HAVE A LAUGH

A man applies for a job at the Post Office. The interviewer asks "Are you allergic to anything?"

He says, "Yes caffeine".

"Have you ever been in the service?"

"Yes" he says "I was in Iraq for two years".

The interviewer says, "That will give you five extra points toward employment," and then asks, "Are you disabled in anyway?"

The guy says "Yes, 100 percent - an IED exploded near me and blew one of my testicles off".

The interviewer tells the guy , "Ok in that case, I can hire you right now. The normal hours are from 8am to 4pm. You can start tomorrow at 10am - and plan on starting at 10am everyday".

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8am to 4pm, why don't you want me to be here before 10am?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says, "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching ourselves. No point in coming in for that".

A man arrives home from work and says to his wife, "Quick, get me a pint before it starts".

She gets him his pint, which he downs in one, then he says, "Quick, get me another before it starts".

Again, she gets it and he downs it in one, he then says, "And another, before it starts".

The wife can't take anymore and says, "Listen you thick, fat prat. You walk in, sit down and start barking orders at people. Who the hell do you think you are?"

The man says "Hell, it's started".

A blind man with a seeing eye dog at his side walks into a grocery store. The man walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the tail, and starts swinging the dog around in circles over his head. The store manager, who has seen all this, thinks this is quite strange. So, he decides to find out what's going on. The store manager approaches the blind man swinging the dog and says, "Pardon me. May I help you with something." The blind man says, "No thanks. I'm just looking around."

A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, "Ketchup!"

Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired.
"Bad day at the course?" his wife asked.
"Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee."
"Oh, that's awful!"
"You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry."

Joan spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel.
She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.
She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs.
She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
"What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."

Good Question
Bob couldn't believe it -- he'd made it to the last round of his favorite game show. "Congratulations, Bob," said the emcee. "Answer correctly and you go home with five million dollars!
"This is a two-part question on American history," he continued. "The second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like first?"
Bob figured he'd play it safe. "I think I'll try the second part of the question first."
The emcee nodded approvingly, while the audience was silent with anticipation.
"Okay, Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen?"