Struggling to carry on (long post)

not sure where to post this but seeing as it's my first post I'll pop it in here.

I've been with my other half for 20 years now and married for 13 years, we have to great daughters aged 9 and 4 and I love them all more that words can say. When I used to talk to people about my wife I used to tell them how lucky I was, people can spend a lifetime looking for their soul mate and never find them, I managed it first time out. Sometimes I think I'm a soppy idiot, I'd see a really old couple walking down the street and I'd see myself and my wife. I was looking forward to growing old together, she completed me.

When our eldest was old enough to go to nursery my wife gave up work so she could go to the local one (we both worked full-time at that point and travelled 25miles to work). I had a good job which gave me a good work life balance, things were tight on the one wage but we were managing. However changes were afoot at work and rather than have a degree of uncertainty I opted for a VR package. At that time as our eldest hadn't started school yet we had no ties to where we currently were so I opted for a job in the highlands near to my parents (they retired shortly
afterwards and moved to Spain - didn't have the heart to tell them part of the reason we moved there was to be near them), on paper the job looked good after being part of a very large operation I was going to be pretty much my own boss. During this time we were expecting our second child, so we moved into our new house about a week before she was due and everything was great for about the next 18months. Well not to great as the job was not turning out quite how I imagined, I was having to work very long hours and it was sapping the life out of me. We spoke about this and
my wife said to look for an other job so I applied for a few but didn't get then, during this time my wife had started to settle into the area and develop a good circle of friends so as time went on I didn't feel I could move them all away again to somewhere new.

As time went on I became more and more just a shell, I was working so hard but there never seemed to be an end in sight. My wife developed her own interests and I felt like doing less and less because I was so drained. My mental health was also suffering and we were struggling financially and that's when I made the biggest mistake of my life. Rather than open up to the woman I love more than anything and say we needed to downsize/cut back or that she needed
to go back to work I started embezzling money from work. Only a little at first to see us to the end of the month and I would pay it back but then something would crop up and I couldn't afford to pay it back this went on for a while but by the time I realised I was in the s**t it was to late. I couldn't tell my wife now, I couldn't go and get another job to get away from the hell work wise I was in as I couldn't afford to pay the money back - I was trapped!

It was like I became addicted to it each time I did it I would tell myself that I have to stop this and sort it out but I couldn't stop, I even had a favourite note style that I liked and would only take those. The money never financed a fancy life style but did make us comfortable so it wasn't like I/we were living the high life on it.

Now fast forward to the end of 2008 and I'm in a deep hole with no way out, the stress of keeping this from my wife has made me very ill to the point where she begins to think she might become a widow. I end up signed off from work
and they eventually send up a manager to cover (now Feb 2009), the sense of relief when I handed across the keys was enormous as I knew at that point I would never be setting foot in that place again. Needless to say the missing
money was discovered but I still could not bring myself to tell my wife how much I'd let her down, work kept sending letters which I ignored until they came knocking at the door one day and I had to tell her and I watched as I saw her life crumble around her - I have never felt so bad in my life (even when my sister died).

I owned up to my work that I had taken the money and was eventually asked by the police to go in for questioning, which I did and confessed and told them everything, I was charged and released - that was back in April - still waiting for court date.

My wife found a job so we could at least keep a roof over the children's head but we can't afford it so will be selling before we fall into arrears and I've been at home looking after the kids struggling to come to terms with what I did.

We are now in separate bedrooms as my actions have torn away the love that she once felt for me, my feelings for her remain as strong as they ever have but I'm struggling to find the strength to carry on - the thought of life without her is more than I can bare. We have agreed to sell that house split the money and go our separate ways if her feelings for me do not come back (once I got my head out my arse and sat down to talk about it that is). It is all quite civilised which makes it even worse, I think I would prefer it if she hated me - I know I do (hate me that is) and I certainly wouldn't blame her. Every other aspect of our life continues as normal, I still bring her to and from work most days do all her washing, I don't have a problem with that as that is my role but each time I look at an item of her cloths it brings the feeling of loss right back again and don't even get me started on her underwear - lol.

Each day I start with hope in my heart but by the end of the day I just want to die (I don't think I would as I wouldn't want to put my kids or parents through that). I've been to counselling sessions and they helped a little but each day I just have to look at her face and a huge wall of emotion falls down on me. Each day it's like someone telling me the woman I love is dead, in some respects if that had happened several months ago I think I would have handled it better as I would have known that she loved me at the end. It's made even worse by the fact it's is all my fault.

We sat down on Sunday and I gave her my wedding ring and said that in the weeks/months to come if she wanted me as a partner in her life to give it back to me and if not keep it/bin it and that I accepted that path that we were currently on and where it would lead us to. I asked her today if there was any hope and she pretty much said no. I am in so much pain over this it is becoming unbearable, I have tried everything to try and put things right and show her that I am the man she married. And yes we drifted apart over the last several years (nothing like hindsight) but deep down we are still the same people who fell head over heels in love with each other all those years ago. Nothing I say seems to get though the barriers she has put up and it kills me each day - she is my love and my life. I know I've probably lost her but I simply can not come to terms with that, she said today that she would still want me as a friend and she still likes me but I don't know if I could handle that as deep down I would still be thinking there is a chance of getting her back.

So I live each day in this self created hell wanting the pain to end.

Did warn you it was a long post....

Michael,

Sounds like you have been struggling alone for a long time...matters have come to a head and now you are having to face them...they are out in the open...this is not going to be easy for you and you will need support to get through this...have you been your GP?

IMHO whilst you seem to be taking on board all the blame, did your ex never notice the effects of the long hours upon you whilst she was developing her own interests? Just a thought that sprung to mind whilst reading your post.

No matter how we each our pain, it hurts the same...please take care of yourself...as hard as this must be for you right now, you are facing up to it...thata the biggest hurdle.

Aw ra best (((((Michael)))

E

Oh dear Michael, what a mess.

I know nothing of the law, but is a charge negotiable as in a plea bargain type way?

The reason I ask is this. We had an employee stealing from us. We don't know how much, but at least 20k. She was found guilty, given community service and ordered to pay us compensation, of £250.00 payable over so long.
So Justice wasn't really done and we were still out of pocket.

It's probably a daft thought but would repaying the money help your marital situation? If there is enough equity in the house that is.
It may help you to forgive yourself and in your wife's eyes be a better man. It would also look favourable in Court that you made such a gesture.
If you put it to her and she says no, then she can hardly judge you, as she too benefitted from the theft.

I dare say that your outcome will be similar to our ex-employee, in that your ex-firm will never see their money again unless you volunteer to repay it.

I think it would be good for your Soul, conscience whatever.

Depends how much guilt you feel I suppose.

When packing my car with shopping recently, there was a tin of anchovies loose in the trolley. I assumed I hadn't paid for them and returned to do so. Had I not gone back to pay, I'd never have slept for the guilt. Depends on what sort of person you are.

Elle - thanks for the post - have been to the GP and he referred me to counselling. She did notice which is why she suggested finding another job but by then it was pretty much to late as I was trapped.

enliven - thanks for the post - I have done everything I can to limit the impact on the legal side, going into the police, owning up to it etc. If I had the money I would pay it back in an instant,t here is enough equity in the house to pay back most of the money but she is unwilling to sign across her half - can't blame her really as she will need the money to rebuilt her life. That does however leave me with no money (will use what I have from sale to make token payment), no career (spent 20 years building that) and nowhere to live and no real hope of affording somewhere big enough that my girls can come visit me.

flattielover - thanks for the post - I/we have talked over this many times and she is very aware of how sorry I am and how much I love her. It's true we had drifted apart a bit over the years like many other couples do when children come on the scene, I think it wasn't long after she gave up work that our marriage stopped being a partnership and I started making decisions (not conscientiously) on my own. That's not to say we didn't talk about these things but if I remember correctly it was always "it's your choice and I'll support whatever you pick".

Pipsqueak - Thanks for the reply - I think that's one of the things that hurts her, she trusted me to look after things. However it wouldn't of taken much digging to find out that not everything was ok but when you trust someone absolutly the thought they maybe hiding something doesn't come into your head.

We did talk about the fact that my parents were moving away and I made the choice not to tell them that one of the reasons we moved was to be close to them. They had worked very hard and I wanted them to enjoy their retirment.

It was my sister that died, it was a very long time ago (still hurts and still think about her every day) but it was the only other time I've felt this kind of emotional pain.

She could of just walked when he found out about it so I guess she's been trying to square it away in her mind since the begining of the year but has been unable to. Also i think the added stress of having everything piled on to her shoulders since I was no longer working has added to it and I guess she feels she just wants to get away from it all - just without me. I think as you say a degree of guilt also comes into it, I guess she feels I pulled the wool over her eyes and she was so trusting that she didn't see it.

I wish I was that good a writter as I seem to be in the market for a new career.

You won't see it now michael but this could be the best thing that ever happens to you.
a lot of women take a back seat and leave all the providing to the fella.You're relationship has put a lot of pressure on you financially even to the point of theft to keep up the charade of being able to provide for a life you couldn't afford.Your wife may not be able to get over the fact that you are now in trouble with the law but ultimately you did it to try and provide a lifestyle for your family that was beyond your earning capacities.You've been under undue stress for years hiding that up for years but now you have to question why you had the inability to say no i can't afford this and be honest and secure enough in your relationship to tell your wife that.So often unfortunately when money goes out the window love walks out the door.
You will undoubtedly be facing a load of shoite in your life so don't beat yourself up too much because they'll be plenty of people dishing out the kickings now like the law.
The thing to do now is learn from your mistakes and rebuild your life on a more honest foundation.I hope your wife loves you enough to give you a second chance but if she doesn't don't go off the deep end and do summit daft.
every thing in life is surmountable if you just keep going.You might have to do a bit of a time and you might not have your wife and family full time after this but everyone who gets divorced has to get over that one too.Concentrate on looking after yourself and working on the parts of your personality thats led you to do this to please others.
Probably only get a bit of cs anyway and thats a doddle.
Hope it works out as best it can for you.
all the best
Pete