kissed but nothing else - the emails suggested that he was going to visit her. Met her through work - lives in US. He left. I was pregnant (only just found out he didn't know - miscarried weeks later)

I didn't have any contact with him in meantime, moved out of home, he didn't support me in any way. 6 months later we began to speak on friendly terms, discussing divorce and finances.

In the meantime he has seen a girl for a matter of weeks, claims he is not seeing American and is not in contact. I also saw someone for a matter of weeks - complete rebound. He claims that he has not slept with anyone.

Now we have been seeing each other with a view to giving it another go but he has insisted that we continue to seperate finaces and put in the Decree Nisi. He says that he wants us to divorce and then see each other afterwards. This doesn't sit right with me. We have met and had nice meals, drinks etc but all intigated by me - I am realising that I have made all the running. He says he isn't seeing anyone but recently I have been checking up on his social network site and I can see that he is on there late every nt (this site is used for his american friends he says) I am not proud of this and think I am going mad for doing it. He says not to question him if I want a future with him?

I want to trust him and am I being overly sensitive placing so much emphasis on the networking site. I feel mad!

Thanks in antcipation

Do you want to save your marriage? If so, forget the divorce and go to counselling with him. If he doesn't want to stop the divorce and doesn't want to go to counselling or answer your questions, then I think you need to press on with the divorce.

Wanting to trust someone doesn't make it easy to trust them again.

You aren't going mad. He is just messing you around. If he wants to save the marriage he shouldn't be talking about finances and refusing to answer your questions.

Nell

Thank you for you advice - I don't really want a divorce but feel that if I don't do it he will have me in court. He has insisted that we sort finances which are done and we at least get nisi and see each other from there. He will not answer any questions and i need the reasurance. Counselling didn't work for us previously.

All I want is for it to work out but I think it is me that is putting in the effort and he gets a smooth divorce. Finances were discussed on him telling me what he had and I didn't see any proof. I'm so confused.

Hi Florri

Welcome to Wiki. You've come to the right place for some great opinions and views...

I'm so sorry to read your story - sounds like you've really been through it hun and your head must be spinning.

In my humble opinion, I agree with you that the fact that he is talking about having a future with you, yet still wanting to push ahead with the decree nisi, just doesn't sit right I'm afraid. To put it bluntly, he either wants to be with you, or he doesn't. If you are dating again and talking about a future together again then I see no reason why there is a need to keep pushing for the divorce - surely that can be put on hold for now?

You suggest that you have been doing all of the running...have you thought about trying to go quiet on him for a while? I know it will be hard, but maybe try to wait for him to get in touch with you for once? It might put you on more of an even footing - make you feel a bit stronger and less like you're running after him all the time, and it might make him realise that you're not always going to make it easy for him.

Finally hun, I agree with you about the social networking - I hate those things. It is far FAR too easy to strike up conversations with strangers, exs, school crushes etc. I wouldn't be happy either if my husband was spending so much time on one. The excuse about American friends is weak - what's wrong with normal email??

I know how badly you want to trust him...but he's not making it easy for you is he? As far as I can see it, (and sorry if this sounds really blunt, I don't mean it to sound blunt, I just don't know how else to write it ) he wants a divorce yet he's happy to date you and see you socially, but if you start questioning his actions he throws the fact that you need to trust him in your face...er why?? This is the man who cheated on you and left you. It's him who should be gaining YOUR trust - not him telling you to trust him!

I'd try couples therapy - if he won't go then it shows how serious he is about your future together doesn't it? Maybe in therapy together you can both discuss what you really want from each other, and what it will take to make your marriage work again.

But if it were me, he'd be chasing me and trying to make it work and grovelling for forgiveness, not the other way around.

Good luck hun, keep us posted xx

Thank you - you are completely right. I know that but I just don't want to believe it and hope against all hope that I am wrong. He has said that after the nisi he has agreed to leave the absolute and see how we get on. He says that he would be happier for finaces and nisi to go ahead as he can relax then (he said knowing i don't have a hold on him - don't know what that means) He does contact me - not to ask me out but to check on the status of finances and divorce. He has said that he wants to get it done so that we don't argue over money and we can just get on with no other influence as its not helpful.

No, he doesn't make it easy to trust, no apology for the hell of a year, or admittance of what he did. He just says move on, don't question him.

I think I know it is over and it is easier for him to be my friend and he has already told me he can't not have me in his life cos of our 'connection'. I think I know that it it is me that is trying whilst he seems to live the life, gettign drunk, no money worries etc etc. Meanwhile I'm miserable, have been for a yr, see no way out, no future, live miles from friends and family (as came here with his job) and am completely lost. i wish I was strong but I am still in the same place as when he left

Florri hun, take a second and read back through your last post.

Please take my comments in the spirit that they are intended, and not at all negatively towards you...

"He does contact me - not to ask me out but to check on the status of finances and divorce."

Right. So he's really trying to make amends then.

"He has said that he wants to get it done so that we don't argue over money and we can just get on with no other influence as its not helpful."

Biggest load of rubbish I've ever heard hun. If he wanted you, and I mean truly honestly wanted you, everything else would be forgotten about and he'd be all over you like a rash trying to sort things out with your relationship, not your finances. You also eluded in one of your previous posts that you have been badgered into sorting finances quickly and out of court - there's only one reason they ever do this hun, to hoodwink you out of what you might have been entitled to in court. If you haven't signed anything yet then I wouldn't and tell him to take it to court and get his form E and his bank statements etc etc. Tell him you want to sort your finances properly so you can put it behind you and focus on the two of you!! By the way, "knowing you don't have a hold on him" definitely means if it went to court he'd be forced to hand over a lot more, and he knows it.

"No, he doesn't make it easy to trust, no apology for the hell of a year, or admittance of what he did. He just says move on, don't question him."

I bet he wouldn't be quite so keen to move on, no questions, no apology if it was the other way around. He sounds extremely selfish, and not at all deserving of having someone desperate to be with him. He has no idea how lucky he is to have you wanting to make this work.

"he seems to live the life, gettign drunk, no money worries etc etc."

Selfish man!! And it sounds to me as though he's maybe loving his new single life a little too much for someone who wants to give the marriage another go...

"Meanwhile I'm miserable, have been for a yr, see no way out, no future, live miles from friends and family (as came here with his job) and am completely lost."

This is the important one. You are MISERABLE. That's not on. That's not right. At all. Not at all hun. You say you have been this way for a YEAR - what?!! That is long enough! Far far too long. The way out hun, and I know it's hard and I know it hurts like hell, but the way out is to move on. You need to reclaim your life - he clearly has with his partying and carefree bachelor life, and you need to too. Do you really want to be miserable for another year? For another 5 years? For the rest of your life?? If it was me, I'd go home. I'd be with my friends and I'd be with my family - sounds like you really need them close at the moment. You're clinging to this man because it sounds like he's the only person you really know where you live, but things will instantly start to get a bit better if you have loved ones around you. Friends and family can be the greatest medicine in the world.

"i wish I was strong but I am still in the same place as when he left "

You are strong. You've made the first step. You've joined wiki and you've realised and acknowledged to yourself that things aren't right. You'll get stronger every single day from this point on - I promise.

And finally "He has said that after the nisi he has agreed to leave the absolute and see how we get on." How can you try to rebuild your relationship with the threat of the absolute constantly hanging over your head?? One little disagreement and you'll be terrified that the absolute will be in the post. If it were me hun, I'd want all or nothing. And I'd still be demanding my apology for all the sh*t he's put you through. How dare he sweep it under the carpet - it's not for him to sweep away!

xx

Hi again

Having read your responses - this man wants his cake and eat it. He wants to have you working to keep him as it flatters his ego and he wants to get rid of any financial responsibility or legal ties.

I'd press ahead with divorce - don't settle for what he wants to offer - and move on with your life. Value yourself and you will find a man to value you too.