still hurting after 2 years

I have read some of the blogs and find the whole 'it takes 2' idea offensive. I had a very happy family and my husband changed very suddenly coincidentally at he time he started another relationship. The same patern has happened to friends.Call it a mid life crisis perhaps but the person you loved and was your trusted best friend turns into a stranger.
It is very frightening to the whole family. The person's previous values and all they hold dear become nothing to them and they become deceiptful, manipulative liars. So 19 happy years. 3 children and a home count for nothing at all?
How can a stranger come on the scene and completely change a person? I would never have believed it. Once in their new 'relationship' a common theme emerges they start looking for justification for their betrayal of their family. I was actually told that I leave too many lights on in the house.
She wasalso married and had behaved in exactly the same way. What a start to a relationship both cheating on partners and lying to each other too I discovered. My children were all over 16 and have been appalled by their father's behaviour.
The devoted father now estranged from his childen for 2 years.
It makes a mockery of everything we had.

you are totally right

the hard part is they never changed

they as 'marshy' puts it were always wearing a mask

the whole time, it does not mean they were deceptive they were always being themselves except

they were not feeling what you felt for them

if they did they would never have left

as the pol ex on 'the wire

says

'it seems in this place everytime i open my mouth, i tell people something they don't want to hear!'
we don't want to face that

and as he also said can....you trust someone absolutely...ever.....


for those of us whise word is our bond this means a great deal and a great worry


but it does take 2 to make a relationship

and only 1 to destroy it

Hi

I also do wonder where my marriage and family unit has gone, and I constantly ask myself did I ever do enough in the relation to hold it all together. I lay in bed here wondering what getting married was all for if I have lost everything that I held so dear to my heart. I still love my wife even though she doesn't and in the long run I hurt myself but she is worth it, this is how much I still love her and I miss my daughter dearly too, for she is the centre of my universe and the one keeping everything in balance for me. After 4 months of soul searching and finding answers to myself, I am still no closer to understanding it all but I am very grateful to my wikipeeps and I am grateful for a job to keep my mind off things but I have these emotions to contend with.

In time we are all hurting and at the same time grappling with the idea that it's all gone, but as we turn the page, it's a blank sheet and perhaps it's time to right something new and beautiful, don't we deserve that....

Pheonix

Hi
I am just over a year on and still feel very sad that my marriage is over. I never thought my partner would cheat on me and leave me with 2 young children (always said he would never want to be a part time dad)....how wrong I was! I am still angry that he is with OW who is so much younger and that he has left a lovely home to live in a shared house with no money. I was studying for my degree and he said he felt neglected....he walked out 2 weeks before I finished!
I am not sure when I will start to move forward.....but I hope it is soon!!
Wishing you all the best. We can not be responsible for someone elses actions/feelings....only our own xx

It's pointless asking what you could have done. Because you didn't know anything needed doing. Because you and your partner weren't able to communicate this.

I think about a book I read about bereeavement where parents of children who had died were wracked with thoughts about their lives cut short. One father said he thought perhaps a more bearable thought was that their lives, however short, were what was meant. That's it. Same with marriage. I am not sure why we think it should last till death us do part.

It was easier for marriage to be till death in Victorian times when the average marriage was ended by the death of a spouse at 11 years. Relatively short when you consider how much longer people live now.

And in Victorian times the divorce was virtually impossible for nearly everyone - and bigamy, desertion and separation were common.

Rather than dwelling on the past and what went wrong - you can't put it right. Celebrate the fact your marriage lasted as long as it did, be grateful for the good times, and now focus on the future which you can change.

Hurtandsad,
I'm rebuilding it..slowly, little steps....

Whilst I can see what you are saying about not dwelling on what went wrong, it is very difficult to celebrate that the marriage lasted as long as it did (in my case, he started a relationship with OW one month after we genuinely celebrated our silver wedding anniversary)and 'the good times', when he now lies and claims that we had problems in our marriage (there was no hint of this, no arguments or tension, until he met her whilst abroad and returned saying the marriage was over and there was no point even thinking of counselling). This tarnishes my memories and makes me doubt them. I agree that somehow I have to hold on to my knowledge of those happy times, but on the other hand it is obvious that his love for me wasn't enough to stop him having that affair. I can empathise with the original post in this thread as he has become a completely different person. And he's a church minister, which further complicates things. He seems to have abandoned any Christian ethics. It's now one year since I was forced to leave and I am hurting as much as ever.