still hurting after 2 years

Hallo again

Well your memories and his won't agree. He doesn't want to remember that your marriage was happy as he would have to face what he has done.

Besides which, very few people's memories ever entirely match up. And memory is faulty. Only this morning I found some old diaries of mine and found that what I remembered doesn't tally with what I wrote at the time!

Forget what he is saying/doing, hold on to the memories you have and treasure them.

I know it hurts - my ex left after we'd been together 31 years to live with someone else for no good reason that I can see. He said a lot of bizarre things before he went, like perhaps my Mum would be happy to meet his new partner (!!!) and maybe I could go out with both of them, or would that be wierd (!!!).
A lot of it was because he felt guilty and wanted to feel everyone was still going to be friendly with him. His affair wasn't his fault either, it was because I was horrible to him and the other woman threw herself at him.

Anyway
I got through it because you have to. It wasn't easy and i didn't do it on my own, this site helped, and I also had 5 months on anti-depressants and 9 months of counselling.

I don't have regrets - what is the point? I don't feel anything for my ex anymore now, he just seems cowardly and pathetic. He wasn't worthy of me.

I'm nearly two yrs down the line (from separation) and a few months from being divorced, and it does get easier. But it's hard, so very hard.

I never thought this would happen to me - that was the biggest shock of all. I know that no-one gets married thinking they'll end up divorced (obviously!), but it came as such a castrastrophic shock. Sometimes, I still feel like I'm reeling from the shock.

It's so hard to believe that I mean nothing to him. Nothing. Just a problem to be gotten rid of. It makes me so very sad.

I try and remember the good times, but always, there's that thought, 'how could it have been good when it ended the way it did'.

Only time and space helps.

I read about such sadness and pain on here. The things people put other people through. For the last few days, I have been coming on here to get my 'fix'. I sit and cry, I sit and laugh. But mostly, I wonder why and what it's all for? They say love hurts, and they're not wrong. I think I shall enjoy and relish being single, as I can't see myself being able to go through another relationship breakdown.
To all of you who let me into your lives through this site, thank you, and be strong! x

Hi

Reading this thread you can see how many people this has happened to and having been in this situation too I can agree with everything that has been written so far.
From my experience I have come to believe that for some people in what are considered to be happy marriages something happens to make them question whether they can have "more" or "better". In some cases it may be meeting someone else that makes them feel "special" and although this may seem shallow the excitment of a new relationship can often appeal more than the old one. In my case my x lost his father and I believe he then started looking at his life and thinking is this it? Just a shame he started to look for the answers elsewhere instead of talking to me about it. He "found" someone else at this time and started an affair. I too was shocked by how much he changed and believe that was down to his guilty feelings and because it was so totally unexpected it hit me hard. It's the betrayal that hurts and to some extent still does even 6 years on. That said as others have already written time does heal, I no longer get upset about the whole thing, I have a new life now and have remarried and most of the time I am much happier than I was before. X on the otherhand is still with same OW but I believe from what he and kids have said that this relationship is not happy and he now regrets to some extent what he did and what he has lost.
When I look back at events now it is with a sense of nostalgia but it no longer hurts - I can remember the good times and there were many but also have so much to look forward to. It takes time to make all the adjustment but although to some extent the regret and hurt never go away they get less and you can move on. I do feel that my second marriage is much stronger because of our previous experiences. Not everyone feels that they want someone else after their experiences (we are all different) but most who have come through this situation find it helps to fill their lives other things.

Janey

I don't look back with happiness. The memories are tainted, and unfortunately my children feel exactly the same. For me, I think it's because I just can't find that point at which my partner decided to opt out emotionally. I've done a lot of soul searching about that, asked myself the hard questions and I do feel very much that he was either an excellent liar, or just very weak in the integrity department when OW came on the scene. I'm not saying I was perfect because we are all flawed, and yes, after 23 years together people become complacent. I can say I was committed and honest though, and had no reason to believe he wasn't either until this happened. It wasn't like we didn't talk about our relationship or that we didn't like each other and all the rest. So the memories feel rather meaningless now and the marriage a big waste of my time. I choose not to think about the past very much because it doesn't make me feel good and I got fed up with feeling badly so I choose to think more about my future and concentrate on that.

I do regret wasting my life with that person though, mainly because had I known earlier that he was just 'putting up with his feelings for so long' as he now says, I would at least have had a chance at building a decent, independent life for myself, from a financial standpoint. That is proving difficult now so yes, I feel pretty aggrieved that he was so dishonest with himself and with me, and I feel I was robbed of some opportunities that are impossible to recapture now. It's about respect for me, and clearly he had none, so of course it irritates me because I feel I deserve to be treated with respect. But I don't spend my days being angry about it anymore. It used to consume me. Now it's more of a mild irritation on one level and a rather major inconvenience on another. In time it will be nothing, like when you have an injury. At the time it's awful and hurts like hell but once it heals, you forget about the pain and put it aside. The scar will always be there, but after a while you just don't notice it unless someone points it out.

Many, like Nell, have mentioned the comparison with 'the olden days' regarding lifespan and how unrealistic it is to think you would stay married for life. Perhaps that's true to an extent but it doesn't excuse bad behaviour in my opinion, and I think it's unrealistic to compare then with now. I also think that most people still believe in the institution of marriage as a structure for raising a family, and the more that breaks down, the more we come to accept as 'normal' that there's no point in having any sort of values like honesty or commitment or integrity. It's all over our culture really, just look at how people conduct themselves in business, politics and all the rest. It's all 'me me me'. A sad commentary on the human race - we as a species appear not to have learned much in the way of the 'value' of having values.

In the end I think it's how relationship breakdown is handled more than the end result that is crucial and if people would just stop and take some time to really be honest with their partners and themselves, and really, really think about the consequences of what they were doing then perhaps they'd find a way to be decent about it and I think a lot of us would be able to handle things more easily. Bottom line for me is, I feel that betrayal is indefensible in any relationship. It's unnecessary and selfish and it does so much damage to so many people. I just can't justify it myself.

Although I am not particularly religious, I used to believe in the sanctity of marriage. Not any more. But I do congratulate myself on the fact that I was never unfaithful to my husband while he had one inappropriate relationship after another with his various lady friends. I salute you all.

Couldn't agree with you more GTU, I would have more respect for x if he had come clean about how he was feeling and ended it with me before taking up with OW - as you say it's the betrayal that's worse. No excuse for that behaviour in my opinion - just cowardice in not taking the plunge before making sure you are set up with something else. As for wasting your life with him just think of what you have learnt from whole thing. I like to think that at least I got my wonderful children from the relationship; and if I got nothing else but this and the sense that I am a stronger person because of the experience then that is enough.

Janey