Hi all. Wife wants to seperate.

Lostboy67 wrote:

Hi
Really your best path forward for the moment is to focus on the children and contact with them and nothing else. There is no rush at the moment you can simply take your time and wait for now.
There is not a great deal of point in a Separation Agreement, if you want one of those you may as well go straight for divorce. I suspect that since you did not leave the FMH her ''master plan'' has been thrown a little hence her reluctance to discuss things with you, she has to work out what to do since you failed to fall in line.

LB

I think this is the best advice for you for now like you''ve said just sit tight and see what happens. I know every situation is different but you are only a matter of a few weeks in so cannot rationally make any real decisions as you''re head is not in the right place.

Like has been said concentrate your efforts on the kids and your access to them. Ensure you have a SO set-up for CM, ensure day to day finances are sorted that sort of thing. Everything else can wait IMHO until you are in a better place and the dust has settled so to speak.

I''m not sure if it''s a ''bloke'' thing but I was similar in wanting to get a plan in place, sorting long term finances out etc etc but you really do need to take a step back and take the approach that what will be will be.

Good luck

Dynaclive,

Work out what 25% of you take home is for 4 kids and only pay her that.
Don''t give her more or top it up.
Because believe me once they are used to getting the £500 she will expect it all the time.She won''t thank you for it anyway.It''s for the kids.
You get no say whatsoever in how they spend it either and she''ll still expect it even when you end up on your rse having to pay to rent a house and she''s shacked up with the new fella with his income your 25% tax free the tax credits and the child benefit.
So pay the minimum because you have to, any extra keep for yourself to spend on you or the kids as you see fit.
You''ll be having to pay the mortgage and all the bills on your own at the family home in the meantime.You''ve got two hopes of her contributing to that Bob and No.
You also what all these women forget is have to pay for the kids when they are with you every other weekend(they don''t come with a refund).
I never bothered knocking off the 2/7ths personally for the every other weekend and weeknight I saw the kids because I never wanted the access to kids vs money scenario to come into play.
Remember whatever you pay the first time she will always expect.
Result she''s fecked off out the house at least you ain''t got the double whammy of finding a £1000 month rent and paying her the 25% child maintenance and the mortgage whilst she drags her rse stalling on a financial settlement.
Don''t bother wasting your breath talking to her or trying to sort it out.
She ain''t to be trusted whatever you say it may agree verbally and then will renege on it anyway saying she felt pressurised and bullied and that you were controlling.
Believe me adulterous women are looking for their last big payout when they''ve cashed their chips in.So they never agree to feck all because they are always like the dog with the bone wanting the next bigger bone and wondering if they could get more.
Get out your head it''s your wife and mother of your children old bollox.Yes all the nice blokes still think it.But basically it''s an old droopy drawered liar who prefers a different flavour of sausage to your wall''s.That''s a bit too boring for her nowadays.
Take a month off from doing anything about it minimum.Sit tight in the house and thank God that the financial hardship ain''t as bad yet as what it will be to come.
Enjoy your weekends with your kids get some counselling to get your head round that your wife is now your enemy and out to screw you over.Get some social activities going.
Don''t even bother talking about the finances act as if you couldn''t care less.Because it''s all a waste of breath anyway.
All the best
HRH x

What HRH forgot to say that he is always right and he always is. Good advice. Dont make a rod for your own back. The payments will kill you otherwise. C.

I agree with the sentiment that she doesn''t want to talk as she''s not sure what to ask for as I am sure you''ve caught her off guard by staying put.

She will get rehoused relatively quickly as she''s not staying in particularly suitable housing currently. She''ll be able to claim benefits, get help with rent and yes, for now, you most definately reduce what you pay her to 25% of your nett.

You have offered her a compromise, living together, talking, working on things whilst this all happens but she has called your bluff and moved out.

My point, SHE CHOSE THIS.

Good Advice, thanks.

I will change the value, I am currently in my probationary period with my new job and not paying into a pension. Soon I will be paying into a pension fund so I will take that in to consideration.

I have direct debits on my account for her car insurance etc, I am guessing I should tell her to re-arrange these?

I think my head is in a good place considering.

Thanks, all the best to you all.

Well happy tonight, my girls are all tucked up in bed. Girls were very happy/excited to see me.

It will be a very good weekend!

Still no communication from the wife/stbx but that doesn''t matter at the moment.

Thanks everybody......

I can only say ''what a nice bloke you are'' and I''m sorry it hasn''t worked out for you the way you would have liked it. You seem to have tried to do everything right from the start for your family and it beats me why it is so unappreciated. It always seems the person who''s the ''innocent'' party comes off worse.

In your shoes I would be working out what my expenses were going to be because you have to live to.

Financially no one wins in a divorce and we''ve all got issues from that. I''m an ex wife and I know my husband would say ''she''s got it all'' but of course, that''s rubbish. I have some of it for a short time and actually my ex does very well thank you despite what he declared!

I really admire the fact that you have tried to be so fair to your children and to her. I think women like her get taken in by the popular lie that ex wives can take you to the cleaners and get it all. The can''t whatever anyone says on here. Wives like me who have been left do not get it all by any means and very often our children suffer.

I''m glad you refused to move out. This was not your fault so why should you?

The best thing I did was go straight to a solicitor. I got recommendations and it cost me a lot. I shuffled fees around on credit cards to avoid paying interest. Lock the money down so you can''t be taken advantage of.

However, bear in mind that women can use children to control their exes but men use their financial advantages as weapons against their exes and they are actively encouraged to do it. My exes wife is the b**** from hell - I digress!

Just bear that in mind when you take advice because both parties suffer and so do the kids.

CAB and mediation I found a waste of time and money and very often got the wrong advice due to someone else''s personal bias.

The decisions you made as a family eg it sounds as though she didn''t work because you both felt that was right for your children. You need to discuss that. If it''s right for your kids yesterday, it''s right today but don''t be mugged. When you are sorting this out it might be worth an agreement that she retrains for a career that will help pay her way otherwise if she is stuck in a dead end badly paying job you might end up with further problems in support and by then you may be in a different position yourself. For her to do that you might have to take on more child care, etc. It isn''t just one person''s responsibility to sort the future.

Plenty of us wives on here supported our husbands as they developed their careers, often uprooting out families and sadly at our own expense and to our disadvantage.

As to accessif she has got another fella she''ll be only too pleased you are doing your share.

My advice - be civil (as is clear you are), don''t use money as a weapon, be honest, be fair especially to your kids. I guess I would like to see that you''ve paid a decent amount to support the children and if you trust her to spend the money on their welfare and needs (which includes rent, bills, etc) then fair enough. Keep some money to spend on them when they visit and do things for them, buy things they need as well. I don''t mean massive birthday and christmas presents cos kids do end up often with two of these but for example, take them out and buy a nice pair of jeans, a pamper time, etc and maintain that pocket of money that is solely for your children from your first marriage when you start a new relationship.