well you were right

I dont know if this is the right place to write this but here goes.

Some time ago i wrote about my wife leaving to find her own head space just before christmas.We paid to rent a flat as we agreed she needed space so we took it on a three month lease.I thought we were just being reasonable.It was for the best,is how we both thought.
After explaining everything some wikis quite reasonably warned me that she might have someone waiting in the background .Of course i was in complete denial ,although the thought had entered my mind ,and now and again raised its head in my thoughts .
We have been going out together even discussing her moving back in ,the lease is up very soon .
Well here we go , she has always said pop over anytime for a coffee ,it is out in the sticks ,so i did for the first time .I was in for a shock ,a bloke was standing outside he bolted in and shut the door .Even then i made excuses like he must be a friend , well you can guess, he wasn''t a friend , i wasn''t allowed in ,i turned around and walked away .She says it was a one off nothing happened .
Sorry to go on but please tell me i am not going mad , i am making excuses for her already i drove her to it as she says.
What do i do now ? salvage the wreckage or am i still being naive

Hi tony213,

Your story is like so many others here on Wiki and it is not until time passes and you are further down the line in this process, that the rose-tinted glasses will come off and you will look back on your situation having looked a bit clearer at the writing on the wall.

This is an typical case of your wife wanting her cake and eat it. Like so many of our own situations, they ''need space and time'' to work things out in their own heads, whilst playing away from home, but still hedging their bets as they are not quite sure what it is they really want...it is called keeping their options open, you as her fallback guy!

Like you, I caught my STBX with A.N. Other and it is hard coming face to face with someone''s lack of respect, sheer arrogance and downright lies.

What you have to do now is to try and have no contact with your wife. You need to set your own head straight and start believing that you deserve better, we all do.

This is no longer about her and what she wants, she has made her bed, so let her wait, this is about you, your own self-respect and what you now want out of life. The questions you have to ask yourself are:- Did you deserve to be lied to and cheated on? Is there any hope that you can find forgivness for her adultery? Are you likely to ever trust her again?

Some couples do work hard at their marriages and make a success of it, but she will have to say "I am sorry, I am sorry" a million times over and mean it! Remember actions speak louder than words, and if she is not prepared to do this, then she is not worthy of having you in her life.

You also need to take a long hard look at the cracks that have lead to this situation in the first place and restoring a marriage after one party has been bed hopping with someone else is not the only thing you have to overcome, it is about cementing those cracks that are already showing. It is hard work and will take 100% effort from both parties.

I was eventually told after catching my own husband in a similar situation and once we had split, that "she was not his first and would not be his last", which lead me to believe that he had been running all over town with various women throughout our marriage. As the saying goes, the husband/wife is always the last to know!

Please do not be fooled by her crocodile tears and think only of you. If you can both make a go of your marriage and restore it, including the dignity and respect you deserve, then go for it as divorce is not an avenue many of us here would wish upon anyone. But, if you are going to be looking over her shoulder and become paranoid about what she is up to all the time...then there really is little hope, as you will find yourself back here again where it all started.

Whatever you decide Tony, think about you and how you can move on from this....

Take care for now FoS x

We dont savour being right. This isnt a spelling competition. This is real. So dont worry about. If its any consolation, the people at work told me my ex was having an affair and like a fool, I didnt believe them either.

But what to do? You have to accept that she is with someone else now and she fooled you. Its hard realising that you were fooled. But join the club mate. Plenty here will tell you the same. We have all been fooled in the same way as you.

But as I said, it is what it is and you have to accept it. Just keep posting how you are feeling etc and we will guide you thru the rest of it. C.

(((Tony)))

Not the time for us to say"We told you so"

Flower has so eloquently put it all into words,we are always the last to Know!!!!!

I think a lot of this is due to self denial,hindsight is a wonderful thing,but if we are all honest with ourselves;;
The clues were there !!!!

So sorry you had to be faced with the situation,I am sure not very nice to witness.

Your priority now is to yourself,
Don''t do anything rash,gather your thoughts.
Adultry is very hard to cope with,but yes many do get over it with a lot of work,who knows??

By the way,Don''t make excuses for her....
This is her actions not yours.............

Take care
Luv and cwtchs
Afon xxx..........................

Spot on what afon says. And FOS also. I couldnt have put it better myself. And just want to + 1 on the no contact. Let her stew and dump her sorry ass. Wish someone had advised me that and I had listened. C.

Thank you once again ,i am writing this with tears running down my face,my mind is racing ,making excuses , if only .

See I had our separation in a nice clean box .No one else involved just us trying to sort it all out ,no anger ,or mis trust . Of course there were tears and pain but not this ,this is a different emotion altogether .I feel a bit of a mug if i am honest . and that hurts .

Good advice from all, as well as the wiki helpline , cant stop drinking tea on my tenth cup seems to be a comfort blanket .

You are NOT a mug.

Don''t turn this on yourself.

Big hugs.

I''m a big fan of Redbush tea and can chain-brew.

Stay true to yourself.

Take care

WR