HAVE A LAUGH

Drivers License

A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date.
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns. It is not polite."
"OK," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
"Those are enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?"
And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
"Because you got an F in sex."

Saffy

This one made me cough with my coffee this morning....




A lorry driver breaks down on the M6 with a cargo of live monkeys on

board bound for Chester Zoo. They need to be delivered by 9:00 am and

the driver fears he will get the sack if they don't get there on time.



He decides to try and thumb a lift for his monkeys and eventually aan

Irish lorry driver pulls over. 'Where they going?' asks the Irish chap.



'Do us a favour mate and take these to Chester Zoo for me' says the

driver, 'and here's a hundred quid for your troubles.'



'Happy days,' says the Irish fella, loads the monkeys onto his truck and

gets on his way.



The lorry driver goes about trying to fix his truck and is there for a

good few hours when he notices the Irish fella coming back down the

motorway, still with all the chimps on board. Panicking, he flags him

down again. 'What are you playing at,' he fumes, 'I told you to take

them to Chester Zoo!'



'I did and we had a great time,' says the bemused Irish fella, 'but

there's still fifty quid left so we're going to Alton Towers

I would never have an affair........


I love my house too much!


lol

Kalamari

Paddy was driving home p*s*ed as a fart. Suddenly he had to swerve to avoid a tree, then another and another. A police car pulls him over as he swerves all over the road. Paddy tells the cop all about the tree's in the road. The cop says, "Bl**dy hell paddy, thats your air freshener".

A boy was walking along the street when a car pulls up.

The man driving the car says "I'll give you £10 and a bag of sweets if you get in the car".

The boy says "no way".

The man then says "How about £50 and a bag of sweets?".

The boy says to him "Will you go and leave me alone".

The man then offers the boy £100 and a bag of sweets.

The boy then says "No chance dad, you bought the Skoda. You live with it".