Hello I feel so stupid....

Hi, just need to talk to someone.
My wife and I have 3 children 6yo, 3yo and 1 yo. We have always had our twoing and froing as all marriaed couples do.
We have not been on speaking terms since the sat before bank holiday with today being wednesday.

Any way I came home from seing a client this evening and things were terse shall we say.

I asked the straight question "Do you hate me?", we she said she has no feelings for me, two hours later and she is mentioning seperation etc, and telling me i know it to be the way forward.

In my heart I know i have been a good for nothing lazy SOB around the home but have worked hard trying to keep my business afloat to provide for my family.

I am not looking for sympathy, jusy someone to give me a direction forward, she said she would never go back to councilling as we tried that once before 3 years ago through the church (We are catholic). I am willing to work for this but fear it may be too late.

The trouble is deep down I love her so much it hurts but have never been able to show my feelings, and she has always said I dont love her because i never show it.

My spelling is really bad I know sorry!

P

Hallo and welcome to Wikivorce

If you don't tell or show your wife that you love her she will think you don't. I hope it isn't too late for you.

Does your wife tell or show you that she loves you...it is a two way street.

Elle x

I don’t know!
How do I find out without sounding like a little lost puppy?
We did agree last night that no matter what there are children involved and they has to be the main thing we think of during discussions.

She did say that she didn’t want to go back to counselling we went about 5 years ago.

I just called her to tell her about my car which is in the garage having some work done on it, I am borrowing hers at the moment. She said I sounded chipper, I said it was only because I was on clients site and just giving her some info so she would know etc.

Was that sending the wrong signals? I want to stay amicable with her, and if counselling would help build on that I would be willing to go. She has a friend round at the moment and she sounded quite tearful.

She is talking about getting a job etc, one of the things she said last night was that I had been very judgemental towards her friend who had had a brief affair, and she felt that if she had done that I would have judge her the same. I have got everything wrong and told her that I would forgive her of anything, but it came out all wrong.

Any other Catholics had to deal with this?

Hi,

You have been quite coherent expressing yourself here online, I know sometimes you can pour out how you feel better on paper, have you tried writing it all down in a letter to her?
Showing love can be most potent with simple demonstrations of thoughfulness, make sure in any way you can she knows she is wanted.
You seem readily able to admit your failings, but she has to respect your desire to provide for your family, even if you have lost balance and prioritised work a little, perhaps used it as an escape subliminally.
You can only offer to meet her half way and hope she can reciprocate, keep communication channels going in any way possible. If she still has love for you and it is meant to be, you can turn it around with patience and TLC, but keep the respect going for yourself too, your not a bad chap.

Bisk

There has been a planned trip on Saturday to go to the coast with the children and meet up with her parents (They are caravanning there for a week), on Tuesday night when I was asking if she was ok with me borrowing her car she said “Don’t for get I am going to Coast on Saturday”. This to me indicates that she was not including me in that trip.

Should I tackle this and indicate that I would like to join them as it is a family outing?

I know her fear is that I will start snapping at the children, which is something I do do sometimes and I am very ashamed of it.

As god is my witness that would not happen on Saturday, do I ask? Or do I sit at home while they enjoy them selves?

I just want a hug and what her to say “Hey I know you spend three hours commuting a day, and 8 hours in the office, but we appreciate that you make sure bills are paid and food on table”.

Oh listen to me now Pity pity me, I sound like a 14 year old not a grown man of 34!

When I get my car back would it be a good idea to go away for a few days to give her some space? Or would that do more harm then good?

I am just babbling and thank you to those who are listening, it is easier to put on her what is going on in my head and what I feel but don’t know if writing it all down in a letter is the way forward. What would I do write it and give it to her then go for a walk? Or give it to her and make her read it in front of me?

I bought some roses on the way home last night, yellow her favourite colour to say thank you for the use of your car. In hidsight I just feel it was sending out the wrong signals.

Once again thank you.

Pleomax

Sending flowers is a lovely way to say thank you and show your appreciation. If you meant that, why would it be sending out the wrong signals?

But it sounds as though you are not getting the affection or appreciation from her that you want. I don't think there is much you can do about that, it has to come from her. Either she cares or she doesn't.

As to the letter, I would say it would be best to let her read it away from you so she can digest it and think about it. If you are there she might feel she has to give an instant reaction.

As for the trip, if she doesn't want you there, maybe she is hoping for some space for both of you.

You cannot make her go to counselling. But you can go to counselling yourself to sort out your feelings.