never thought Iwould be on wikivorce

Good evening or shall I say good morning daleray,

I can hardly beleive my own predicament let alone anyonelse's...I am sad to say once again that to know that I am not "the only on" makes me feel ..better...Why should it be so?
I also ,despite all the feelings that I had for my husband truly feel that I must be better off without him.In fact after the past few months I have come to the conclusion that I am "pleased" that he did this to me rather than the opposite.
For, I don't think I would Have been able to leave with myself if I had done to him what he did to me.
I am glad that you obviously feel better after what happened to you.
I hope I will feel that way too...
Roxie

Roxie wrote:

Good evening growingrose
Thanks for taking the time to write to me.
It is true that I am experiencing emotions that I am even ashamed of...

((Roxie))

Shame..... A crippling emotion, brings you to your knees, crushes you, keeps you from holding your head up.
Shame that your marriage collapsed, shame that you were not 'good enough' for him, shame about everything and anything.
Your emotions will hold you to ransom and leave you struggling to survive, however, do not despair, there is light at the end of the tunnel.

What have you got to be ashamed of?? Why are you ashamed that your husband is a coward and a liar and treated you with contempt? Why are you ashamed that you have been left to pick up the pieces of a broken life? Why should you feel any negative emotions that reflect back upon you? You shouldn't... simple to say, not easy to implement. I struggled with shame and guilt, it eventually took DV counselling to make me realise that I was not responsible for his actions. I did not force my ex to do what he did, the shame and the guilt are his burdens not mine.
Once I could see this, I could deal with sadness, pain, rejection, loss, grief, worthlessness, fear, etc. etc.
I suppose what I am trying to say, is that you have enough overwhelming emotions to deal with, without shouldering his burdens too.
Try and hold your head up, do not stare at the pavement and feel shame for something you had no control over.
If you need some strength, come to any of us here on wiki, we can give you some of ours. If you need friendship, love, kindness or caring, come to any of us here on wiki and we will lift you up, soothe what hurt we can and hold your hand.
AND, if you ever need a kick up the rear, there are plenty of us here that will help with that too.

Be gentle with yourself, strive to be happy.

Sending you love and hugs

xxxx

Hello Roxie,

I am sorry to read about what has happened to you, and countless others, on this site. You have thousands of new friends here who understand what you are going through. Knowing you are not alone, that what you are feeling is entirely 'normal', that in fact, your ex's behaviour is also entirely 'normal' in these situations is, as you point out, a great comfort. For me, the wonderful thing about this site is that I can go through the same old stuff, again and again, and no one rolls their eyes, yawns or looks bored with my obvious inability to come to terms with what has happened to me! Friends and family have been great, don't get me wrong, but unless you've been there, you have no idea. Everyone here has the idea, that's for sure.

Take care of yourself. It does get better - I am finding myself,just in these last few weeks, emerging from this crap some 10 months later with a new energy and an acceptance that I am a) well rid and b) never going to understand. My stbx is particularly awful and his life is on the edge at the moment - I am sitting back on the moral highground and am about to watch him implode! Sad it has come to this, but there is satisfaction in knowing what goes around comes around.

Pop into chat - lots of friendly people who will pull you through the darker moments, but who also want to make new friends and have a laugh. Blogging also helps and posting in the forums is a lifeline. Take care xxxx

Hi Kiria

Everything that you wrote about "shame " is true,for me anyway.
I had all those feelings because of him.I did seek and got medical and professional help and to my surprise it made me feel much better.It shows to me that I have underestimated a lot of things before...
The feeling of shame that I was refering to is about what I would do to him.Never before have I had such horrible thoughts...I won't get into that. I wanted revenge.
Whislt this idea consumed my thoughts for weeks I also found that it did not make me feel good .

Ironically one day I was reading a newspaper and came accross a proverb about revenge:" He who seeks revenge must dig 2 graves. One for his enemy and one for himself." I now cocentrate on getting better and I am no longer plotting .....
Thanks for all your kind words. Roxie

Hi mumtoboys,

You said it all...Like you, I have fantastic fiends that have showed me great support same with my family despite the fact that my family are too emotional about the all thing.
I find myself more often than not reassuring them as they are so worried about my situation. I can't bear the insults towards my husband neither the various reasons that they think "he left me for...".
I find it pointless. However I allow myself only one insult for him:COWARD. Sometimes I add an appropriare swear word attached to it....
Reading you I feel better since you seemed to have moved on . Whatever you do towards your "recovery" keep on doing it.. Thank you for your support.
Roxie

Hi, Brunswick here. Loved your post. I do am some 9 months down the road and watching my stbx rolling in a pile of poo!

She thinks I should be mature about what she has done and move on - don't you just love them!

My light glows brighter each day and I know I am the "right" one in all of this and did not ask for the pain and hurt she has piled on me and my boy's.

It is so true - what comes round, comes round.

Brunswick.

Hi Roxie

Having no desire for revenge is a really good thing for a comfortable recovery from your trauma. Why should two people feel like crap for treating each other disrespectfully. I go along with that one.

Take care
NGirly