wife wants to leave me

Hi

I am in desperate need of help. My wife of 10 years (who ive known since school, and mother of our 2 preschoolers) wants to separate citing that she simply doesnt love me any more. we're both 36. I am devastated and dont know where to turn other than inwards. We had a similar issue a year ago but managed to work through - or so i thought with the help of my best and only real friend. I have not done anything badly wrong - just not done enough to nurture our relationship, despite loving her and our children deeply. I feel terrible that i've - again - let this happen and it looks like im not going to get another chance. we're both the kind of people who tend to bottle our feelings up.

I am terrified and ashamed of being on my own. She wants to make it as amicable as possible and if it has to come to this, so do I. but i'm so scared of what the future holds and don't know if i can (or want to) cope. since she just can't up and leave she is staying with me and intends to until we can find a permanent arrangement. I've spent the last 48hours crying like a baby and begging her to stay but she keeps citing examples of selfish behaviour on my part from up to several years ago and says she doesnt love me any more. I am selfish at times but i am not a bad person. I have always been happy with my life and now it's being removed from me. I'm scared i'm going to have a breakdown and end up making things worse.

she wants me to buy her out of her share of our houses equity and get a place nearby on her own and to let me see the kids 2 times a week, which i beleive is generous. i dont want to lose my home - i just want to stay here with my family. she doesn't hate me so there must still be something left to salvage. we didnt seek professional help last year but now i think we should have done, but she refuses any now. i think it might be too late but i just can't give up.

please help!

Feel for you. mate.
I was divorced four years ago, and the best advice I got from anybody was from my work collegue: remember that there is is a day when it will all be history, so just keep working the long path towards that. Its good that you appear to be on good terms, so don't let all the negative inputs from others get in the way of that - including that of the professionals, who can easily awake distrust and make a good start into bad blood. Once that happens, it takes a lot to stop it all getting very messy. If you can find someone with patience to listen make good use of them, but spread it around, its hard for others to be a constant single source of help. Emotions wise, you need to get yourself on an slightly more even keel before even starting the difficult business of the process itself, so allow yourself that first. Timeout is useful. Apply frequently in small amounts.

Hi Monstar, and welcome-

I dont think you will do any good at this stage by trying to pressurise your wife, as she clearly believes she has made up her mind.
But it MAT not be the end of things, so how you react now could make or break things.

Is it possible for you to suggest that you move out temporarily, so she and the children remain in the stable situation ? Have you a friend or family to go to ?
Can you ask her to consider counselling over the next few weeks ? She may feel more able to agree to it with you slightly removed.
ASk to continue daily contact with the children for the time being. Help her as much as possible.
Demonstrating that you respect her feelings, but still want the relationship to work, and giving her some space might help things.
Even if she does not change her mind, you will at least know that you have done all you can to rescue things and she cannot help but respect you dealing with things in a reasonable way, which, if the marriage does end, will at least pave the way for better future relations, especially concerning your children.

BTW, there is no reason to be ' ashamed" of being on your own- half the population is. It will just take some adjusting to if it happens.

Hi, welcome to Wiki!

I think the "i don't love you anymore" is a very commen theme..it's what they say when they can't put a finger on anything particular.

My ex used the same line..and we have 3 small boys. He apparently bottled up how he had felt and said it hadn't been right for ages (I thought we were fine!)

You can't make someone love you and you can't make someone want to be with you. I begged mine to come back as I felt the same desperation as you do! I didn't want to be on my own and I certainly couldn't see a future without him..I suggested counselling etc..but tbh he wasn't interested..said there was no point. Sometimes things really can't be fixed.

You DO get past that stage..things change, things move on. You need to cry your heart out and sit and think about what steps to take next.

I'm now seperated 5 months and honestly can say it's not that bad now! Life is just taking a different direction.

Hold on to the positives from your marriage which is your two children and the happy memories that you have. For all that my stbx has done I don't hate him either, that doesn't mean a marriage is salvagable thou. It just means your wife has moved on.

Take care babes and come into chat everyone is here to support you.

Puds xx

Hi Monstar

Same thing happened to me 6 months ago, and now we are going through the D - not much I can say except that as a lot of people here will attest to, once one party wants out, then it's pretty much a given that it'll end.

Interesting about the bottling up bit - same thing happened to us

Keep posting

dd

Hi thanks for your kind responses.

I could stay with my parents maybe. my mum is on the final stages of recovery from a nervous breakdown caused in part from last year's marital issues and we've decided to hold off telling her until the weekend as she has some important family events. my parents adore my wife and children and i just feel sick that i have to put her through the emotional wringer again. for 2 days i've been walking around like a ghost in my own house, crying and trying to talk to my wife who is acting prett much as if nothing is happening. i cry and say im sorry and she cries and says she's sorry too.

i've told my employer im taking some holiday as i just cant face people. my friend effectivelly saved my marriage last year with some well placed advice but it wont work a second time. i really feel like i have no other person to turn to right now, which is why i decided to post here. reading the other topics makes me feel i'm not alone, so thank you all.

my stbx was also the same at first - we both cried, but she gradually changed and now maintains a silence, calls me an idiot when I try to talk about the kids..... she's really quite horrible and not the woman I married, and I wouldn't want to go back if there was a chance of sorting out the marriage, which there isn't

Go to your GP, tell him all and he'll probably give you some medication to help you sleep (which I found the hardest) also he'll probably sign you off with stress (I got 2 weeks), so you won't have to use your leave which shall be useful later on to spend time with the children..

dd