well you were right

tony213 wrote:

What a fool again , right back to the start , when will i learn?

Here and now. From now on. This is your lesson. Its an expensive class to attend and there are some exams to take. But you will pass out with straight A*''s. Cos you have to.

I was told it was my fault that we were splitting up. It was sudden. Everything was fine (except it never was) and there was no indications of anything wrong (there was but I was too dumb to see it). What I didn''t know is that she was having an affair with the new family friend. And I didn''t understand the signs. Secret phone. Going out to see friends. Unusual activity that we all now know is the hall marks of a cheater. And I was sent to relate. To confess my sins. I even confessed my sins to my boss I told him I was controlling and manipulative and I had caused my breakup.

So off I went like a good boy to relate. Officially, I went to relate 3 times. My ex called time on the appointments as she said "you need permission from me to talk about me" and that was that. I was blamed properly (she wouldnt go with me as it was me that caused this) now and that was the end of any help I may get. Except it wasnt. And I did something I am not proud of. I lied to my ex. I just want to say why I lied.

There was something wrong. The way the counsellor spoke to me and looked at this wretch before her. The questions she asked. And the final words. She said the word "projection" in a group of words. So I looked it up when I got back to work (I went during my lunch break). And my ex was very keen on what I said. And anything that smacked of me not being the guilty party was stamped on heavily. I am not going to describe projection. Leave that to wicki en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychological_projection


So I asked my sister to pay for me. She did. I had about 15 more visits and gradually it dawned on me that I was being manipulated into the fall guy for her actions. But I did continue to argue with the counsellor. Got heated at times. And unusual for a counsellor, she rammed the point home. You are the one being manipulated. And I began to question all the things that were said to me. Things that my ex reckons she told me and didnt. Events that she said happened, never did. And I seriously doubted my sanity sometimes. I have met many people that have said this to me. The ex makes you feel as if you are mad!!!

So I am going to save you some pain. I am going to say one thing to you. And I want you to listen to me. Its this:

You are not to blame. This is not your fault. No matter what she tells you, you didnt make her do this.

And you know what? Something that is very odd. All the time I was there, I was officially to blame. Except for one time. When I think she actually doubted what she was thinking. And I quote "I put you there (meaning where I had moved to) and you are not to blame. So from the horses mouth. Remember. You are not the cause of this. C.

What Marshy says is exactly right. You are not to blame. I was told time and again "we" had been unhappy for years, news to me. Stbx even said the same to kids, my son sometimes mentions it now "well you were unhappy for years weren''t you". I just let it go it is not said in malice from my son he is just repeating what his dad said to him.
Who stays with someone they are unhappy with for years and funny how they can leave when someone else appears on the scene.
Look after you and don''t listen to any more rubbish.

julie321 wrote:

You are not to blame. I was told time and again "we" had been unhappy for years, news to me.
Who stays with someone they are unhappy with for years and funny how they can leave when someone else appears on the scene.
Look after you and don''t listen to any more rubbish.

Hi Julie. Its like a standard set of sayings they use. If I was not good enough, why was I not told? If my ex was unhappy for years, its odd that she never told me. Except afterwards she reckoned she did. I would have remembered that one I am sure.

History gets re-written. We are demonised. And for what? They want rid of us? Tossed aside like an old sock. I know I am an old sock but hey C.

You lot could have wrote the script for my stbx.How did you know what she said ?Even down to the sanity bit , i actually questioned what i had just said ,not 6 mths agoe but 5 mins agoe ,it seems to end up like i said something completely different and only later in reflection i realise i never said it ,or ever anything like it ?
Again as you have all said ,all the years (9years) we spent together she has never told me it was all crap ,never was good ,and it all started wrong, thats why we are at this place . Why didn''t she tell me years ago ?
I know this is a rant but you all seem to understand so much about all of this rubbish surrounding me .
Even when i made a surprise visit to her bolt hole (which she needed to get her head straight and come back a better person for me)and caught her with a bloke , not in a clinch but she wouldn''t let me in and shot around to our home as soon as to explain it was just a friend who stayed overnight ( i went around for a coffee in the morning) ,blah blah blah...
She still convinced me that she loved me and everything was my fault e.g... she has been gone 4 months so i got my own bank account paid my wages into it last month moved some not a lot of our money into it to be able to pay bills on our home if she went on a spending spree ,now i am the monster who has destroyed our marriage .
have i gone mad ? do i salvage this marriage? or is all the above recommendations the way forward ? i know you guys and girls are looking out for me and i know i havnt listened to you wikis but it is so hard when she turns up and suggests a walk or a meal to talk about my faults .

Hi

If I were in your situation I would call time as the head games and re-writing of history will not a marriage save unfortunately

You can''t stay stuck while she dances around you with her own agenda. You won''t know whether you are coming or going.

The sensible thing to do would be to try and agree on a way forward with her which looks as though it will be separately, sad to say. If someone wants to be with someone then they will choose to - not live elsewhere. I don''t think you have all the facts at your disposal either. People often bend things to protect others.

I would ask her what she wants and if she prevaricates, there is your answer. in which case call time and tell her you want an amicable separation and divorce while you are still on relatively good terms.

Easy for me to say I know but better to rip off the plaster than keep picking at it for years. You deserve some closure and a way forward.

Good luck,

EA

You know yourself what you need to do. Your gut is telling you.

You will take advice from here and ignore it, I did.

If you are not Extremely careful you could easilly
be right where you are now in 12 months time.

If she wants you she would not only be living with you
but also moving heaven and earth to prove it.

Dont live in limbo, its hell.

Yes you are right ,it is hell ,one minute you think you have everything you wanted, the next it is the last thing you need .
Constantly i think the same thoughts as you have implicated .If she wanted to be with me she would have stayed ,called ,texted , i am the fool who has just realised the company has gone bankrupt but i am still working at my machine .