A short introduction ? Take a deep breath....

I just need to get all this off my chest, if anyone has any constructive comments to make I’m all ears as this situation is eating away at me.

Firstly, can you read this without judgement ? Otherwise I’ll have to spend pages not exactly trying to justify my position but explaining how my wife and I got to this point over several years, and several attempts at making each other aware we needed to change things. And failing.

I met ‘another woman’ about twelve months ago. We got on instantly, and it wasn’t long before we felt like we’d known each other for ever.

At first, it was just coffee at the local pool. I swam at the same time her kids were training with the local club, we’d chat while she waited for them to finish. Then I had 6 weeks off work with a bad back, which strangely forced me to spend nearly every day on the move, so I’d walk or cycle somewhere to meet her for lunch. And this became a habit, and we couldn’t wait to see each other again.

So much so, we decided we’d like to spend an evening together, just a few drinks and maybe a meal under the cover of our repsective work Xmas parties which coincided. It didn’t seem that adulterous at the time, we’d never talked about making our relationship a physical one, but we kept it from our respective partners.

Arrangements were made by email, and it was then that she discovered her husband (who’s an IT support professional) had been hacking into her email, and retrieveing deleted email from her hard drive. We didn’t actually end up meeting, but he confronted her with the emails and very kindly turned up on my doorstep hammering on the door nitent on telling my wife just what he thought he’d discovered. She wouldn’t listen to him so he sent copies to her in the mail.

We both confessed to the ‘secret’ meetings, insisted it was not an ‘affair’, just a good friendship and set out not to do it again.

And so it began, several attempts at ending it failed. One painful goodbye lasted just a few hours.

Meanwhile her husband just would not let it go and night after night would keep her up for hours interrogating her about the meeting that never happened, where she’d been, who she’d been talking to. He’d steal her phone from her handbag to check it, when she locked it he’d swap the SIM card for his so he could check her inbox for texts. Several requests to work at the marriage ensued, he insisted on her never seeing me again, even accidentally in the pool, she wouldn’t give up our friendship.

So he began to say he’d leave. The day before I went on my summer holiday she rang to say he’d turned up at her work and told her he was leaving. She didn’t reply and he left. That evening he picked up their kids from childcare as usual. Two weeks later, the night before they went on tehir holiday, he marched the kids into the kitchen and told them their parents were splitting up, the kids wept all night.

They went on holiday the next day, he spent the entire week claiming it was a mistake and begging for another chance. She refused. He’d forced her into my arms, and we’d fallen in love. The ball was rolling, we thought.

But then her husband refused to leave because she wasn’t in love with me, and the nightly questioning resumed until one night he woke her up in the small hours for more questioning and she blurted it out.

You would have thought that would be enough to convince him, but then he moved on to denying it because we hadn’t slept together. And it continued for weeks, her telling him he had said he was leaving, had told the kids and was time to go. Him asking for another chance to make it work and being told no.

The tipping point came a cpl of weeks ago. For no apparent reason, it was just another day, he decided to pay me a visit to explain to my wife that his own partner was in love with me. I stopped him on the driveway and asked him to leave. He refused so having said I’d phone the police if he didn’t go, I dialled 999 and managed to ask for ‘police’ before he went beserk and attacked me, kicking me to the ground.

He was arrested for assault and charged. She threw him out of the house. My wife now knew everything and it was just a case of when me and her could finally be together, surely it couldn’t be long. You’d think.

He snuck back into the house after a few days by getting the kids to let him in, only leaving after she nearly screamed the place down. He had no reason to return, he was staying in a relatives house, rent free, but he was adamant this was ‘his house’ and she was scared.

In between all these events, his texts and emails to her, and conversations have swung from pure bile and vitriol to a blind assertion they can work things out despite her repeating she wanted nothing but me.

Needless to say after a cpl more attempts at being let in by the kids, he finally refused to leave. She left the house but when she went home hours later he was still there, still suggesting they should try again.

And so that situation continues into its second week, he’s living in one room, she’s in another, they’re splitting the kids and household duties about 80/20 so his feet are well and truly under the table. She thinks he’s finally recognised they’re splitting up, he’s still wanting to talk things through in between being physuically, verbally and emotionally aggressive towards her.

They have started to agree some childcare split, have agreed to sell the house, but it needs work and that could take months, then it’ll be an even worse time to sell so spring looks more likely. Then we have to allow her kids some time to get over it, and then some to get used to the idea of me being around.

We’re desperate to be together but she won’t leave the kids, and he won’t leave the house. After the initial relief of it all being blown out in the open, I’m in limbo. My wife has vented her spleen, has refused to accept my offer to leave but has said nothing to the kids and also hasn’t even hinted she wants us to stay together. I know it’s an impossible dream but I want to cause her the least pain possible.

So, desperate to be together but with work, kids and trying not to rock the boat in our respective and bizarre home lives we’re struggling to find time to be together. She’s still getting a rough time from her husband but refusing my offers to rent her somewhere to go to aviod traumatising her kids by moving them. I can’t bear to hear her tell me every day of his latest bullying or blackmailing move, or what he’s said to, or in front of, the kids.

I want to leave and rent a place of my own so I can see more of her but with her house sale and separation schedule lasting into next year and no prospect of her husband taking his full share of domestic responsibilities I can’t see the point. But I can’t stand the atmosphere at home. Losing my kids is the only thing keeping me there.

Today I offered her the option of just focussing on sorting ourselves out separately. Something I’d been reading up on in the forum and it seemed to work well. She melted at the suggestion, she’s not strong enough to survive the onslaught from her husband without my support and terrified she’ll lose me forever.

I don’t know what to do next. Every day is the same day, we talk on the phone, we struggle to meet face to face even for 15 minutes. And every day the idea that her husband strolls into her house having forced his way back in and then thinks he has the right to give her a hard time drives me mad. It’s not that long since he stopped asking her for sex, and I mean asking. Apparently that’s typical of the way their marriage has been, she has had her ‘duties’ to perform. It makes me sick to even think about it.

When we’re together it’s just fantastic, not perfect she drives me bonkers with some stuff but I see that as a good sign we still have things to learn about each other and to grow as a couple. Somehow the last 20 years we’ve both been married to another were some warped twist of fate.

We’re just not finding the time to share together, and it’s a strain. After all the false dawns of him threatening to leave then not going, to finally getting him out of the house after the assault, then to the sheer desolation of him forcing his way back in and staying put until God knows when. My moving out will make no difference.

I don’t know what to do, I’m spending too much energy and sleep worrying about what her bullying and controlling husband will come up with next, and the fact that he’s still in the house. We promised each other from now on all we’d talk about was us, but all we talk about is him, what he’s done or said to her now and how the kids are reacting.

I want to be there for her, I feel she’s not there for me because of him still. I can’t phone or text her when she’s at home because she wants to keep me secret from the kids and he goes off on one when he thinks she’s talking to me. I’m trying not to be resentful about it, but I want her to make it very clear to him they’re separated, she says she has but he doesn’t seem to accept that to this day.

Blimey - what a dog-awful situation to be in. Have no advice for you - just sympathy. Take care of yourself. If its meant to be it will be - but you will probably have to go through hell and back before you 'get there'!

Hi Welcome to Wiki,
I is a very long post, large amount to take in.
Couple of things I would like to ask.

How are both sets of children coping with this tragedy?
It must have a massive impact on them, if not now, it will in the future.


Has she told you if this has happened before, it is just that his constant nagging and pressure of her husband makes it sound one of utter frustration?

I know these things do happen, but it is such a shame for two families to suffer in this way. Are you sure you and your wife cannot work things out between you?

You cannot control how this man behaves. You cannot control how she behaves. You cannot control how your wife behaves, but you can control how you behave.

I know you want what is best, but whatever happens it will hurt your wife, your children, your new partner's children and her husband. He's hurting and feeling powerless which is why he is exercising his temper.

If you cannot give her up then you must work towards doing something to be together. She says she is staying because of her children, and doesn't want to move elsewhere because of them, but if they must be aware of what is going on between their parents and it can't be pleasant.

Similarly, your children must be aware of what is going on. Just carrying on as you are is doing no one any good. You need to decide if you want to save your marriage and if not, you should leave, sort out things as amicably as possible with your wife about finances and childcare, and then see what happens.

It won't be easy.

Thanks folks, I feel better already.

I maybe didn't make it clear that my 'lover' and her husband although sharing the same house will be selling up and splitting up. He's having difficulty coming to terms with that, and is still trying to control her in every way possible bar physical restraint.

And it's the use of the kids that worries me the most - they came home in tears the other day because their mum didn't join them for dinner. This was a day they were supposed to spend with their dad, mum stayed out of the house as agreed but because he hadn't cooked anything he took them out for tea at the last minute, and got them to phone her and ask if she'd come too. She stood firm on their agreement, then he phoned her later from the restaurant and in front of the kids gave her a load of abuse because there was no tea ready for them at home.

And that seems to be symptomatic of the marriage they've had. I suppose it works for some people but when you have two people working full time and three kids you'd think there'd have been a little more give and take.

On my side, my wife has had a dark cloud hanging over her since the police came round and the truth was finally out. Understandably so. She wrote me a long letter, which was very painful to read but I'm strangely relieved that a lot of the stuff she mentioned were things I'd brought up before but she/we have not managed to fix. She hasn't talked about this at all, stopped wearing her wedding rings.

I don't know if she's slowly coming to a decision about what she's going to do, or waitnig for me to tell her what I'm going to do. With my co-conspirator on an indefinte timeline, I just don't know whether I should make a clean berak now, and end up on my own for 6 months, losing the kids, my home and everything else.

I know tehre is no magic answer. My kids are oblivious, and I want to keep it that way as far as possible.

markovandee wrote:

We’re desperate to be together but she won’t leave the kids, and he won’t leave the house........

........When we’re together it’s just fantastic, not perfect she drives me bonkers with some stuff

Hi Marko:
You asked can we read without being judgmental? Usually I can, and being a Wiki user for over a year; I cannot recall a post that made me so angry!

You say "we're desperate to be together" but her actions of staying put; going on holiday with her husband, and her overall reluctance to find solutions leave me to feel that she's a lot less desperate than you are.

It really is none of your business how 'he' treats his wife, and how they conduct THEIR marriage; their home, their family and the (possible) breakdown of that unit.

For you to assume that because his wife copped-off-with-a-bit-on-the-side down the local pool that 'he' should be automatically ousted from his home, seperated from the wife and kids he loves; is completely unrealistic, arrogant and I see no reason he should go to make life more convenient for you two!

There are legal channels. If 'she' is so inconvenienced by this man, she can file for an Occupation Order (incl Non-Molestation Order) allowing a judge to decide if he should leave his home. (You refer to it as 'her' home only)

My personal feeling is there is hope for their marriage. A lot better hope for them, than for you. Her ex is FIGHTING FOR HER and CLINGING ON TO HOPE.

Your ex wife is obviously resigned to things not being right; perhaps if you'd invested the time and energy into your own marriage; meeting for coffees, lunches etc; you too might still have a marriage worth saving. How long you think your kids are going to remain 'oblivious' to the situation, God only knows!

It takes a damn sight longer than a few weeks to end a marriage; especially where one person is not ready to hear it. I don't blame your lovers husband for staying put. In his eyes; his bored wife has met a man, is having an affair, even if not yet physical, it is the time spent together, (an 'emotional' affair) but an AFFAIR none-the-less.... and he has every right to hope and pray that his marriage will withstand this possible hic-up.

You sound far too desperate to be planning a new life with this woman when neither of you has sevred ties with your respective spouses. You sound desperate to jump from one person to another. You are not in a well space to be thinking straight, let alone complicating the lives of innocent children because of the stirring of your loins! (Sorry - no delicate way of saying that!) You must look very good in Speedos down that pool!

You say that you don't know what to do. My advice is you worry about your own family. The devastation this will cause to your children, and I advise you care a lot less about your lovers husband. I'm sure when he's not provoked beyond endurance, that he's not normally bashing down peoples doors and getting arrested.

I don't advocate violence, but you getting a good kicking for interfering with his wife can bring out the worst in quite sane individuals. Even if he was violent to his wife; that is for her to ask the Police for help, or to instruct a Court to put into place the correct restraining orders. Bottom line: It doesn't sound like she's in any rush to leave her home, or to start a future with you.

If you wish to end YOUR marriage. Go ahead. If you wish to be alone for the next six months; go ahead. (You need space between these things!) Divorce takes around 18 months to deal with. There is a tough road ahead for you and your family....and that's when us lot at Wiki can really help you.

IF when you find yourself with some clear head-space (ie: not acting our of fear or confussion) and IF your lover is also in a well-space to move on, then just maybe you do have a future together.

Just be warned that the things that may niggle now (the stuff that drives you bonkers) will drive you even more bonkers when confronted with it 24/7.

This whole situation sounds more like a fight between two aggreived men; and I'm sure Bored Housewife at the kids swimming club is lapping it up! Biding her time, even possibly enjoying the (negative) attention she's getting from her husband. She's got the best of both worlds, why would she change that!?

Aah yes, the voice of reason.

I've been trying to persuade my wife for 5 yrs things have not been right, we've not been sleeping together for three.

She threw her husband out after he was arrested for assault, he used his physical presence to re-enter the house and remain there. They have agreed to do up the house enough to sell it.

I apreciate he's having trouble coming to terms with it, as I came to terms with my marriage being over years ago. But it's not been a sudden occurrence, she's been telling him for months, only the assault brought things to a head.

Much as I appreciate the time and effort you put into your post, I don't need any more ill informed opinion. We all make mistakes, we're working through ours and are both continuing to make more I've no doubt.

What I had hoped to get was the benefit of the experience of this community to help all of us involved get through this with as little distress as possible. I realise 'little' is a poor word to use here, there is going to be a lot of crying in the months ahead.

But your bile and vitriol has presuaded me this is not the place to come to find a listening ear.

If this is just a community for angry people to vent their feelings then I ca offer tehm no support, and them none to me.

Thank you for bringing me to that realisation.