never thought Iwould be on wikivorce

Roxie,

I am so touched by your humility. I am trying to forgive my wife for her terrible actions but right now I simply cannot nor can my boy's - we are so hurt!

My wife has simply lost all sense of right but canot see it and as a consequence her actions are extreme, hence our inability to forgive right now.

I never speak wrong of her in front of my boy's (they know what she has done) but she thinks she can just walk back into our lives at any level without acknowledging the carnage she created.

How do we forgive or will Father Time do it for us?
Brunswick.

I am not sure you ever have to forgive exactly. But if there are children, there needs to be some kind of truce - I am working on this but find it hard. I just want him to feel what I have felt and he doesn't, not at all. But I also know his life is a mess and that he's not coping at any level with anything. I no longer feel sorry for him on that level - I can shrug my shoulders and say 'his problem'. A few weeks ago it felt like my problem too. But it isn't. Not at all.

mumtoboys- that is exactly where I am with my ex. She knows she has has thrown away and lost everything but does not have the courage to admit it or say sorry. I can see that her life is descending into a mess and a small bit of me says "it's deserved".

As for a truce we hardly see each other and both my boy's have so pushed back against her.

Frankly, I am just not ready to see her, meet her or talk to her. Is that wrong?
Brunswick

Not at all! I am pretty sure my stbx and I will never talk about this - if we did, he would have to face up to it. He has suggested several times that we meet to 'talk' but at the last minute, he pulls out, usually because I demand he take responsiblity for the children (no money now in 10 months...) so I get told I have 'attitude' and that talking is therefore 'pointless'.

We engaged yesterday evening in a heated discussion via e-mail. At 11pm I found myself laughing - if he was happy,what the hell is he doing wasting an evening arguing with the ex over e-mail for?!!! And more to the point, what the hell was I doing?!!

I have said my final goodbyes. I have no idea what is going to happen but even if I am on my own for the rest of it, better than with a man who was prepared to throw away everything and anything we ever had. Better than being with a liar. Better than being with someone who could only look after his own needs.

Here, here!

It is funny that after a period of time those that were hurt gain strength and those that betray find life getting difficult.

I think my wife will privately regret her actions for the rest of her life. What on earth was she thinking?

Have a great day.
Brunswick.

I suppose in the long run it is easier in a way on us who have been "dumped" because we just have to deal with whats thrown at us, we have no choice, we don't have to wonder if we have done the right thing and have the feelings of what if.

libra 1975
Yes that is very true . I do feel however that personally I want to do the right thing as regard to my reactions to all this mess.
I want to remain dignified strong and above all in control.
I have said to my friends and family from day one that whislt my coward husband has ruined my life as it was and as WE planned it was going to be; only I can make sure that he does not ruin my life from now on.
It is very hard but I am determined and will do my upmost to achieve that .
You know ,I have often heard women (even more so now..) say that men are B.....S because they leave you.
I actually don't share that point of view.
Why on earth would I want my husband to stay with me when he does not want to ?
That said ,I do think they are B.....S when they do what mine as done ie: leave sovernight without any previous signs of their intentions or any marital problems that they cared to voice, without even having the decency to tell you.
It baffles me...
I guess one has to be strong, the question is how can we cope? I did by doing things I was not proud of and others that I was very pleased to embrace.None of wich I ever thought in a million years that I would do.
Take care . Roxie