Hello I feel so stupid....

Pleomax,

Ive just read your posts from start to finish, and my honest gut feeling is that she is seeing someone else.... be completely honest with yourself do you think this is the case?...

All marriages have there ups and downs but why would she immediately ask you to say your gay to end it all.. it sounds like guilt on her part if you ask me...

I dont know the full circumstances and dont want to cause any harm, i am grateful that you have opened up and posted on here as your situation is all too common IMO.

I would confront your wife and ask out right say that you are sorry but you found texts, its not a case of you snooping around, if everything was ok in the relationship you wouldnt have even bothered looking at her phone would you?

saying that you would always forgive her if she had an affair is virtually giving her the green light to go do it....
I would definately want an explaination if i was in your boots.

at least you seem to have a good relationship around the children, it seems you communicate a little better when they are around. you also have family who are willing to help.

keep talking and communicating and dont be afraid of asking out right, youre her husband.

best of luck

The whole time I have been reading this post, my brain has been screaming "talk to her!!!". You have said that you love her with all your heart and although there are obviously serious problems, including the awful possibility that she is seeing someone else, things can only get worse if you are trying to second guess each other.

You will only find out if there is a chance for your marriage if you sit down together and talk absolutely honestly about your feelings for one another and where you want the relationship to go. Tell her how much you love her, tell her you're sorry for snapping at the kids, not doing enough round the house, not openly showing affection. But also tell her how you feel about things she does. It is two-way but someone has to make the first move. And if she has been seeing someone else, you have to decide if you can get past that - and if you can, it will have to be a completely fresh start. That would be very hard, but if you really want your marriage to work then surely worth it.

The more I read about people's circumstances on this site, the more strongly I feel that people shouldn't give up on a marriage until there is truly nothing left. You still have a chance - please tell your wife how you feel!!!

I hope for all your sakes that you can sort out your problems with your wife. Please keep us posted. x

I have been talking to a good friend at the clients site and it has been suggested that I get an intermediary there so there is someone else to calm her down when I mention the texts on the phone, as in truth I would be scared for my safety. Her parents and/or our priest?

Should I be looking to move back in, my eldest has asked wife if we are separated and she has said yes. This has hurt like hell, she is only 6 years old, ok but I always work on it isn’t over till its is over.

Any comments on if that would be a good idea? Do things seem to be happening so fast? Why the great urgency for her to mention a divorce?

Someone mentioned to me today (I have been trying to break this issue i have with discussing problems with people), it is almost like if she keeps me away from our family home and ristricts access to our children she is hiding the issue from me, and obviously thinks if that if what she is doing is what i think and has been suggested on here that I will not find out? Dose she think our children would not talk?

I am really going to miss the fact that i wont be going home tonight, and the two eldest wont come running up to me shouting daddy daddy! And the youngest catching up as she is still crawling and smiling and pulling herself up my trouser leg.

I still am speechless that she is suggesting that i am gay and that she can turn her back on here religion, she is a cradle catholic I converted from non practising CofE in 2008.

I have always had strong beliefs but have been repressing them. I know my spiritual beliefs are outside of this board, but they are a big part in my life.

Please do nto abandon me now, you all have been such help.

Pleomax

I personally would want to move back in as quickly as possible. Once things start moving down a path and you are no longer there, it becomes harder to get things back on track. BUT do make sure that your wife doesn't feel threatened by that, by which I mean that you should be non-confrontational and explain that you just want to be in a position to discuss things with her before any final decisions are made - or appear to your children to be made. The more normal things are kept at the moment, the better.

She seems to be making some pretty major assumptions about you, which you disagree with, so perhaps you should agree to go to joint counselling to discuss why she thinks these things, and to show that you are willing to do whatever it takes to get to the bottom of the problems.

I'm out of my depth on religious issues, but could she have felt pressurised to convert? Or done so to please you? Your beliefs are very strong and if deep down she doesn't share these, that is always going to cause problems unless you can accept and respect each others' points of view. But obviously just guessing on that one, so just a thought I'm throwing out there for you to consider.

Pleo

I saw this post originally and commented on it before your weekend away and before you found the phone and read the text messages.

Firstly, don't beat yourself up over reading the text messages, it is something most of us have done when our partner is having an affair.

It is hard for me to comment on your beliefs as I am atheist, but I do respect people who hold strong beliefs and think you must follow your beliefs.

Ignore the comment she has been made about being gay. A partner that has an affair will make up all sorts of things to justify their actions, they can even believe their own fiction. You know the score, and it sounds like she does not want to go through a divorce because of her beliefs so getting you to say you are gay is an easy way out for her.

The key thing now is for the 2 of you to talk and talk honestly and try to be constructive. It sounds like she is going to want you to change to some extent, that is fine, people can change their behaviour. If you agree to behave in a different way remember that it won't happen overnight, agree that by a future date you will have done x, set regular times to sit down and see how the change is going, be honest with each other.

Ask yourself is there anything you would like her to do, does she nag you too much, do you resent her for not doing enough housework? anything like that that might be making you treat her in a way she doesn't like.

Good luck, and keep posting

S

I think you might have misread that, she has been catholic since her birth. I converted last year, I have always had strong beliefs but it was only when i met here and started discussing marriage and children did i find a channel for my beliefs.

I am who i am and thank you for your words. I knwo my beliefs may not be in line with other peoples, but that dose not mean that your words are not helpful or recieved with gladness.

Dose she have a right to refuse me entry to our home? If saturday evening was a breakdown on my part and a one off why would she refuse? Would it be a good idea to get soem friends to check on "us" periodically to make sure i was not having another breakdown?

She did send me an email earlier which reads"...she does not want me hanging around the house on saturday as it may hurt me!?!?!?.....i swear i am not being nasty of my words are not meant to be nasty. It is just difficult to know what to say/do"