where do i start?

This is sort of what happened with me and my stbx - and as Marshy mentioned, well, in our case, there WAS someone else and I beat stbx to the punch.

Obviously, he'd been involved with someone else for some time and had been thinking about leaving for some time and I'm so sorry this has been so sudden for you. I at least found out in advance that he was planning to leave me.

The biggest shock, though, was that after some happy years together, he wanted out and NO MARRIAGE COUNSELING!

The few weeks that we stayed under the same roof after that were to a time scale - even though he said he was leaving, he wasn't in much of a hurry. I sometimes wonder if I hadn't, in the end, pushed for us to separate as quickly as I did, maybe that would've given him time to think things through a little more carefully? No way to know now, as he's living with OW.

As Pauline has said, you can't go on indefinitely - I thought I'd lose my mind after a couple of weeks - but you really do need to set yourself a time scale...

Best of luck!

I am so sorry - I agree with Marshy, it sounds so much like there is someone else involved. Most men, who love their wives but are not in love, generally love family life and their kids work at the marriage. If I had my time again I would hold my head up high, let him stew and not make demands. If he realises he's messed up let him do the running and if he decides to break up the marriage and family etc then hold your head high and never let him see your pain - thats what we are here for! I so wish I could go back and do it all again differently.Counselling - good idea - but do it for yourself.Most of all take extra special care of yourself. Good luck and strength for the new year .x

Its very rare a man leaves his wife, home and children for "no reason".

Usually there is someone else, but too much of a coward to admit it there and then.

Be detective!

Jo x

Your number one priority now is you and your children. Whatever is going on in your husband's head will remain a closed book for as long as he wants to keep it that way - believe me, I know!

Be strong, keep your head high as WeeKate says, and start trying to make rough plans for you and children - chasing after him, pressuring him, and trying to understand and looking for answers will just keep you in limbo all the longer.

And you may not know it yet but just by joining Wiki you've made countless new friends who will be here for you, cheering you on and picking you back up, every step of the way - whether you sort things with your husband or seperate and eventually divorce. Wiki was my lifeline, and it will be yours too.

Best wishes xx

thanks everyone, I think there is probably someone else but i just don't want to believe it. He is still living in our home and a couple of nights ago I said that he had to either work at our marriage or leave and sort himself out. Well, he sad he would leave but he hasn't. If I try talking to him about it he says it is pressuring him. He said he has not felt I have loved him for years, did not appreciate him etc etc. I really don't know what is going on. I have asked him again, what is happening and does he want to make a go at our marriage and he just said if it works out it works out if it doesnt then it doesnt? thats not really trying is it? so confused?

I don't think even he quite knows what he wants.

How about asking him to go back to his parents and thinks about what it is that he wants.

Someone who doesn't want to remain in the marriage for someone else will often put the blame on their partner, in this case you, because it makes it easier and helps them feel less guilty.

My ex told me that he would often cause an argument with me before he went to work, then he wouldn't feel guilty when he picked up a garage worker to shag in the car after work - really, it is true!

It cannot be easy having him living in the house "not know what he wants". It must be Absolute turmoil for you.

Request that he leaves and although it will be incredibly difficult for you, it will make him make the choice.

Jo x

Hi,

My ex was 44 when he had an affair with a girl 20 years his junior. He said all the things your ex is saying. He is just trying to justify himself and put the blame on you. Men don't leave their wives and family if they don't have someone else to go to usually. I think he probably has someone else.

Look after yourself and your children, it is hard but you will come through it a stronger person. Marriagecare are great for counselling and you can find them on google. You can go on your own or with him if he will attend. My ex wouldn't go with me!!!!

GOOD LUCK!