HAVE A LAUGH

A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.

“Oh dear, what's the bad news?” asks the patient.

The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”

“That's terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”

The doctor replies, “I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.”

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door saying:

"Nerds Not Allowed—Enter At Your Own Risk!"

He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him. "You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?"

"I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I'm hauling."

"Okay, truck drivers are not nerds," he says and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long.
The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver is totally shocked.

"Why did you do that?"

"Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license."

The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers.They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen!

He can't let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.
A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

"What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season," says the truck driver.

"Well, sure," says the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em!"

The wonders of modern medicine

An Israeli doctor said "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks".

A German doctor said, "That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks".

A Russian doctor said, "In my country, medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heartfrom one prson, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks".

The English doctor said, "Hah! We can take an a***hole out of Scotland, put him in 10 Downing Street and have half the country looking for work within twenty-four hours".

Zara

A women was at the undertaker's arranging her late husband's funeral.
"Do you have any special requests?" asked the undertaker.

"Well, he was bold and never went anywhere without his wig, but everytime I put it on his head, it slides off" she said.

"I'll sort it out. Come back in an hour", he said.

So an hour later she returned and the wig was perfectly placed on the dead man's head.

"Oh thank you, she said, "You must let me pay you something for that, and I won't take no for an answer".

The undertaker said, "Well, just give me a quid for the nails then".

Apparantly this is one of the top jokes in Scotland


I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.

Not screaming in terror like his passengers

Found these the other day when looking for some quotes for a presentation at work:

funny quotes prince phillip quotes and gaffes

Also known as the 'consort's clangers'..

(1967 When asked if he would like to visit the Soviet Union) "The bastards murdered half my family.."

(1981 A comment during the UK's recession) "Everybody was saying we must have more leisure. Now they are complaining they are unemployed.."

(1982 To Solomon Islanders, on being told that their population growth was 5% a year) "You must be out of your minds.."

(1984 On receiving a gift from a Kenyan native woman) "You are a woman aren't you?.."

(1986 To a group of British students in China) "If you stay here much longer you'll all be slitty-eyed.."

(To a Cayman Islander) "Aren't most of you descended from pirates?.."

(c. 1990 To a British expat in Hungary) "You can't have been here that long, you haven't got a potbelly yet.."

(c. 1990, attributed, allegedly when replying to a question as to what type of work he did) "I am self-employed.."

(1995 To a Scottish driving instructor in Oban) "How do you keep the natives off the booze for long enough to pass their test?.."

(1998 To a student who'd trekked in Papua New Guinea) "You managed not to get eaten then?.."

(1988, in The Observer) "I don't think a prostitute is more moral than wife, but they are doing the same thing.."

(1999 On seeing a fuse box while being shown around an Edinburgh factory) "It looks as though it was put in by an Indian.."

(2002 To a school band in Cairns, Australia) "You were playing your instruments weren't you?, or do you have tape recorders under your seats?.."

(2002 To an Aboriginal man on Australia's Tjapukai Aboriginal Cultural Park) "Do you still throw spears at each other..?

(2002 Commenting during the Jubilee tour) "If you travel as much as we do you appreciate how much more comfortable aircraft have become. Unless you travel in something called economy class, which sounds ghastly.."

(2002 Commenting on the London traffic debate, after mayor Ken Livingstone forced through his plan to charge motorists £5 to enter the city) "The problem with London is the tourists. They cause the congestion. If we could just stop tourism we could stop the congestion.."

(Summer 2002 Aboard the floating restaurant 'Il Punto' on the river Orwell in Ipswich, after thoroughly enjoying an excellent full English breakfast) "French cooking's all very well, but they can't do a decent English breakfast.." (Il Punto is owned by Frenchman Regis Crepy..)

(2003 visiting a school, asking a tubby little boy what he wanted to be when he grows up, and being told, 'an astronaut') "You'll have to lose a bit of weight first.."