On the verge

thanks
turns out it was her bl**dy sister who screwed it up by telling her not leave and to fight all the way.
ive just spoken to her and told her i wont change the locks or empty the house and that its just making it harder on all of us if she doesnt give us time to sort everything out.
so now i'm waiting to see if she'll go or stay. the taxi is booked for 1 and the train goes at 1.30
if she stays it just makes it harder for me as i have no where to stay and work out all the affairs that need sorting out.

Hi Sonning-

Ive read through this thread, and I feel sorry for all of you.
However, one thing that strikes me throughout it- and I hope you will forgive my objective opinion- is that you very much want to control this situation.

You said you had created spreadsheets to show how finances would be after split.Does she have a say in this?

You had spoken with your son about arrangements before your wife.I expect she feels somehow betrayed about that now.

You dont want to discuss anything with her, but you object to her family not replying to your calls.
You want her to disappear to her parents, and/or move out of the home.
You are upset when your plans dont work.

Dear Sonning, this is hard for EVERYONE. It seems that, as usual, all parties concerned are fighting for their bit of control, which is standard reaction in these situations.
The primary concern must be for your sons. And that means this should be dealt with in a dignified way, for their sakes.
Your ex must be desperately confused and panic stricken now, as , on top of the emotional trauma, you point out that she does not have an independent income. May I ask how she was able to cancel YOUR card?
You will have to communicate with her, especially because your sons are involved. It is possible to stand your ground about splitting up whilst committing to do so in the way best for everyone.
You wanted to leave- perhaps it should be you, for the time being, who stays with family or friends. Could you suggest mediation or Relate at this preliminary stage? Relate help people going through a split as well as those wanting to repair, in my experience. As far as finances are concerned, if you cannot both agree, it will ultimately be decided in court- a long and expensive process.

thanks
yes it must appear i'm being a control freak but i'm offering to help her financially and will take on all the bills and she will have 800 pounds a month after her bills are paid.
I have spoken to Relate and suggested she do the same. I have tried to talk to her but she just keeps begging me to come back and wont except that its not why i want. We have been here too many times in the past and its not fair on anyone to repeat it again and again.
The card was cancelled because i set up an account and she was the primary holder so can overide secondary cards like mine.
Well i think the situation has just changed again and she might be going to stay with family so at least i can have some time to sort things out.

Feel so much for all of you, its such a hard time just hope things calm down a bit and when the smoke clears you can come to some clear decisions about the future so you can all move on, especially your son.

Take care

Cat

Quick update.
I'm having to overcome obstacles every step of the way and she hasnt made it any easier by spending £628 at tescos !
So when i went to open a new bank it got rejected because the phone bill hasnt been paid and they have issued a notice.
This will also mean that my reference check for the new place will fail leaving me up sh*t creek.
I'm trying everything to be nice about this and even booked sessions with a mediator / counsellor for when she gets back.
I'm running about like crazy sorting out the bills and everything so she wont have anything to worry about when she gets back and now because of the epic tescos bill i might not be able to secure a place.

you seem so determined that your marriage is over but your wife obviously doesn't want this. is there no way that you could try to work things out? do the counselling thing etc and see what happens...

weve been here so many times and pateched it together for another 6 months or 12 months and it just ends up like this again.
i'm not surprises she's holding on because being kept in her life of comfort must be hard to lose.
Not being nasty but just a few facts:
i cook most of the meals and do dishes etc
When i get home from work i sort out all the washing that i put on in the morning.
She's obsessed with prison penpals and spends between £200 - £300 a month on stamps and stationary.
Even lies about having to get money out for milk round the local shop and was buying more stamps.

She went to counselling but gave up after 2 sessions because she couldnt be bothered and to quote her "i dont have a problem"

I have tried and tried. I stayed when she was planning on running off to america behind my back. I stayed when she ran up 100's of pounds of debts.

I feel bad, really bad but its killing me living like this.