trying to work it out!

my husband of 19 years, been together 23 years! 5 weeks told me he didint love me in a night club at one in the morning! apparently he hasnt loved sinec before xmas! the only clue he said he gave me was when he had a few drinks he would start arguing with me!he is in the navy and works away alot. his work at the moment is with university students in one of the uk vibrant cities! he has a flat all paid for by the navy! we were suppose to move to be with him next week, i got a job schools sorted house sorted! i think he may of panicked bout having to be a family life and giving up a bit of the single life that he was able to have there.

our marriage been a happy one and he describe it to the relate counsellor, the one time he came to "help me" as happy and he respected, admired me. he says i am good mother and he had spent the best 23 years of his life with me and those memories are lovely. so why??? he denies an affair but on the night he dumped me he text a 22 year old psychology student who he had talked to! never mind me! and said "i have done it great weight off shoulder and i need a hug"!i think he is having a relationship with her. he is dressing younger, going to the gym, buying sports car new clothes etc! but he denies it, even though last week our daughter who manged to get the the mobile number of this student. rang the phone and he answered! still he denies it! saying it is all in my head and i should accept it is over! but when asked by relate were this relationship going ie divorce or what, he said in limbo! not making sense to me! i am totally confused.

what i find hard is how cold, aloof he has become! it is alomost like this is not happening. I had to tell our families work, stop the impending move reaarange everything etc. he not told any one apart from work but was able to carry on as if nothing had happened. where i am in bits! not working eating sleeping confidence gone! he went to see his parents for the first time last week and he didnt even discuss it with them! he carried on as normal!!!!

is this normal behviour by the person who dumps? i dont no him any more. my husband has died and perhaps it would be easier if he had!

sorry to rattle on but been looking on this site and found it great!! but any advise would be great!

xxx

Hiya...well your story sounds so much like mine. I noticed all those diferences in him,...the gym, Armani boxers, designer clothes. I found a text early March, very intimate what she was going to do to him..he told me that he was with customers and they did meet and justed kissed, but my gut feeling knew it was more.. for 4 weeks i did'nt eat, sleep and could not stop crying..very hard keeping it together for my 3 children, i am on anti-depressents for a while until i am completely over him. On fathers day he came home,i told him to come clean and tell me all, he admitted the affair, i was devasted, but i love him so much i decided to give it another go. He told me he was sorry for all the upset and told the children that he was sorry. But as the week went on i knew he did not want to be here. after 3 weeks he said he was going to spain to spend time on his own and think. Out of curiosity i phoned her mobile and it went to international dial..i was gutted but still he denied it..he then told me he was still not happy and we should have closure on our marriage..gutted again.. he was playing with my emotions and my heart. We had booked to go away with the children for 2 weeks, he then said he was only going for a week, while there it was like old times, he told me it was so obvious we still loved each other, the following night i caught him texting her..i could not belive it.. why is he treating me like this..it is as if he is enjoying hurting me..he is not the man i have spent 16 years with..he has changed so much that like you i do not know who he is anymoreHe is very cold and distant. He went home after 1 week, i returned home last night to an empty house, all his things gone, but today cried all morning and than removed every evidence of him, bagged it and left it out the front for him to collect, even cut our wedding photo up and give him his half..people tell me that one day i will wake up and realise that i deserve better..but i am just longing for that day.. It is like a bereavment but worse because the person is still here...sounds harse but it is true.. It is so comforting to read other people are in the same situation..Take care x

HI

Me too - x husband said we had grown apart and needed time to sort himself out - moved out, then back and all the while denying there was anyone else. Signs were there as you have discovered and then he moved out to "lodge" with woman from work and few months later (according to him!) they were a couple - well I'm not that daft and once this was out in the open I knew it had been going on all along. Scientific fact that women will get out of relationship if it isn't right but men more likely to leave when they have someone else to go to even if relationship isn't right first.
My x was exactly same as yours now when he left and I think you already know deep down what is going on. It's far easier for them if they can blame you in someway for what they are doing - that way they don't feel so guilty. I felt that my x treated me the way he did because in his head he had already committed himself to his new woman and so by being with me he was "cheating" on her - ironic isn't it. Also it's surprising how many men in this situation try to "have it all" - wife and family and girlfriend "on the side" and then can't handle the guilt, etc. this brings so they take it out on you.

To offer some hope this all happened to me 7 years ago now and although it was very hard to start with as you are discovering there is light at the end of the tunnel. Best advice I can give is lay it on the line, decide between you if there is any hope and if not move on. He may need you to make him make up his mind and make the choice. Remember you are worth more than he is presently giving you. Easier said than done you may think but there are plenty of us that have been there, come out the other side (after a lot of heartache) and are happier now than before. Keep busy, focus on you and your kids and speak about it either here or elsewhere to sort out your thoughts.
PM me if you would like to.

Good luck, stay strong and do what is best for you (and kids), only you know what is right for you.

Janey

thank you for you post. so hard when you are hurting so much! but it is comforting to know we are not alone. but it is only us that can get through this and that the hardest bit! the pain is unbearable at times. go to see relate you can see them on your own they have been excellant with me! i keep coming on here that helps knowing you are not alone! look after self and the kids you are worth a million of him. but it is so hard to look at the man you love and he is no longer there! see you are welsh? i live north wales xxx

This is so similar to my story too. It took me some months to work out that his brain had somehow become wired differently. I thought for a while it was some lesser known type of depression. He expalined he was not "in love" with me anymore - I think they all use a similar script.

This may not be terribly healthy but I now think of him as a zombie now. Some sort of undead inhabits his body and it it isnt really him at all in there any more.

It's six months now since the OW forced his departure from the home - telling the children was just the worst thing. I am now fairly emotionally detached which is just as well as he feels it fair to sell the family home to support his new lifestyle. I don't think so!!!

It does get better but stay strong. Easier said than done.

Love

Mrs Mellors.

This is perfectly normal behaviour for a cheat - they deny it to avoid a scene and so they don't have to feel guilty.

My ex actually told me he thought my Mum wouldn't have a problem meeting his new woman!

It's easier if you just ignore it.