where do i start?

Hi Newyearnewme.

I hope you are bearing up to this awful news. I agree it's difficult to know what to do, particularly with children involved, but I don't think it really matters what you do because I think he has made his mind up.

Marshy mentioned the midlife crisis phrase and I think he's spot on (as usual). My husband used the exact words you have written and also denied the affair and also said things had not been good for years despite evidence to the contrary.

I think you are at the start of a strange and difficult journey but look after yourself as well as you can, get all the support you can and this will help you to help yourself and the children through a distressing time.

I'm a year down the line as my silly sod left a few days before Christmas 2008 and looking back I feel a bit foolish and naive but this was a person I trusted. It all became clear that he could not leave us any earlier because the slut had to get rid of her own husband overseas first. I sometimes think maybe I should not have formally asked him to leave when he did not come home but in hindsight it would have made no difference at all.

The relationship that was so important lasted just six weeks (rich hubby returned from overseas)and then he seemed like he wanted to come back home. I couldn't live with this uncertainty and had no faith at all anymore in guessing his thoughts so I asked outright if he wanted to come home. Absolutely not - I had made his life miserable etc and at that point I realised I didnt want to be an emotional punch bag anymore as he was now trying to place the marriage breakdown firmly on my shoulders. He tried to make himself the victim of some unwitting tragedy so I started divorce proceedings.

I am now happier than I have been for years. When oxygen is removed slowly from the atmousphere you don't notice until you start to choke and that's how I was. The best bit is seeing him just as miserable as he ever was and absolutely knowing that I am no longer responsible for not keeping the marriage in a constant state of delight.

Sorry to ramble but I am thinking of you and your children. It does get better, a lot better,

Mrs Mellors.

Hi Newyearnewme

There's nothing I can say that will help you to feel better about your situation so I'm just sending you a hug. Looks like you need one right now!

Take care of yourself and keep in touch with your Wiki friends.

Chrys x

thank you everyone x

i asked him again tonight is there anyone else and he said there was not, but I just don't believe him. I asked him if he wanted to be with me and he said he did not know, part of him says yes and part of him says no????

So why is he not just leaving? and should I tell him to leave? I hate this not just for me but for the kids.

There is no one who can tell you what to do honey, it has to be your decision. It is really difficult to know what is best. Mine stayed with me but kept going back to her and it just became unbearable. He was the one who wanted to leave though.

My friend is currently with a partner who she has no feelings for and they spent Christmas in separate rooms, her with her children and him on his own. She just says she will know when the time is right to call it a day.

My children were older and he waited until the youngest went to uni before he left so I was on my own. At least you will have your children with you, as difficult as it will be.

Write a list of all the good things about staying together and another with the bad and see which is the longest. Can you live with the atmosphere? I tried my hardest to get things to change but I really do feel it is midlife crisis which creates these situations.

you should probably listen to the voice telling you there's someone else involved. Hard as it is, that does ususally seem to be the case. My stbx was, before November last year, the last man on earth I would have expected to abandon me so completely and without emotion or seemingly a care in the world. But he did it. And he was having an affair, despite denying it for 6 months after leaving and having moved in with her from day one. Amusingly now (not so amusing then), he is STILL unable to admit they are living together. Such, I suppose, is his shame, guilt and anger at himself (if he doesn't say it, it's not true). Prepare yourself for a major change in personality on his part and start to focus on yourself and your children - that is all that matters now.

Hindsight is an amazing thing but only something you get with time and experience. Until then, you have a lot to get through for which wiki is here and will help with. The journey will be easier, I believe, if you can accept that things are not right and start making a move at working out what you want for the future for you and your children and start working towards it. It's not easy, it takes a lot of soul searching, time and giving everyone and anyone the benefit of the doubt. But you will get there and this time next year, I promise you will be feeling very, very different. Good luck!

newyearnewme wrote:

thank you everyone x

i asked him again tonight is there anyone else and he said there was not, but I just don't believe him. I asked him if he wanted to be with me and he said he did not know, part of him says yes and part of him says no????

So why is he not just leaving? and should I tell him to leave? I hate this not just for me but for the kids.

Hi
I got the same line about love but not in love and was in this same situation for much of 2008. Ultimately we parted early last year. It was horrible to start with but only then did I recognise how unhappy I'd been for so long. This was the person that I'd trusted with everything, but could no longer trust. Over the course of 2009 I was able to sort out my own feelings and life around it and have to some extent become happier.

One revelation a couple of months after the split was the final admission that there had been someone else. He'd been happy to play games with our lives until a commitment from him was required. It was only once she realied that she also had been deceived that my wife admitted her own deceit, I could not understand why she hadn't left before and I could finally know that I had not misinterpretted the situation.

Of course everyone is different. Whilst I suspect that your suspicions have some element of truth in them, I could be wrong. All I can urge you is to try not to doubt yourself. Use this forum to try and seek a broader view to your situation and wish you the best, whatever happens, in 2010.

Only you can decide what to do - but I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't know what he wants. Doesn't sound very committed, it sounds to me like someone who wants out but hasn't the courage to say so.