well you were right

Bless you Tony,

You are not alone though as we are all here rooting for you and there is safety in numbers.

Have you thought about having some counselling on your own? Whichever way this goes, having your head straight will help you I am sure.

Hugs to you.

EA

Hi Tony,

I have been following your thread, and you have received honest, heartfelt good advice. What has been interesting is that I have learnt a whole lot of stuff on here too, from Marshy, and then backed up by many others - and I am two and a half years on The good thing for you is that you do seem to be hearing what is being said to you - I''m afraid that turning the clock back, I wouldn''t have, and so that makes me the mug, you are clearly not.

When we love, we trust. When our partners stop loving us, they discover that our trust makes us vulnerable to manipulation. Honest people call time on the marriage, but some check the other side of the fence and discover they can keep the stability of their marriage as a back up, and have the exciting new life too. From reading your story, I am guessing that is what your wife is doing. She will only learn how wrong her actions are when you remove that stability from her, and the new relationship loses the sparkle of excitement - which it will for we are all slaves to routine - she will have real regret, and you will be rising up and flying free.

Thankfully you have learnt the lesson to safeguard your finances, those who cheat do so in every which way. I am discovering continually just how long my ex had been drawing out money to spend on his secret lavish lifestyle, and remembering the (blatant) lies - that resonate now, yet at the time I accepted them because I was in denial.

A note about the saying one thing and then a few days later denying it, it is a clever ploy, I have a very good memory, and started to fear that I was losing it - yup the sanity jabs. It was only after the split that he did the same thing to me, forgetting that he had put it on text, and I had replied by text. No apology of course, but I will remember the expression on his sour anger filled face for ever - he had been caught. It took that for me to realise what had been happening previously.

Good luck Tony, you really are at the very worst time, but have made so many new friends here, and have the grace to accept and understand, so your head will get you through, and in time your heart will follow.

Best wishes

Hi Tony...

tony213 wrote:

You lot could have wrote the script for my stbx.How did you know what she said ?Even down to the sanity bit , i actually questioned what i had just said ,not 6 mths agoe but 5 mins agoe ,it seems to end up like i said something completely different and only later in reflection i realise i never said it ,or ever anything like it ?

They follow a pattern. You think what you hear is unique. But its not. Mostly the same. A lot of what we hear is "I love you but not in love with you". WTF is that supposed to mean? I hate that saying. But believe us when we say she wants rid of you on one hand but wants to keep you sweet on the other. Insurance policy in case it all goes wrong with the new man. Old Mr dependable will save her.

Again as you have all said ,all the years (9years) we spent together she has never told me it was all crap ,never was good ,and it all started wrong, thats why we are at this place . Why didn''t she tell me years ago ?

This is the bit where history gets re-written. Again, this is all part of the patern of behavour that we see a lot here. Happened to me also. Suddenly, I was the bad guy and she was unhappy for those 12 years. Dont worry. Its a lie.

I know this is a rant but you all seem to understand so much about all of this rubbish surrounding me .

Its cos its happened to us and we see it a lot.

Even when i made a surprise visit to her bolt hole (which she needed to get her head straight and come back a better person for me)and caught her with a bloke , not in a clinch but she wouldn''t let me in and shot around to our home as soon as to explain it was just a friend who stayed overnight ( i went around for a coffee in the morning) ,blah blah blah...

You need to stop doing this. It does you no good to meet with her. Just hurts you and keeps the feelings alive. Add to this you will be feeling needy and jilted and it will make you want her more. Keep away from her. Will be hard but this is where the no contact rule comes in.

She still convinced me that she loved me and everything was my fault e.g... she has been gone 4 months so i got my own bank account paid my wages into it last month moved some not a lot of our money into it to be able to pay bills on our home if she went on a spending spree ,now i am the monster who has destroyed our marriage .

Good for you. Having your own bank account is like sticking 2 fingers up. And you need these little victories. It will boost your self confidence which has taken a battering lately. Keep on marching forwards. Separate as much as you can from her. I opened my own bank acount. Luckily for me, I mananged to grab the letter as it came thru the door with the card in it. She found out a couple of days later and sent the fat **** out to see me in the garage. Was not a pleasent chat. And they couldnt do anything about it. So just march forwards as I said.

have i gone mad ? do i salvage this marriage? or is all the above recommendations the way forward ?

No you have not gone mad. You cant salvage your marriage. Not on your own anyway. If you get back together, it will need to be a joint decision. I know right now you would have her back if you had the chance. Despite all that she has done you would. You may bluster it to yourself and say you wouldnt, but the sight of her on the doorstep may sway you. So I want to ask you some questions...

Say you had her back. What happens then? Is it all forgotten? You forgive her and get back to sitting down and watching corrie together? You go to work and she goes shopping?

When someone has an affair, they cross a line. And you cant step back over that line. There is no rewind to life. Its done. And when I say done I mean over. Its over between you because you could never trust her again. You would be wondering who she was with and what she was up to. That will never go away. And what tends to happen is that the cheating party cheats again. Usually with the same person or someone new. Once they cross that line the 1st time, its easy to cross again. Many will tell you this. They have forgiven only to be stabbed in the back again. So my question is... Is this you? If you had the chance, would you have her back and perhaps suffer for years and years a yo - yo existence.

At the end of the day.. You owe this to your future to end it now. Pain now or lots more pain later. But its your choice.

i know you guys and girls are looking out for me and i know i havnt listened to you wikis but it is so hard when she turns up and suggests a walk or a meal to talk about my faults .

I was taken out to discuss my faults. Again, its a common tactic. Back to the place where we 1st went for a meal. Some 12 years or so before. And she sat there and ripped me to bits. There was me thinking this could be reconciliation only to be torn apart. There is a a reason for all this and its all to do with blame and where that blame lives.

Some people cant and wont take the blame for their actions. Surely, its my parents fault for bringing me up this way? Or, the way I was treated in my last relationship or, the person I married made me this way? This is dodging the truth. We are all individuals. And as individuals we have choices. We are to blame for our own actions. The man in the moon didnt. Dot Cotton didnt. Jessie J didnt. And I didnt cut her knicker elastic. She did that herself. No one else did. And she is squarely to blame for that. Even if you beat her round the head with Number 1 frying pan, you still wouldnt be to blame. Her blame. Her shoulders. Fair and square no matter what she said.

So my advice to you is not meet up with her. Dont talk to her. No text messages. No emails. No speaking on the phone and no meals to talk about how you are to blame. This will send you mad. Doubt yourself and destroy any self confidence.

End this. Its ended anyway. But start ending it from your side. I am not talking divorce. Thats a long way away. But separate properly. Take charge of the situation. No more contact. Start getting your head back on the right way round and start wising up to her. That will do for now.

Lastly. I dont expect you to list to any of us. Esp me. But what we say is the truth. The truth is always hard to swallow. I am expecting you to carry on as you are. Ignore us. But dont worry if you dont take our advice. Dont think for one moment that you cant come back and ask for advice and we turn our backs on you cos you didnt. Its OK. We have done the exact same things as you. We are used to it. So keep coming back. Make listening optional and coming back for round 2,3,4,5 mandatory. You will get thru this. We are testament to this. C.

Tony 213,

The trouble for you at the moment is this..... everyone told you she would have another bloke......you found out she had.
Everyone told you she would blame you for that.........you found out she has.
Everyone told you she would rewrite history ........you found out she has.

You biggest trouble is knowing all that you know and all the free knowledge you''ve had from several individuals who don''t know each other from Adam.
Different areas of the country.
Different jobs.
Different lives never met completely anonymous sample group that all experienced the same behaviour to the letter..... ....and everyone does it too..... it''s a very small 3 letter word.

BUT.


It''s the one experience that people still have to go through for themselves.
It''s like your sunbathing on the M1 motorway I walk up to you in a full body caste and go Hello mate what r u up to?
I''m Tony 213 and I''m having a sunbathe on the M1.
Oh hello Tony 213 I''m His Royal Hawayness I wouldn''t sunbathe on the M1 if I were you.
I done that last month and got run over by a lorry that''s why I''m in this full body caste.
Oh right I can see what you mean and how that would happen ........BUT (it might not)

All the best
HRH x

Pete is very right (he is royal and he is always right and he never fails to make me smile). But I was told the same (ok not in exact words) and not exactly the same with such a full description and I still sun bathed on the M1. Thing is mate, this is your break up and you have to do it your way and make your mistakes.

The real real problem you will have apart from yourself is if she decides to come back. Then you will be in trouble. Lets hope that dont happen and if it does, you will be further along and you will be strong enough to say "NO now f**k off" if she does turn up wet and bedraggled. C.

You lot make me smile ,give me a bit of reality ,tell me the truth.I sit here reading what you say and know it is my truth.I just wish i could put it into practice most of the time .My head is willing but my heart is weak .She knows this and dangles carrots ,a nice text with a kiss ,then silence ,we can make it together ,then i don''t know what i want .You have heard it all before i know and the sunbathing on the m1 parable is so right , here i am faced with people who are looking out for me with no agenda but to tell me how it is and share your experiences so i don''t have to face it alone and maybe avoid some of the pitfalls that are out their and i keep thinking maybe my case is different ,what if ,but their is a light at the end of the tunnel , what can i say just thanks for being their every time i read your responses i am encouraged to make just one right decision like don''t check my mobile or go out for a run ,small steps i know but only poss because of you wise people .

tony213 wrote:

She knows this and dangles carrots ,a nice text with a kiss

Reminder for you.

Ignore her lame words and kisses on a text message.

DO NOT Respond to her.

Its all about her actions mate, she will tell you what she wants through her actions, not a silly text message.