Accepting Its Over

Hi I'm David

I have been married for nearly 7 years, with my wife for 12 years and she has told me she wants us to split up. I am findng this very hard to accept and keep dwellng on the good times we have had and the thought of never having times like that again fills me with intense fear.

We have 2 young girls and i cannot bear the thought of not seeing them every night and every morning. How we are going to tell them i dont know. We are due to be going on holiday in 3 weeks and are stil going but i cannot imagine how i am going to be as at the end of the holiday the feeling of the marraige being over will be even more intense.

I found out yesterday too that i am being made redundant from my job so now have the prospect of going out and looking for work.

I dont have the strength or the confidence and self esteem to do that just now but i guess i'll need to find it from somewhere.

I thought i was with my soul mate for life and i know i need to accept it is over but i cant as it feels that i am having this imposed on me and i dont want this or the new life i am going to have to create.

Hi David

I am so sorry! I was in your situation around three months ago. I have two children and the youngest is two. I can give you some good advice but it might be difficult to take it:(

Try not to beg her or let her see you fall apart. It is likely to have the opposite affect that you want. Try to be strong in front of her.

Is she having an affair? Chatingt on the internet? Anything like that? Some more details would help us all if you can.

If it does all fall apart, and it sounds like it might, you will deal with it and get through it. It is VERY tough but you will find your way through the mess very slowly. Everybody does but yes, it hurts like hell. Keep posting here and you will find lots of support. You will find this very valuable at times so keep coming back!


Andy

Hi David,

It sounds like you and your partner need to sit down and discuss how you both see this split happening as soon as possible. Though it's hard you need to try to leave aside any anger and talk constructively about what the split will look like - separate rooms? different locations? applying for a divorce? etc.

Your girls will probably already know things are not hunky dory between you - but you both need to have a plan before you tell the girls.

I found choosing a neutral place (the park) and then getting on with things in an (almost) normal way seemed to work well.

Good luck with everything - thought I'd think long and hard about the holiday - it could be a nightmare if you and your partner haven't agreed ground rules beforehand.

Love

Solarpowered.

Thanks Andy

I have been acting very weak in front of her, pleading/begging, putting in the guilt complexes of not disrupting the girls and the material things she will miss out on etc.

I dont think there is someone else, i have asked and she gets angry at me suggesting that. My friends and hers dont think so either.

We have had alot of arguments and name calling etc and then not resolved them properly before moving forward and she is now totally worn down by them and tells me her feeling for me have changed and that she is not in love with me anymore. I was told this 4 weeks ago and we agreed to try amd see how things go. 4 days ago she told me it was over for good, i had left the house to give her space then found out through my daughter that they were going away for a few days next week to a caravan and then when i asked her about this she also told me that her parents would be looking after the kids this weekend. I was looking forwad to seeing them again and having some normallity back for a few hours.

She can be very volatile and angry with me and the kids now and historically. She is very stubborn so i feel she wont change her mind and is already making the plans to seperate. I have a great group of friends who have given me good advice, i am an only child and frightened by the prospect of once my parents go (worrying too much i know) then i will have no one to gain the emotional support i will need.

She wants to be on her own and this hurts so much.

Thanks Solarpowered

You're so right and yes it will be hard. The girls are number one priority here so we will be extremely careful and will plan it.

The holiday is for them, its at Euro Disney and they are so looking forward to it so we need to go.

Its just these initial feelng i have just now are so intense and i cant eat or concentrate on anything but this situation.

Morning are sore, hits you like a ton or bricks when wakng up.

If I was in your shoes, I know what I would do having been through the same. But be careful with my advice, every situation is different and other people may have other views.

If I could do it all again, I would get away for a while on my own. Perhaps two weeks. I would not contact her at all. No texts, no emails and no calls. If she contacts you, do not be in too much of a hurry to reply and only reply in a polite way. Don't initiate contact. Let her have enforced space to think this through. Do not let her suggest you can be friends and suck the strength out of you. No contact and no help for her. Especially no pleading, begging crying etc etc. This never works with women. Oh the wisdom of hindsight!

So that's it, that's my opinion and this is what I would do if i could have my time over.

Now let's see what others think.

Andy

Oh Carton I do feel for you.

Welcome to Wiki I'm sure you don't want to be here but you'll be so glad you found it.

There are lots of us out there who know just how you are feeling.
It's the best diet ever, but you do need to eat and keep yourself well. If you eat anything make sure it's good for you.
Don't look to far ahead take it from day to day. Plan things you can do with your children not at great expense but your time is the important thing.
If you can throw yourself into finding a job that would be great.
In the end you can only do the best you can. It will be hard but like us all you will get through it.
Good luck to you and keep posting. You'll get loads of support on here